(This topic isn’t one I’m crazy about, the “blurb” below is only a tiny fraction of how much I’ve wrote about Ginger and 3-18-1995, maybe more will come, lots of deleting involved with this post, I know that this event has been the strongest defining moment of my life, this day gave me the opportunity to truly cherish love, family, friends and time)


On March 18th 1995 I was involved in an accident. I was traveling home with my teammates; Murray State had just been defeated in the opening round of the NCAA tournament by the North Carolina Tarheels. Murray had led the game by 2 at the half; they went on to lose by 10. The Tarheels made it to the final 4 that year. Murray State played them close, but not close enough…

If MSU had pulled off a victory that day, most likely, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Traveling in a Murray State University van, I and the rest of the Murray State Cheerleaders were headed towards home. Without any warning the tire tread from the driver side rear dislodged. The driver was unable to control the vehicle. The van went into the median after a few sharp swerves. We flipped end over end several times before finally coming to rest on the far shoulder of the far side of the interstate. We came to rest on all four tires. Many of my closest friends were severely injured.

The crash did yield one fatal injury. Ginger Adams wasn’t pronounced dead at the scene, she held on for a few days before finally passing away in the ICU at Vanderbilt Hospital. She never regained consciousness… I still remember the pattern on the dress she was wearing… If I had known the last time I talked to her was going to be the last time…Undoubtedly, I would have thought of something worth saying.

Perhaps, that I knew the world was a far better place with her in it. That she had the ability to light up others, that she seemed to create smiles, laughter and joy. That coming to know her was one of the best experiences of my life, that I was so happy to have come to Murray State University.

Ginger had taken it upon herself to “recruit” me to come to MSU… Ginger was the first college girl I’d ever met. She was bright and energizing. She had a great sense of humor and was one of the most charming people I’ve ever known. I was partnered with Ginger in what was my freshman year with MSU… She was the first to show me around the campus, helped me with registration, she “mother henned” me quite a bit... I became very close to Ginger in a short amount of time. She would have been able to talk the teeth and claws off of a lion; she was warm and disarming… You couldn’t help but let your guard down around her. She’d keep asking questions till you truly felt like talking and opening up.

I don’t want anyone who reads this to ever get the wrong idea…I never kissed Ginger, never held her hand, never asked her on a date; I didn’t have traditional romantic feelings for her. She was kind in a way that can’t be described. Gregarious and open while still somehow seeming to be mysteriously quiet and reserved… She lit up a room, heads would turn, conversations would stop, and people couldn’t get enough of her.

Ginger wanted to be a mother, a wife a teacher; she loved her family with all of her heart… She died, March 24th 1995, four days after my birthday…, I, and several others were left to figure out why we lived…

I know I’m much more than lucky, not just because I didn’t die on the highway that day. I’m much more than lucky because of the perspective I’ve gained through the tragedy of Losing Ginger.

I feel I’ve been given a chance. A chance to live a life worth living. A life with honor, a life that celebrates both love, commitment and time.

I’m constantly afraid I’m not earning the chance I’ve been given. As if, I’m wasting my life, I feel so far behind schedule. I try not to feel this way, sometimes I can’t help it... Losing Ginger taught me not to wait, not to hold back, to be open and honest with your loved ones. Time will run out. You will wish you had one more day, at least I know I will.

I’m so sad I didn’t have more time with Ginger and her family. Although I did not know her very long, I miss her friendship everyday. In the end, one of my greatest fears is that the ambitions I have for my life will far exceed my talents, and in some way I will have not done the gift of my life justice.

Some days I force a smile. Some days a smile finds me and forces me to acknowledge that there is something out there pushing me towards the things I truly need and want in my life.

With all the loss, I know I gained the perspective and passion I have now to love and truly value both life and time…Don’t wait to tell your loved ones how you feel…
Ginger Adams was my friend. I lost her that day… I think of her daily. I wish I were brave enough to be part of her family’s life….


I’ve only told one person, one time, that they remind me of her… The moment may have been wrong; nevertheless I’ve never spoken truer words… She to, is warm and disarming, bright and beautiful… I feel more alive with her in my life… I’m thankful for every second I have with her.

Tune of the day:
“Light In Your Eyes”
Blessid Union of Souls

Tell Me There’s A Chance


I know you don’t know, what’s coming up ahead
Just like it hurts to leave the house with you still in our bed
Maybe I know enough for me and you
I see way past tomorrow
We’ll beat all the blue

Just…

(Chorus)
Tell me there's a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay

Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real

I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
Please Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay

Just tell me there’s a chance.


