I’ve been thinking a great deal about adversity and circumstance…
Many of these thoughts, no doubt, were brought on after watching the movie “Precious”… I watched this movie with the two most important people in the world to me… so, it was hard for me to remove feelings of guilt with all the blessings my life holds… as they were seated right next to me…
Obviously I had numerous opportunities to cross compare challenges in my life vs. challenges that Precious had to face… till I had the thought that maybe you can’t compare “hurts”…
I’ve had my share of battles, and I’ve had my share of poignant moments… there’s no doubt about that… However, I’ve never felt more blessed and guilty than I did after watching what this child’s life…was.
I didn’t want to sit through that movie and take away only one panicked thought… “Thank Goodness that isn’t my life”, that isn’t quite all I wanted to carry away, I’ve hoped I can gain some sense of perspective pertaining to hurt and the owner of the hurt.
Moreover, we all have our own set of unique challenges, and all of them require energy and effort, this perceived energy and effort can’t process issues that we aren’t exposed to…All that to say, I guess, we don’t really know what we would do… till we are there… we don’t know how we’d feel till whatever it is, happens.
The only constants being we will suffer and triumph as we make our way, and we will dedicate energy into love or fear…
Precious had every possible hardship imaginable, had no one to care for her, no one to love her, no one to protect her and no one to love…? (feel free to scream blasphemy at me here for not thoroughly citing and crediting God’s Love) The trespasses committed against her were the vilest and most heinous acts one could imagine… As I think of the horrific abuse and hate she had to overcome, I ask myself this question…
Is her “hurt” somehow heavier than anyone else’s “hurt”?
Does guilt live where blessing abounds?
Does pain have some sort of “eye of the beholder” grasp on our heart??? We are all little meaning generating machines, who are all prisoner to our own set of experiences…
If Precious had been born into a middle class, responsible, loving and morally sound family, couldn’t some other horrific set of circumstances find her and somehow she end up hurting just as much???
I think about these “fat cat” (that’s an Obama term) guys on Wall Street, and how they have to possibly cap their own salary out at $500,000 a year… now, I’d take that salary in a millisecond, and retire in 2 18 months… however these guys are most likely crying in their Krystal and getting the tear snots all over their Brooks Brothers… Is their pain still real? not to us… right??? They most likely have to pull their kids out of the $80,000 a year preschools and into the $40,000 a year preschools, taking a 2 month trip to Europe instead of 4 month… etc... The point being… their life is irrevocably changing and amidst both chaos and angst…. But, we think they are getting what they deserve and they should still consider themselves lucky …because they have money…
No one can control where or who they come from …
If Precious had money and an affluent upbringing… do you think she could have avoided all suffering? Can’t rich girls be abused and betrayed, go ask Elin Woods… how many people do you know with money that keep the money from the people and places that really need help in their lives ???
I think what I’m getting at with this convoluted mess of a thought is that pain doesn’t discriminate…. Impoverished people can suffer; Monetarily wealthy people can suffer… The meanings we generate from our experiences do not protect nor insulate us from pain and suffering…
The human condition can and will happen, even if you are totally surrounded by extrinsic blessing… I hold true that what we decide to cling to when we face that challenge will determine the fulfillment or demise of our heart.
I hold this to be one of many things that make both the human being and the human condition uniquely odd…
Pain doesn’t care about circumstances, color, socioeconomic status, gender or context, it just hurts…
So while I remember to put my blessed life into perspective, I guess what I also want to hold onto is the notion that hurt just hurts… when these hurts go on being trivialized or ignored, by yourself or others… the hurt shows up eventually somehow, someway and if trivialized and ignored for too long, hurt will abound…
Forgive these foolish thoughts, there are those that would say these are the rants of a middle class white male who knows nothing of pain and suffering… to that I’d say…
You’ve proven my point…
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
On the 11th of November I heard the song below performed by Bill DeMain at The Bluebird Café… I’m a huge fan of David Mead, (who was playing with that night also) and many of Mead’s songs are written with Mr. DeMain… so I find a very natural progression into coming to appreciate his lyrics as well…
I find a great deal of comfort in adopting mantras from various sources… One of my favorites to date has been the chorus of a David Mead song, “Indiana”… the “Come on Sugar just say I Love You” has been posted more than a few times on this blog…
Oddly, many times I’ve repeated this lyric to myself, or posted it by itself or maybe even hand written the words when I knew I needed to do the right thing, follow my heart and be the best human being I can be… All that to say, I guess, I’m calling myself “Sugar” as I’ve always said the kindest voice you should hear all day is that of your own… With the just say “I Love You” as a way to remind myself to keep my priorities in perspective… That more often than not that intense moment of fret, angst and panic is only just that… a moment…not who I am or what lay ahead of me.
