In a crazily damaged way, I had the most vivid and inexplicable wave of calmness wash over me as I filled with despair while watching a close friend’s recent wedding video…

I’m not saying it is a healthy coping mechanism, nor am I saying I’m anything other than broken… I’m simply saying I inhaled a deep breath of survival.
As I sat there with friends, watching the two in love recite their vows and longing looks, I thought about my own situation of unrequited love and felt the usual pieces of me crumble from the walls of my soul into the long drop of darkness…

I’ve thought often, that the pain was so real to me, because I had no frame of reference…for being as heartbroken as I am now…

Then… it finally occurred to me, I’ve had people throw me away before, I survived…

My own father threw me away like a piece of trash, he hide behind whatever excuses he could, and even to this day, I’ve no clue why he’s done the things he’s done, furthermore, if you were to ask him, he couldn’t tell you anymore today, than he could have the 20 plus years ago he decided I was disposable…

Don’t be surprised when another human being throws you away… Be surprised… and be hopeful that we can still be surprised by human nature… if we can keep this callousness away from our soul… maybe there is a chance…to somehow outsmart this portion of the human condition…

Can I ever believe in love... just like it was ?

*************************************************************************************


I was young and Bon Vivant
Twenty girls ago
When love was born on city nights
Under falling snow
How I played the same charade
Drunk on first hellos
A vagabond dream, hey that was me
Twenty girls ago
I was quick to turn the page
Thirteen girls ago
When love could live on lucky breaks
And favorite episodes
But tempers flared and teeth were bared
Whenever things got slow
Stuck in a rut, pushing my luck
Thirteen girls ago
Others may have measured time
In accolades and dollar signs
I had but one concern
Another year, another love
And the question
Was it me or was it her
Time was running out the door
We signed the lease and bought the rings
Honeymooned in Rome
As pigeons flew one afternoon
I found myself alone
Pining for youth, avoiding the truth
Seven girls ago
Well I was lost, hit the wall
Desperate nights of alcohol
Wondering what I should do
Another year, another love
Never answered
Then at last there was you
Time was turning back again
Just one girl ago
The soft impression of your eyes
My favorite first hello
Now these are days of serenades
Whispered sweet and slow
Believing in love just like it was
Twenty girls ago
Believing in love just like it wasTwenty girls ago

David Mead - Twenty Girls Ago

(I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)

I miss everything there is to miss… I miss physically being close to someone I deeply love and care for… I miss passion, kissing, holding onto one another and making love all over the house…I miss your sweet face, I long for your sweeter smile… I miss hearing what you think about everything… I miss watching bad TV with you… I miss a bed made warmer by two people lying closely with one another, I miss looking out the window, and feeling like a kid waiting for Christmas morning to come…with the thought that your arrival was coming soon… I miss the conversations about the day, being there for the good and bad, nothing quite matches the feeling of being over joyed with some random bit of unexpectedness and truly wanting to share that with someone you care for, in hopes that they will share in your joy with you…and on the other end of that spectrum, having someone to fall into and collapse, when inevitably the clouds of the day enshroud you and all you want to do is quit…I miss you being the voice inside my head…that made me want to be a better human being, for all of the world.
I miss walking into the grocery with you, and even if just for a second, the other shoppers thinking that you were mine…I miss hearing you laugh out loud, nothing has ever brought me more joy than the sound of your laughter, your smile added years to my life, as it was the most powerful medicine for my soul I’ve ever known…I miss getting to find out what color your eyes were going to be when next we’d meet… I miss your plastic cup of wine and I miss every square inch of your beautiful body… I miss so very much breathing you in deeply and kissing your neck… I miss my friend like I miss my own heart,

I miss you, for who, and all that you are, and I always will…

I miss being near you in any and all ways possible… I’ll never learn to not miss you…

A distant second, to all my missing, I miss who I was when we were in one another’s lives… my sweet mother has phrased it best to all those I’ve confided in… she told me she had never seen that gentleness in me, and that seeing you, bring that out in me, made her happier for me than she’d ever been… It is with that same gentleness, that I will always love you…

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________




You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me
I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough
You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me
I’ll give you something you can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye
I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough
You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me
You run away
(I tried to be your brother)
You could turn and stay
(You cried and ran for cover)
But you run away from me
(I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)
But that’s not something to cry about
It’s not something to lie about
You run away
(I tried to be your brother)
You could turn and stay
(You cried and ran for cover)
But you run away from me
(I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)

Barenaked Ladies - You Run Away Lyrics

I celebrated my 34th birthday this past Saturday…

I use “celebrated” as a very loose term… more aptly put, I acknowledged exactly my position in the world with relation to accomplishment and life expectancy...