Wish I could slow down every second.
Cause I miss you so much
I’m holding on to every kiss, every moment, every touch

If you could look inside my heart,
I know you’d be happy with what you found
The storybook’s about to start
Know that I’ll never let you down


Just

(Chorus)
Tell me there's a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay

Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real

I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
Please Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay

Just tell me there’s a chance.

I don’t want to run you off
Baby, I want you to stay
You’ve been the surprise of my lifetime
You’re the best part of every day

I’ll say this to you now; you’ve brought love back inside of me,
I may not know how we’ll figure it all out
Together- is my only guarantee

Just…

(Chorus)
Tell me there’s a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay

Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real

I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
I Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay

Just tell me there’s a chance.

“The world was on fire and no one could save me but you, its strange what desire will make foolish people do”… from Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game”…

I love this song, I’m not sure that the “world is always on fire”, and I think that the most valuable resource of who can save us is ourselves… I do however, agree unequivocally with what Chris Isaak wrote when he said “it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do”… Not a lot of people will try to tie in Chris Isaak and Fyodor Dostoevsky, but here goes… This is what ole Fyodor has to say about foolish people:

“I could not become anything: neither bad nor good, neither a scoundrel nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. And now I am eking out my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything; that only a fool can become something.”

Sounds like Fyodor would support my claim to follow your heart, if we tie both Chris and Fyodor in here; together I think we can make a collaborative push… To truly seek out what we desire and allow ourselves to do foolish things in an effort to be happy… Otherwise, we’re just eking our days out in our corners…

I know I’ve spent plenty of time in my “corner” and I know I’m trying everyday to allow my truest desires to allow me to be totally honest with myself and my loved ones, as I know this is what drives my happiness.

I know I love being crazy about someone. I love remembering every morning, before my feet ever hit the floor, how spectacular it is to truly want and adore someone. You can feel them under your hands long after they’ve gone, taste them on your lips, you talk to them when their not there. They become the voice inside your head, the opinion you can’t live without. This realignment of your perceptions can change your life... You can hardly stand to sit across the table from them at dinner; it just feels too far away… You check your phone 100 times a day, a simple text or email turns into an hours worth of smiling… Sometimes you have to make yourself go to sleep just to stop day dreaming about them, in your dreams you still find them…. and your so pleased that you do… It’s my contention that staying in love like this will be the single most important part of your life on this earth.

I’ve found that most times when anyone will speak passionately about love and how much they adore someone, inevitably there are always nay sayers, who claim that they’ve never been in love, never found anyone worth loving and moreover don’t believe in love at all… I always try to pull the conversation away from love and focus on where they do draw their happiness from, or what they desire… “What people like” is just as important as “What they are like”… Usually after someone shifts their focus from what they feel or don’t feel about love and focus on something that brings them joy, usually there are places people mention that will take you to people who have similar interests and similar likes… Usually these people will admit to having some sort of feeling or connection to these people. However, when we really pin down those who claim they don’t believe in love, I’ve found what they really don’t believe in is following their desires to the point of foolishness...
I’m certainly not saying that love can only happen with “like” creatures, I know that love abounds everywhere, opposites may very well attract, just like Paula told us… I know that there is happiness in the world for everyone. Everybody needs someone. We may very well meet and experience many people who will teach us many lessons. The relationship that holds your heart true is only supposed to work once…One of my deepest fears is that there are people in this world that don’t take their own happiness seriously...

Knowing that you’re a better person because someone has come into your life will energize you… Maybe we are that great person every single day all on our own… I’m not debating that issue here... We’re all beautiful unique snowflakes and that is all good and well. I’m simply saying one of the sweetest moments of my life is the recognition of the feeling that I know I don’t want to live without. Once you’ve truly felt it, you can’t remember how you ever got along without it. I don’t doubt there are those who may read this and have absolutely no clue what I’m talking about... To these people I say this… Try harder. I sat around a long time in my life feeling sorry for myself, waiting for something to happen. I try to be the reason that good things happen to me. Your love and your happiness will not happen by accident.

I know at any given time we are all scared about needing someone… We fear that the second someone knows that we need them, they will one day very soon, use that need against us…Although I may not be thrilled all the time about needing someone, I know in my heart of hearts, I need to need them… I know me; I know that when I’m the most vulnerable, I’m feeling the most alive…


My general philosophy about relationships borrows heavily from ideas of Andy Stanley, senior minister of North Point Community Church. I do believe in a creator, that this world didn’t happen by accident. That my life is a gift, just like everyone else’s. I want to prove my worth to my creator through the relationship with my partner. That everyday I commit and give myself to my mate. Through love and commitment to my family I will prove my worth to my God, prove my worth for the gift of my life… (I’ll most likely write more on this topic later)

Everyday should be spent loving yourself, loving your mate, loving your family and constantly recognizing the gift of one another and of the time you have together. If we can come together in this way… all else in the world will become much simpler.