Anywhere from getting cut off in traffic, having a disagreement with your loved one or a squabble with a co worker was a handy place for me to state, “Come on Sugar, Just say I Love You”… to myself… now obviously I wasn’t throwing out I Love Yous to co workers or other transients on the road ways, more over I was just reminding myself that these were just little flashes of tiny insignificant seconds that contained no baring on my heart’s intentions, my wishes, wants, future or love… So with a kind moniker to myself (Sugar) accompanied with the best phrase ever said I was able to remind myself that essentially, I want to be a good person ALL the time, and that putting something loving out in the world held far more potential than shooting a bird or wasting time, and breath on whichever energy vampire may come calling…
As far as when I adopted these words as a reminder to myself, I remember vividly… It was the first time I’d ever heard the song, riding in a car; this song was one of the driver’s favorites… All I remember after that was I knew I wanted to be the best man I could be, for me, and for her… When I heard her beautiful singing voice that she tries to hide, sing “Come on Sugar, just say I Love You”… I knew I wish she was singing them to me… Because I knew in that affirming moment all I ever wanted to be was good to her… I give no insight as to what David Mead may want to infer with the sentiment, I’d be willing to make a wager or two with my best guess… To me however, I know I apply the prose just as much inwardly, as I ever do outwardly… (although there may be those who disagree :)
While sitting at the Bluebird Café and hearing the song below, I felt a great deal of comfort in how wonderfully and simply a beautiful lyric can widdle the world down to a much more manageable size… “Closed My Eyes and Kept Believing”… I felt as if I’d lived these words most of my life… the words immediately became something that I wish I’d created…
I’ve not had time to fully absorb much of Bill DeMain’s work, I’d give myself a Master’s degree and going for the PhD on David Mead but I consider this song the first in my studies of the teachings of Bill DeMain… I look forward to the absorption… I’d bet, I’ll be better for it…
Close Your Eyes and Keep Believing… (more to come)
Once I Lived in London
Once I lived in London, right near the Vauxhall Bridge
In a room on a corner the size of a fridge
A bed, a desk, a window, and a fog across the Thames
Drinking English tea each morning in the sound of Big Ben
I went busking every day
Trying to find somewhere rich to play
Cold and nervous
Closed my eyes and kept believing
Closed my eyes and kept believing
Closed my eyes and kept believing
I quit my spring semester and sold the junk I had
Naïve I believed the stories in the music rags
Alone I walked the ancient streets looking for a magic key
Winding home through the dusk of London, just me
I sang Spandau Ballet’s “true”
Jobim, Yaz, The Plastic People too
Sang you near me
Closed my eyes and kept believing now
I closed my eyes and kept believing now
I closed my eyes and kept believing
It doesn’t last, a winter a spring and a summer
A turn of the tide and it’s over
And London’s crystallized on an 80’s postcard
Faded and burned on an 80’s postcard
Written to you on an 80’s postcard
I sang Spandau Ballet’s “true”
Jobim, Yaz, The Plastic People too
Sang you near me
Just close your eyes and keep believing now
Close your eyes and keep believing now
Close your eyes and keep believing now
© 2008 DeMain / Scott
I find a great deal of comfort in adopting mantras from various sources… One of my favorites to date has been the chorus of a David Mead song, “Indiana”… the “Come on Sugar just say I Love You” has been posted more than a few times on this blog…
Oddly, many times I’ve repeated this lyric to myself, or posted it by itself or maybe even hand written the words when I knew I needed to do the right thing, follow my heart and be the best human being I can be… All that to say, I guess, I’m calling myself “Sugar” as I’ve always said the kindest voice you should hear all day is that of your own… With the just say “I Love You” as a way to remind myself to keep my priorities in perspective… That more often than not that intense moment of fret, angst and panic is only just that… a moment…not who I am or what lay ahead of me.