A few people who care about me gathered at a familiar spot where familiar people can laugh and enjoy too much wine…

To steal a line from Forest Gump… “Somewhere in the middle of all that fun”… a wave of melancholy washed over me and I had this thought…

Hurt attracts Hurt… and maybe that’s just how it has to be… Someone, sometime, somewhere, somehow, for whatever reason has their whole world taken away from them and they find themselves hurting like they never knew possible…

That hurt will inevitably attract more possible paths for hurt to flourish… Personal relationships will suffer, if someone becomes withdrawn. Your outlook and general demeanor towards life suffers to, as you find yourself more and more locked up within the chambers of your own mind…

That kind voice that used to be your inner monologue, now only reminds you that things aren’t getting any better as you continue to drift and drift further from the shore of well-being that was once your home…

There is no tourniquet for the hemorrhage of your broken, bleeding heart…

You miss your love, you miss the comfort of a life you looked forward to, you missed a better “you”… but most of all you miss the last piece of you that still felt alive… as you now live in a world that is best described as overall being… “hollow”

Someone in the cyclical nature of hurt…someone must decide to stop it…


Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters Till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Dont you remember anything I said when i said
Dont fall awayAnd leave me to myself
Dont fall away
And leave love bleeding In my hands
In my hands again
And leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now
I feel contagious
Am I the only place That you' ve left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries
Dont fall away
And leave me to myself
Dont fall away
And leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands
Love lies bleeding
And I wanted
You turned away
You dont remember
But I do
You never even tried
Dont fall away
And leave me to myself
Dont fall awayAnd leave love bleeding
In my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands again

Fuel - Hemorrage (In My Hands) lyrics

Whoever he is, I hope he makes you laugh… Whoever he is I hope you make him think… Whoever he is, I hope he lets you use his razor…Whoever he is, I hope the sight of him makes you smile… Whoever he is I hope he doesn’t care if the laundry is folded, much less how you choose to fold it, and he’d better fold his fair share himself… Whoever he is, I hope he takes you to dinner while you’re both in lawn mowing clothes… Whoever he is, he’d better be way more than just good to you…Whoever he is; he’d better love you for way more than just remembering people’s birthdays… Whoever he is, he better know he’s holding my favorite person of all time…

Whoever he is, he’d better at an absolute minimum, give you the daily opportunity to be deliriously happy…

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
who else listens and appreciates both Jimmy Wayne and Pink... just me maybe???


Do you remember
The day I turned to you and said I didn't like the way he was looking at you
How he made you laugh
You just couldn't get what I was saying
It was my imagination
So do you believe me now
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
And I knew what I was talking about
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now
I'm kicking myself
For being the one foolish enough giving him the chance to step in my shoes
He was biding his time
When he saw our love was having a moment of weakness
He was there between us
So do you believe me now
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
And I knew what I was talking about
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now
Oh yeah I bet now you see the light
Oh yeah what's the use in being right
When I'm the lonely one tonight
So do you believe me now
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
And I knew what I was talking about
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now
So do you believe me now
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now

Jimmy Wayne – Do You Believe Me Now?

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I don’t mind it
I don’t mind at all
It’s like you’re the swing set
And I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight
The times I’ve cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion’s there
So it’s got to be right Right?
No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to Not love me at all
I don’t mind it I still don’t mind at all
It’s like one of those bad dreams
When you can’t wake up
It’s like you’ve given up
You’ve had enough
But I want more No I won't stop
Because I just know
You’ll come around Right?
No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to Not love me at all
Just don’t stand there and watch me fall
Because I, because I still don’t mind at all
It’s like the way we fight
The times I’ve cried
We come to blows And every night
The passions there So it’s got to be right, Right?
No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all
I don’t believe you

Pink- I Don't Believe You Lyrics

Someone can most certainly shut you out of their life, they can throw you back out into the world on your own, and they can remove themselves completely and totally from your proximity… With them no longer around to look out for you, not around to talk to, to share with, to feel anything with…

I ask myself what am I left with? What is it exactly… that I should have learned from this experience? Where precisely is the meaning which I will draw strength and wisdom from? And why pray tell is the answer taking so long to come to fruition?