Tune of the day
“Arms of a Woman” by Amos Lee

“We're all reading From the same book, Were just on different pages,
So go tell Lois Lane There's no Superman, Don't think Mickey Mouse
Is waiting down at Disneyland, It's not a church If it's just got a steeple, Just look inside It's all about people”
From Paul Thorn’s “All About People”

I’ve been thinking a great deal about the people who have influenced me the most in my life… Maybe even more so, I’ve been wondering what kind of meaning I’ve left with others over the years, and in turn the meanings they’ve helped me come to. Moreover, I believe I’m ashamed at a great many things I’ve done and how badly I’ve treated both friends and strangers. I’d also agree that there are both strangers and friends who are ashamed of what they’ve done to me… Keep in mind, “ashamed” is a very subjective term…

Whether good or bad, with love or with pain you don’t have to spend a great deal of time with someone for them to leave an impression on you. Maybe they open your eyes, jade you, change your taste in music, switch you from coffee to tea or alter your perceptions in what could be 1000s of ways… People come in and out of your lives constantly, casual friends, co workers, your buddies at the gym, the couple next door, etc…

What is the main determinant for these people to have the chance to interfere with your serenity??? Of course, I say that jokingly, we most always assume that these people are going to trespass on our well-being and somehow stomp on our happiness… However, I’m trying to keep myself comfortable with the concept that, a stranger can become much more than a stranger in a very short amount of time….for better or for worse, that kindness can come from anywhere, just as pain can come from anywhere.

If you come upon two strangers in an ally, one tries to mug you, the other leaps into your defense, one is a hero, one could possibly be a figure of fear in your life forever… However, the strangers in the ally both turned into “more than strangers” nearly immediately. I realize this example is fantastically sensationalized; however my point with the analogy is this. The impact on our well being from strangers or from long time trusted sources can be just as fast, just as strong and be either positive or negative and be just as meaningful. The lessons can be learned from either source.

Someone can become much more than a stranger quickly, and someone you’ve known for your entire life can disappoint you in a way that is beyond belief. I think its is our natural distrust of “strangers”, that holds us back from doing more for our families, extended families, friends, co-workers and communities. After all, aren’t they all practically strangers?

Those who really damage us, or love us, or both, carry an impact greater than the impact of a stranger or casual acquaintance... We’ll never get that person out of our soul, for better or worse. Having this person in your heart and soul doesn’t have to be a constant burden… Maybe they’ve hurt and betrayed us beyond comprehension; the pain came out of nowhere. You didn’t see it coming… I’ve been there… You will forever walk around with that person as a defining part of who you are... That person has altered the make up of your heart, your trust, your love, your reasoning, your logic…Do we walk around with that person on our mind? Of course. In our heart? Of course... Its way too simple for me to say, “Just remember every person you meet is going to be a lesson learned, you just don’t know which lesson”… That’s way too simple and kind of makes me gag… I think to put it more in terms and analogy of my real thoughts would be this…

Pain that will forever alter your life can come from any direction at any time from anyone, it will blind side you on some random, idle Tuesday…

What we have to remember, hold dear to our heart and embrace with our soul completely is that love can blind side us to. A stranger can become much more than a stranger, you can be swept off your feet. Your perceptions redefined. Your priorities drastically rearranged. Your life can change for the better, just as fast and just as much as you once thought your life was made worse. Broken turns to beautiful just as fast as beautiful to broken…

The nature of our association with this world is constantly changing… until we decide to slow something or someone down with us… The tension between positive and negative furies is also constant. Fear shows the path to a negative outcome; Love… the path towards the positive outcome. Naturally, it’s not that simple. Unfortunately, the choice to follow a path of love, of positive energy, of hope and faith takes an enormous amount of courage. You must watch over your own heart, your family and your loved ones. You must have a zero tolerance policy with those who would be frivolous with your heart, I don’t know any other way.