Anywhere from getting cut off in traffic, having a disagreement with your loved one or a squabble with a co worker was a handy place for me to state, “Come on Sugar, Just say I Love You”… to myself… now obviously I wasn’t throwing out I Love Yous to co workers or other transients on the road ways, more over I was just reminding myself that these were just little flashes of tiny insignificant seconds that contained no baring on my heart’s intentions, my wishes, wants, future or love… So with a kind moniker to myself (Sugar) accompanied with the best phrase ever said I was able to remind myself that essentially, I want to be a good person ALL the time, and that putting something loving out in the world held far more potential than shooting a bird or wasting time, and breath on whichever energy vampire may come calling…
As far as when I adopted these words as a reminder to myself, I remember vividly… It was the first time I’d ever heard the song, riding in a car; this song was one of the driver’s favorites… All I remember after that was I knew I wanted to be the best man I could be, for me, and for her… When I heard her beautiful singing voice that she tries to hide, sing “Come on Sugar, just say I Love You”… I knew I wish she was singing them to me… Because I knew in that affirming moment all I ever wanted to be was good to her… I give no insight as to what David Mead may want to infer with the sentiment, I’d be willing to make a wager or two with my best guess… To me however, I know I apply the prose just as much inwardly, as I ever do outwardly… (although there may be those who disagree :)
While sitting at the Bluebird Café and hearing the song below, I felt a great deal of comfort in how wonderfully and simply a beautiful lyric can widdle the world down to a much more manageable size… “Closed My Eyes and Kept Believing”… I felt as if I’d lived these words most of my life… the words immediately became something that I wish I’d created…
I’ve not had time to fully absorb much of Bill DeMain’s work, I’d give myself a Master’s degree and going for the PhD on David Mead but I consider this song the first in my studies of the teachings of Bill DeMain… I look forward to the absorption… I’d bet, I’ll be better for it…
Close Your Eyes and Keep Believing… (more to come)
Once I Lived in London
Once I lived in London, right near the Vauxhall Bridge
In a room on a corner the size of a fridge
A bed, a desk, a window, and a fog across the Thames
Drinking English tea each morning in the sound of Big Ben
I went busking every day
Trying to find somewhere rich to play
Cold and nervous
Closed my eyes and kept believing
Closed my eyes and kept believing
Closed my eyes and kept believing
I quit my spring semester and sold the junk I had
Naïve I believed the stories in the music rags
Alone I walked the ancient streets looking for a magic key
Winding home through the dusk of London, just me
I sang Spandau Ballet’s “true”
Jobim, Yaz, The Plastic People too
Sang you near me
Closed my eyes and kept believing now
I closed my eyes and kept believing now
I closed my eyes and kept believing
It doesn’t last, a winter a spring and a summer
A turn of the tide and it’s over
And London’s crystallized on an 80’s postcard
Faded and burned on an 80’s postcard
Written to you on an 80’s postcard
I sang Spandau Ballet’s “true”
Jobim, Yaz, The Plastic People too
Sang you near me
Just close your eyes and keep believing now
Close your eyes and keep believing now
Close your eyes and keep believing now
© 2008 DeMain / Scott
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I was going through an old journal and found a half written entry... I could immediately tell after reading the quote with which I started how sad I must have been when I started to write this...
From the movie entitled "Blow" which tells of the adventures of drug smuggler George Jung...
George: "So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door".
as to whether George Jung ever actually said those words... or did screen writer David McKenna embellish and thought that maybe George Jung would have said this... who knows???
regardless, I think about this movie quote quite a lot... I'm pleased that as I get older... I tend to disagree with it more and more...
perhaps I'll expand on my disagreement with George at a later time, I was just amused with myself and the journal entry I found ...
From the movie entitled "Blow" which tells of the adventures of drug smuggler George Jung...
George: "So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door".
as to whether George Jung ever actually said those words... or did screen writer David McKenna embellish and thought that maybe George Jung would have said this... who knows???
regardless, I think about this movie quote quite a lot... I'm pleased that as I get older... I tend to disagree with it more and more...