Most of all I ask myself this… why can’t I get past myself, and just accept that whatever has happened, has happened for reasons that are outside of my control…

Did I really try as much as I could?

Also, still desperately clinging to the notion to absorb totally the brunt of the relationship’s problems… and in some dark wound lay the question of what is it, whether inside or outside of me, that she wishes was different ?

Somewhere in the madness of still deeply wanting what you can no longer have, I find comfort in a meditative thought of knowing that no one can ever take away from me the joy I have singing in my heart and soul, the same joy that clings to the memories I choose to hold onto…

No one can ever take that away from me…


*******************************************************************
I can taste your kiss on my lips
And I’m wrapped around your finger tips
As I watch the moonlight dancing on your skin
Your green eyes and the sweet red wine
Go to my head girl every time
And I get drunk on you
I lose control and then
And here I go again
I’m falling for you even though I know your only playing with my heart
Tomorrow might be hell
But a night or two of loving you is better than never at all
And I can’t help myself
So I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
Until your gone
Girl I know you’re a gypsy soul
And I’m just a stop along your road
And you hang around long enough to blow my mind
If I had a star for every scar
You tattooed on my heart
I could fill up the Oklahoma sky
So girl I don’t know why
I’m falling for you even though I know your only playing with my heart
Tomorrow might be hell
But a night or two of loving you is better than never at all
And I can’t help myself
So I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
Until your gone
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
I look down at my cell phone ringin'
I see your name and I know what that means
But I don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
Every time you leave I take it hard
Seeing you go just breaks my heart
But don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
Your green eyes and that sweet red wine
Go to my head girl every time
But I don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone

I'll Just Hold On by Blake Shelton

I have to trick myself; I have to make something up other than the truth in my head, because my heart has sternly acknowledged that it’s not going to deal with the situation…

If I don’t know who I am, maybe I can convince myself I’m not actually coming from… where I’m coming from…If I can lie to myself long enough, maybe I’ll forget about the truth.

In some highly detailed, never ending opus I play on “repeat” in my heart, I apply some transcendental meditation and I rise above the translation of what I know is the inevitable conclusion I’ll never face…

During a conversation with a close friend, I gave a recount of my recent experiences with losing and loss, and somewhere in my telling, my friend tried to convince me of this… That people on this earth will always let you down, and always disappoint you… That the only way to not be disappointed, hurt, betrayed and let down is to love God above all other things…

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this argument… and I’ll not debate anyone who wants to believe this with their whole heart… I do ask this, can I not love a gift from God with all of my heart’s might, on this earth, in both an earthly way and in a way that is beyond this world? all the while, giving thanks totally to God, who brought such favor and blessing in my life… in short, isn’t loving a person, on this earth more than you love yourself, because you know they are a gift from God…essentially the same argument my dear friend was trying to make?

I hope my friend is wrong…

Wherever you wander, I will always love you...

I guess you could argue that the lyrics below could be directed towards someone on this earth, or perhaps… to someone you can’t quite reach …




You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
You struck me dumb, Like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,Who suspect they could never love anyone.
Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone.

“Save Me”
By Aimee Mann

I figure most times your life passes you by while you’re making grand plans for it... inevitably; my planning is usually met with what I swear I can actually hear sometimes as God’s audible belly laughter...

So much for announcing your plans.


On a black and white TV back in grammar school
I was watching Neal Armstrong walking on the moon
That same day I pretended I was an astronaut
On the playground monkey bars I flew above the stars

I was in a Dallas disco the night John Lennon died
The DJ played Imagine and everybody cried
I remember a thousand lighters held up in our hands
All we were saying was let’s give peace a chance

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me

Every 20,000 years that comet lights up the night
On a blanket we watched it sail across the sky
A moment like that comes just once in life
It felt like our first time at 11:35

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me

I remember when I met you
The taste of our first kiss
I remember your goodbye
Could you tell me this?

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me ?

“Where Was I”
By Paul Thorn.