I know a great deal of what I’ve written sounds absurd, and there are those that’ll think I’m a total fool, not just with this post but the majority of all I have to say… I don’t like to spend a great deal of energy refuting or debating the choice one has to make regarding their dispositions towards love, karma, faith, hope, God or striving for an ideal. I’ll say this and this only. Life is all about choices. I choose to move towards love daily. I pray, I hope, I wish… I move towards the light. I seek out loved ones and laughter. I want to fill a home with joy, a bed with passion and a life with commitment.

There have been many times in my life when I just didn’t want to play anymore. I knew that I was always going to be sad, always be broken, and I’d never find solace in this world. I realized more and more that I surrounded myself with energy vampires, mindless activities, participated in destructive behaviors and then wondered why I didn’t feel inspired… I made a choice. A choice towards love, towards hope, towards possibility. Towards a world of abundant love and resources.

I will try daily for a few less strangers and a few more friends. Love based logic, not fear based logic. I will try to hold on to the hope that I can be pleasantly surprised by what this world has in store for me everyday. The very kindness that saves me very well may come from a stranger. The love of your life is no further from you than the courage of your own heart.


Tune of the day, the aforementioned

“All About People”
By the Great Paul Thorn

Seeking first to understand, just something I stole from the Buddhists, nevertheless I try to apply that principle everyday in my life. Yet, everyday, I know I fail in the application of this principle. I make judgments, jump to conclusions and try to hold onto some sort of totally fucked up notion, that just because I grasp the concept of the human condition, I then… must have a grasp on human suffering… Not the case. I’m trying… this much I know… I know I’ve suffered, that others suffer, and that suffering may very well be a constant in this world. I also know that suffering isn’t something you have to go through alone… Healing??? Maybe, but not the suffering… I’m not talking about “joyfully participating in the suffering of the world” I’m talking more about recognizing the suffering that is around you, not giving up hope, that love will prevail and knowing that you can help lessen that suffering.

I know I’m trapped in my own perceptions, just like the rest of us. I know there is pain in this world that I haven’t endured. Therefore I can’t always say, “I know how you feel”, to every instance of pain I become aware of. I may not know how you hurt, but I can be cognizant of that hurt. I can give my time, my energy, and my love to someone that is hurting…Being there, listening, being patient, loving someone… that is the only thing I know to do… Someone please tell me if I’m lost with this notion…

You cannot talk someone out of there pain, you can’t buy your way into their heart. There is nothing you can write or say to totally diminish their pain...No one likes to feel as if they can’t help someone they care about, this feeling of helplessness can drive you crazy… that’s coming from crazy himself…

Trust is one of the most precious things in this world, once its been taken from you, you just know that its never coming back, … that’s how I felt once upon a time…

Though I’ve had both trouble with and trouble loving women, I know I still want to love a woman. I may have trouble trusting people, but I will trust a person. I have had serious problems and doubts with religion but I still love God, trust God and I know God loves me…

With time and a deeper exploration of who I am, what I want and what I need, I’ve seen both trust and love return in my life. I love the irony of saying that I’ve had a great deal of help with all of this self discovery… I’ve been much more than lucky in my life…with my friendships and relationships… However it’s my contention that the deepest “seeking first to understand”, should most likely be directed inward…

In learning not to trust people, somehow I still want to love and trust a person. In discovering some of the things I don’t like about religion, I am able to see God’s love for me everywhere… In learning more about me, I’ve given myself a great chance to truly love others.

I’ve written about the “list” before… sit yourself down and make a list of the most important things to you in this world. If you can actually make a list, you are already better off than many... If in your top 5 or so you have 1 or 2 of these things I pray your heart is full of gratitude…

Time marches on.
Love is the biggest thing there is.
Love yourself.
Make your list and seek it out.
Everybody needs somebody.

The kindest voice you should hear all day is that of your own…




Tune of the day:
“Crazy” by
KC & Jojo

No matter how hard we try, how much we wish, how much prayer, time and energy we devote… We cannot go back in time. I’d like to think that our present and our future isn’t only a victim of the respective pasts that are all behind us… Undoubtedly and without question, our past experiences have provided us with the meanings that we carry in our hearts and minds daily. Our pasts provide the framework with how we live our daily lives and how we make major decisions…for better or for worse, I don’t know???

I suppose I’d like the paradigm to shift, I’d like to truly only hold onto lessons but drop the pain, cling to the meanings without the mourning… Live my life with love that will not be bricked up, broken down or fenced in by a past that can no longer hurt me.