perhaps I'll expand on my disagreement with George at a later time, I was just amused with myself and the journal entry I found ...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Strange Angel
I close my eyes and I fill my head with thoughts I’d hope would flee;
I recant a wasted life, wallow within my strife and pray for softer things to see
I’d barter all shallow fellowship, just to know I had one steadfast friend;
Give up all my erudition to walk with you forever and find peace before my end
Blessings lay on my heart, from the one who loves me the most;
Trying to find the sum of my deserving… lost in love with no fear of ghosts
Every breath from a dream to find This Strange Angel warm and beside me;
A delicate caress with her thumb to my held hand, I feel the answer, to my divine plea
Do not yield to disbelieving in Angels, once you’ve forgiven all that you are;
It just doesn’t seem possible to see the Lord’s worth or for an Angel to have come so far
To stay with you one day longer, always now my eternal reprieve;
Fidelity to Love and my Strange Angel… close to you… I cleave
Solely is my lesson, if in my time, all I learn is this;
Only a little while should we wander, live out loud with guard to your purpose, or it’s your Strange Angel you’ll miss…
I close my eyes and I fill my head with thoughts I’d hope would flee;
I recant a wasted life, wallow within my strife and pray for softer things to see
I’d barter all shallow fellowship, just to know I had one steadfast friend;
Give up all my erudition to walk with you forever and find peace before my end
Blessings lay on my heart, from the one who loves me the most;
Trying to find the sum of my deserving… lost in love with no fear of ghosts
Every breath from a dream to find This Strange Angel warm and beside me;
A delicate caress with her thumb to my held hand, I feel the answer, to my divine plea
Do not yield to disbelieving in Angels, once you’ve forgiven all that you are;
It just doesn’t seem possible to see the Lord’s worth or for an Angel to have come so far
To stay with you one day longer, always now my eternal reprieve;
Fidelity to Love and my Strange Angel… close to you… I cleave
Solely is my lesson, if in my time, all I learn is this;
Only a little while should we wander, live out loud with guard to your purpose, or it’s your Strange Angel you’ll miss…
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I've been thinking a great deal about the Tin Woodman from the Wizard of Oz…
How random is that ???
What advice would you give to him, upon receipt of his new heart ?
Ode to the Tin Woodman…
You asked with your entire muster, the one thing you wanted to become true…
All that was missing inside you, blood in your veins, but nothing to pump it through…
All you ever wanted and all you ever wanted to feel inside
Was a feeling in your chest and a smile that you can’t hide
You’ll find with this new item, it does much more than merely tick…
Be careful with those you let near it, The skins just not so thick…
Not to say that it’s made to be broken; it can endure more than you’ll ever know…
Time attempts to put asunder your love… and letting go…
Seek out the melody of enamor, this symphony will beat slow and beat fast…
If you’re lucky the counterpoint seeks you also, if your lucky more, your luck will last…
There is no solace in fretting, be scrupulous, but don’t dwell on mistakes you may make…
The true sorrow is in the knowing… of the chances you didn’t take…
Maybe if you know, you know this from the start…
Your heart outlasts forever…
Even if… Once Upon A Time… it were to fall apart…
How random is that ???
What advice would you give to him, upon receipt of his new heart ?
Ode to the Tin Woodman…
You asked with your entire muster, the one thing you wanted to become true…
All that was missing inside you, blood in your veins, but nothing to pump it through…
All you ever wanted and all you ever wanted to feel inside
Was a feeling in your chest and a smile that you can’t hide
You’ll find with this new item, it does much more than merely tick…
Be careful with those you let near it, The skins just not so thick…
Not to say that it’s made to be broken; it can endure more than you’ll ever know…
Time attempts to put asunder your love… and letting go…
Seek out the melody of enamor, this symphony will beat slow and beat fast…
If you’re lucky the counterpoint seeks you also, if your lucky more, your luck will last…
There is no solace in fretting, be scrupulous, but don’t dwell on mistakes you may make…
The true sorrow is in the knowing… of the chances you didn’t take…
Maybe if you know, you know this from the start…
Your heart outlasts forever…
Even if… Once Upon A Time… it were to fall apart…
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
While currently reading “Fearless”… I find myself thinking of some of my favorite snapshots of what being afraid can look like, sound like or feel like… and I do love finding some “depth” in unconventional places… From The Shawshank Redemption…
What was Brooks really afraid of ???
Brooks: [narrating] Dear fellas, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer". And a job bagging groceries at the Foodway. It's hard work and I try to keep up but my hands hurt most of the time. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. Sometimes after work I go to the park and feed the birds. I keep thinking Jake might just show up and say hello. But he never does. I hope wherever he is he's okay and makin' new friends. I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should get me a gun, an, an rob the Foodway so they'd send me home. I could shoot the manager while I was at it, sort of like a bonus. I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense anymore. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old crook like me.[carves "Brooks was here" into wood. Admires his work for a moment. Then kicks out the table beneath him and hangs himself]
What was Brooks really afraid of ???
Brooks: [narrating] Dear fellas, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer". And a job bagging groceries at the Foodway. It's hard work and I try to keep up but my hands hurt most of the time. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. Sometimes after work I go to the park and feed the birds. I keep thinking Jake might just show up and say hello. But he never does. I hope wherever he is he's okay and makin' new friends. I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should get me a gun, an, an rob the Foodway so they'd send me home. I could shoot the manager while I was at it, sort of like a bonus. I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense anymore. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old crook like me.[carves "Brooks was here" into wood. Admires his work for a moment. Then kicks out the table beneath him and hangs himself]
Monday, September 21, 2009
One of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up like my parents.