Why do we only hold onto the memories that provided us with the most pain??? We always have the burdened thoughts and experiences foremost in our defensive heart and mindsets. This natural defense mechanism, is it one of the best things about being a human being? Or is it one of the worst? I’d give myself injections of “spot treatment amnesia” if I could, or maybe I wouldn’t… Trying to be well adjusted, keeping things on an even keel, waiting, watching the clock... Are these only plains of mediocrity... maybe holding cells, purgatory? I think those mindsets are just ways we handicap ourselves so we won’t get hurt. We get burned by the fires and curse ourselves to darkness and cold. Yet we still can’t for the life in us figure out why we walk around carrying the very baggage that poisons us… If you constantly inject yourself with poison, you’re going to walk around feeling sick. If we never really find our heart, or at least make a commitment to ourselves to find our heart, we are dooming ourselves to pain by tiny, tiny increments… I don’t want to paint in somber tones here. I’d much rather light candles than curse the darkness… I will make the full concession that time can be on your side, but I default to the stance that my time is only getting smaller, every single day.

I say let go of the poison, release it from your heart. Make a commitment to yourself and those you love. Tell them everyday that they bring you joy. That they make your life better and you don’t tell them often enough. Set yourself free. Do not tolerate those who would be frivolous with your love and your heart. Be fierce with your loyalties. Don’t give up. Faith and Love can grow. Your past brought you to today. Your still alive, all good things in this world remain here for you; they wait only for you to grab them with both hands.


Although we can never go back and make a new beginning, we can … start now and make a new ending… We are not prisoners of our pasts. We are survivors of our pasts. We learn, we live, we love… We try… We grow, we change, and we get better, smarter. If we allow ourselves, we can improve ourselves daily in everyway… Learn from your past, don’t be a prisoner to it.

Tune of the day
“Lucky”
By jason mraz colbie caillat

How do you know... when you know ? ? ? How do you know when your ready ? ? ? This will most likely be a predictable rant, this is just where my thoughts went today. Little about love, little about hope, lots about shedding fear based logic from your life...
I learned a very important lesson quite late in life, I learned the difference between missing someone and missing anyone.
Once upon a time, I would arrive home to my empty house, go through a mindless routine, prepare for the next day. I hated my empty home, hated every stick of furniture, every square inch of living area, my home felt like a jail cell.…
After a little prayer, reflection, meditation and time, I didn't mind living alone, I accepted it, I came and went, stayed out late, truly embraced the bachelor lifestyle. I did my best to put the energy of what I wanted out there in the universe…. Then, … before I could realize what was happening, I met someone, I got a feeling about them, I knew that I wanted to know more…
A kiss turns into hundreds of kisses, you want to touch them every time your close enough to. You leap to your phone when you hear an email or text hit the inbox... One of the most wonderful things about the mystery of human chemistry is that some people actually feel like home. The way they smell, how they feel under your hands, their taste, the way they walk, talk, .. all of it. Your heart beats faster and slower at the same time when your near them… Its truly terrific...
One of my favorite songs of all time, "Anna Begins", summarizes quite nicely the moment when you know your about to hit a crossroads with your heart……

"Then we're gonna have to think about the consequences,"she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...This time when kindness falls like rain It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind."These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days,"And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
"Anna", may claim she's not ready for this sort of thing, but listen to the rest of the song…

The aforementioned "crossroads" is a wonderful place to find yourself, … IF… you allow yourself to believe that you deserve happiness beyond your realm of comprehension.

I heard a great analogy once. Upon a lengthy argument between two ultra competitive individuals, one who competed professionally in a sport, the other had always only performed a training aspect of athletes who actually competed… Some strong opinions were offered, ultimately, anger prevailed and the athlete who competed simply closed his argument with,...
"Yeah, you’re a damn world class swimmer that’s never been in the pool"…
I always liked that analogy, furthermore, I like to incorporate the analogy in how I think about matters of the proverbial heart. I think that the vast majority of us live our emotional and spiritual lives like world class swimmers who refuse to go near the water…. It's far too predictable to think now that someone reading this is saying to themselves in their best verklempt inner voice, "I don't know how to swim"…. Bullshit. Just because your scared of the water is not to say you don't know how to swim….
Start with getting wet, its always easier that way. (that’s meant to be a little dirty)
I guess this blog is just another proclamation to not give up hope. Take your time, go slow, be cautious, guard your heart, but ultimately I say place your heart and soul at hazard, in those moments of vulnerability you actually can find life worth living... Try to be part of someone's world, allow them to be part of yours…
Falling is hard, staying there takes effort. If there is one chance in ten million to fall in love with someone that makes your heart beat fast and slow at the same time…
Wouldn't you take that chance ?
Tune of the day:
100 in a 55
By Pop Evil