Both of my parents are alone, unhappy and have lost all interest in salvaging a life that reaches for happiness… They’ve given up on the chance for happiness… I suppose that’s putting it very “matter of factly”; I guess I just can’t see the evidence of any effort on their parts… It’s quite paradoxical to think that your Mother is actually… just a woman… and you’re Father, just a man… I know they’d both refute my claim of their surrender to being unhappy… I guess I just wish they’d try harder... or I knew how to help… or both : )
When I’m around my Mom, I feel the heaviness of her pain and it breaks my heart. Every time.
Why did they end up the way they did ? Or is it more important to ask why do they reaffirm daily that it’s too late to change the ending??? Isn’t it possible that tomorrow very well could be the day they turn it all around? Or start to believe that they can change their ending? and push towards a life that believes in the chance for happiness?
I feel that if I believe that the chance for happiness exists, then through love, patience, effort and time, the life I want is possible…The obstacles will be constant and at times seem insurmountable… I can choose either fear, or faith…
I digress… back to my fear of ending up like my parents…
I think sometimes when I arrive to my house that I am well on my way to ending up… just like them… Sometimes I pause in the driveway, I sit, still in my car, ignition off … I draw a long deep breath, fight off the slab of heartache from sliding over me completely… I try to swallow down whatever fear I’ve mustered up in the few moments I’ve been sitting there I tell myself I’m not like them… I inhale hope and exhale faith…
If life is all about choices, a choice for love, for patience, with effort for the things you want... that accepts the peace and sting of time… in the end I know I’ll have no one to blame other than myself if I give into fear, doubt and despair…
I’ve not given up on my parent’s chance for happiness… Maybe somewhere in my fear of my parent’s loss of a chance for happiness, I can truly find the one thing for myself and for my parents that will make all the difference…
Both of my parents are alone, unhappy and have lost all interest in salvaging a life that reaches for happiness… They’ve given up on the chance for happiness… I suppose that’s putting it very “matter of factly”; I guess I just can’t see the evidence of any effort on their parts… It’s quite paradoxical to think that your Mother is actually… just a woman… and you’re Father, just a man… I know they’d both refute my claim of their surrender to being unhappy… I guess I just wish they’d try harder... or I knew how to help… or both : )
When I’m around my Mom, I feel the heaviness of her pain and it breaks my heart. Every time.
Why did they end up the way they did ? Or is it more important to ask why do they reaffirm daily that it’s too late to change the ending??? Isn’t it possible that tomorrow very well could be the day they turn it all around? Or start to believe that they can change their ending? and push towards a life that believes in the chance for happiness?
I feel that if I believe that the chance for happiness exists, then through love, patience, effort and time, the life I want is possible…The obstacles will be constant and at times seem insurmountable… I can choose either fear, or faith…
I digress… back to my fear of ending up like my parents…
I think sometimes when I arrive to my house that I am well on my way to ending up… just like them… Sometimes I pause in the driveway, I sit, still in my car, ignition off … I draw a long deep breath, fight off the slab of heartache from sliding over me completely… I try to swallow down whatever fear I’ve mustered up in the few moments I’ve been sitting there I tell myself I’m not like them… I inhale hope and exhale faith…
If life is all about choices, a choice for love, for patience, with effort for the things you want... that accepts the peace and sting of time… in the end I know I’ll have no one to blame other than myself if I give into fear, doubt and despair…
I’ve not given up on my parent’s chance for happiness… Maybe somewhere in my fear of my parent’s loss of a chance for happiness, I can truly find the one thing for myself and for my parents that will make all the difference…
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I started thinking sometime in my late twenties about how a human being assimilates, processes and stores emotional pain… with the comparison of the human body and how it reacts to physical pain…
The human body…will bleed when cut too deep, bones break and our bodies tell us when we have an obvious breaking point.. We pass out when overcome with pain, our bodies simply say “no mas” the brain sends a signal to the body to shut down… and that is that… the pain ceases. More important of distinction, our bodies are almost all like this… sure, pain thresholds vary.. But when enough is enough, our brain shuts it down…almost as if we are hard wired with some sort of “guideline limit” with processing physical pain...
Our hearts on the other hand can undergo years and years of torment and trauma… and liken to a pain threshold; we have some differences in how much we can take…
Some of us will end a relationship, make a hard decision, leave a job, check into a mental hospital, etc, where others will simply stay put and stay miserable… They endure and accept the pain and say farewell to happiness…I think we all know at least one person who we know is morbidly depressed, and will do nothing to improve their situation.
Why?
Are we as human beings these finite, bounded, limited, circumscribed and restricted vessels that can only hold so much??? If I take this possibility, I paint with the somber tones that, I can only love so much, live so long, feel so much, and either endure or overcome only a certain amount of meaning in my life… regardless of my experiences…
Or
Are we as human beings measureless? Are our hearts, our love, and our possibilities to overcome boundless, without limit, vast and infinite??? I feel that’s precisely what we are… We are all uncomfortable with how much potential we have and how much opportunity lay before us… …. I read somewhere once that we are all uncomfortable with how much God loves us… as if in some way we feel as if we don’t deserve it…
I think the point I want to make is simply this;
We have to make room for the good stuff. Everyday. It’s not a matter of forgetting what we go through. I know I need to accept that my pain, my mistakes, my trespasses and all else brought me to this point. I know I can do nothing for my beginning, but I can and will control the direction of my ending…
The only thing limited to us that matters in this world is time… Love abounds, the power of your heart is measureless… don’t let anyone tell you its not. We are not only the abuse we’ve suffered, the things we’ve done or had done to us…If you are withholding forgiveness… give it, not so that the other party can walk away… Grant forgiveness so that you may walk forward. If you seek forgiveness do what you need to do to get your grief, guilt or heavy feelings to a more manageable place….
Make room for the good stuff…
Don’t wait too long…
The human body…will bleed when cut too deep, bones break and our bodies tell us when we have an obvious breaking point.. We pass out when overcome with pain, our bodies simply say “no mas” the brain sends a signal to the body to shut down… and that is that… the pain ceases. More important of distinction, our bodies are almost all like this… sure, pain thresholds vary.. But when enough is enough, our brain shuts it down…almost as if we are hard wired with some sort of “guideline limit” with processing physical pain...
Our hearts on the other hand can undergo years and years of torment and trauma… and liken to a pain threshold; we have some differences in how much we can take…
Some of us will end a relationship, make a hard decision, leave a job, check into a mental hospital, etc, where others will simply stay put and stay miserable… They endure and accept the pain and say farewell to happiness…I think we all know at least one person who we know is morbidly depressed, and will do nothing to improve their situation.
Why?
Are we as human beings these finite, bounded, limited, circumscribed and restricted vessels that can only hold so much??? If I take this possibility, I paint with the somber tones that, I can only love so much, live so long, feel so much, and either endure or overcome only a certain amount of meaning in my life… regardless of my experiences…
Or
Are we as human beings measureless? Are our hearts, our love, and our possibilities to overcome boundless, without limit, vast and infinite??? I feel that’s precisely what we are… We are all uncomfortable with how much potential we have and how much opportunity lay before us… …. I read somewhere once that we are all uncomfortable with how much God loves us… as if in some way we feel as if we don’t deserve it…
I think the point I want to make is simply this;
We have to make room for the good stuff. Everyday. It’s not a matter of forgetting what we go through. I know I need to accept that my pain, my mistakes, my trespasses and all else brought me to this point. I know I can do nothing for my beginning, but I can and will control the direction of my ending…
The only thing limited to us that matters in this world is time… Love abounds, the power of your heart is measureless… don’t let anyone tell you its not. We are not only the abuse we’ve suffered, the things we’ve done or had done to us…If you are withholding forgiveness… give it, not so that the other party can walk away… Grant forgiveness so that you may walk forward. If you seek forgiveness do what you need to do to get your grief, guilt or heavy feelings to a more manageable place….
Make room for the good stuff…
Don’t wait too long…
this song will always remind me...
"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you"
The Luckiest
By Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belongThat I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you"
The Luckiest
By Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belongThat I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Hello out there to anyone who's been following... I know I'm well delinquent with putting up some new thoughts... I'll get something posted very soon, most of my writing as of late as stayed in the confines of a hand written journal... I've always enjoyed both writing "out loud" and only to myself... however, more and more as of late, I've found some solace in suppressive "internal only" dialogue with a pen and paper... I think only to make sure the things I am trying to get out there in the world are well thought through... and said, to those who matter the most to me, the proper way so.. all that to say, I'll get something posted soon... I've gotten some really nice comments, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness...
joy abounds, as long as you make room for it...
joy abounds, as long as you make room for it...
Monday, August 17, 2009
“If My Heart Wasn’t Such A Jungle
Maybe You Wouldn’t Feel So All Alone,
If Your Heart Wasn’t Such An Ocean,
I Wouldn’t Sink… Like A Stone”
One of my favorite lyrics, from one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite singer / songwriters…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately… Moreover, I’ve been thinking recently about how I’ve been thinking the last several years about my life…
I had the thought, that maybe its possible;
I’m not the Jungle, all the time… Maybe I’m the Ocean sometime…
I know that if we are way more than lucky in this world, we will have the Love, Courage and Patience to allow ourselves to sink … If the greatest hurts come from the Jungles, the greatest Love comes from the Oceans…
If I can convince myself that maybe I can be the Ocean, I won’t worry so much about the Jungle… Love Heals What Time Can’t… Sometimes growth and healing can take so long; once we get there we don’t give ourselves the credit that progress has actually happened…
I think sometimes I’ve held on so long… I find myself afraid to move on…
I catch myself thinking about praying, and praying about thinking, all the while, not knowing which I need to do more of...
I pray for the Ocean...
Maybe You Wouldn’t Feel So All Alone,
If Your Heart Wasn’t Such An Ocean,
I Wouldn’t Sink… Like A Stone”
One of my favorite lyrics, from one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite singer / songwriters…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately… Moreover, I’ve been thinking recently about how I’ve been thinking the last several years about my life…
I had the thought, that maybe its possible;
I’m not the Jungle, all the time… Maybe I’m the Ocean sometime…
I know that if we are way more than lucky in this world, we will have the Love, Courage and Patience to allow ourselves to sink … If the greatest hurts come from the Jungles, the greatest Love comes from the Oceans…
If I can convince myself that maybe I can be the Ocean, I won’t worry so much about the Jungle… Love Heals What Time Can’t… Sometimes growth and healing can take so long; once we get there we don’t give ourselves the credit that progress has actually happened…
I think sometimes I’ve held on so long… I find myself afraid to move on…
I catch myself thinking about praying, and praying about thinking, all the while, not knowing which I need to do more of...
I pray for the Ocean...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
an actual blog type message today for a change : )
http://www.amazon.com/Fearless-Imagine-Your-Life-Without/dp/0849921392/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250004823&sr=1-1
Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear by Max Lucado... I believe its in pre order, but I say use your public library : )
This is going to be a sensational book... I'm sure I'll have much to talk about after reading...
From the author,
Each sunrise seems to bring fresh reasons for fear.
They're talking layoffs at work, slowdowns in the economy, flare-ups in the Middle East, turnovers at headquarters, downturns in the housing market, upswings in global warming. The plague of our day, terrorism, begins with the word terror. Fear, it seems, has taken up a hundred-year lease on the building next door and set up shop. Oversized and rude, fear herds us into a prison of unlocked doors. Wouldn't it be great to walk out?
Imagine your life, wholly untouched by angst. What if faith, not fear, was your default reaction to threats? If you could hover a fear magnet over your heart and extract every last shaving of dread, insecurity, or doubt, what would remain? Envision a day, just one day, where you could trust more and fear less.
Can you imagine your life without fear?
Wow...
I've read a couple of his books... I don't agree with every word he says... but, I've heard some really great buzz about this book, supposedly, it'll be not so "preachy"... we shall see...
http://www.amazon.com/Fearless-Imagine-Your-Life-Without/dp/0849921392/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250004823&sr=1-1
Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear by Max Lucado... I believe its in pre order, but I say use your public library : )
This is going to be a sensational book... I'm sure I'll have much to talk about after reading...
From the author,
Each sunrise seems to bring fresh reasons for fear.
They're talking layoffs at work, slowdowns in the economy, flare-ups in the Middle East, turnovers at headquarters, downturns in the housing market, upswings in global warming. The plague of our day, terrorism, begins with the word terror. Fear, it seems, has taken up a hundred-year lease on the building next door and set up shop. Oversized and rude, fear herds us into a prison of unlocked doors. Wouldn't it be great to walk out?
Imagine your life, wholly untouched by angst. What if faith, not fear, was your default reaction to threats? If you could hover a fear magnet over your heart and extract every last shaving of dread, insecurity, or doubt, what would remain? Envision a day, just one day, where you could trust more and fear less.
Can you imagine your life without fear?
Wow...
I've read a couple of his books... I don't agree with every word he says... but, I've heard some really great buzz about this book, supposedly, it'll be not so "preachy"... we shall see...
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
So… I used to never want to talk about anything… Never wanted to dig too deep, never wanted to discuss a “serious” or “hard” topic in regards to a man–woman, boy–girl relationship… I routinely would dodge any semblance of a serious conversation, refused to participate in any talk about the future, did my own thing, cared mostly only for myself and then had the audacity to wonder why I one day woke up crestfallen and full of discontent…
I think the reasoning for these reluctances to “dig in” have varied in my life… The intensities of these reluctances also shown no sign of being consistent either…In the briefest of summations, I have concluded the following in relation to this piece of my past…
“I feared hurt and the chance of being hurt”…
(or as I had first listed “I was chicken shit”, but decided against actually listing this bit of nomenclature for fear of being viewed as too much of a redneck. : )
I know that not dealing with the points of pain and fears in my life have cost me dearly…I also know that it’s never too late… I can’t go back and begin at the beginning… but I can start now and make a new ending…That’s probably in my top 10 of mantras…
Recently in my life I survived an epiphany… I decided that not communicating the things inside of me was a mistake… The feeling of sincerely wanting to get my act together offered a new lease on life for me…
I took a long walk alone on Thanksgiving Day of 2008. I left out from my house around 5AM; it was an unseasonably warm and sunny day… I carried with me my laptop, blackberry, pen, paper and a lot of heavy feelings… I drove to the East Nashville Greenway area… I was able to pick up a wireless signal from the surrounding neighborhood area most of the time…. I sent numerous emails of thanks to those who have helped and loved me the most… When emailing failed, I began to text; the phone rang several times from some unexpected places… I wandered quite far that day… Somewhere in the tears, walking, laughter and beautiful sadness of a sunny, solitude filled Thanksgiving Day… I decided I needed to do better, to try harder… I needed to become better at living out loud and on purpose… I previously, had been expert on hiding and not allowing vulnerability into my life… I promised myself somewhere out there in my ambulation that I would allow parts of my broken ego to die, so that the best parts of me had a genuine chance to truly live… One of the last things I did, after both the battery on the laptop and blackberry had expired… was to make of list of the things I wanted the most in my life… I’ve mentioned a couple of times this “list”…If you can make a list… Great! That’s step one and your more ahead of the game than most… If you actually have one or two of the things on your list, I recommend a heavy dose of gratitude… daily and anew… Embracing your blessings can and will drive away your burdens… I felt it better to move on, than hold on…I arrived back to my car at nearly dark, 500p or so… I had taken water with me, but hadn’t eaten all day… Oddly I wasn’t hungry when I arrived to the car... I feel as if I had fed on rebirth… Somehow throughout the course of the day my sustenance was the possibility that I realized lay before me… It was possibility that I had denied myself for far too long… I wasn’t the sad things that happened to me… I wasn’t the mistakes I made… I wasn’t much more than an animal walking this earth, but I wanted to be an animal with an out loud and on purpose heart, everyday that I lived…
This epiphany has given way to a couple of others…Coming to realize who you love, and why you love them is a feeling that is second to none…
I started this post with the ideas of pain, communication and suppression in loving relationships… The aforementioned walk covered all manner of darkness for me… Mostly I focused on what I want in my life…A couple of times in the months that have come to pass I have retrieved my list… All at once I can feel the sun on my face from that day, the contrast of the cool autumn breeze… When I hold the list I’m back to that day, I feel the gratitude in my heart… I gaze at this list; I feel love, progress, growth and possibility in what I have listed… Can I ask for anything more?? ?
I had a great conversation with a dear friend recently about God and pain… I’m referring to the pain that sometimes comes out of our eyes, the pain that is an anvil on our heart, the pain that keeps us from our joy…
My friend essentially thought that the pain is presented to us by God as an instrument of invoking us to communicate somehow to someone… something… Not to say that God wants us to hurt, moreover God wants us to feel and think (as if those two things went hand in hand)… He did mention numerous times that the “communicating” most likely needs to be going to God, in the form or prayer… Talking to friends, family, loved ones, of course are also tantamount to progress in relation to addressing the pain. Also, the pain would remain till we’ve talked enough to whomever we needed to talk to… By parallel, once we’ve talked enough, the pain would have diminished.. So I came to ask.. Can I then assume…conterminously…. That pain and communication with the right people, places and timing will allow both the pain and the want/need to talk about the pain to dissipate together… maybe ??? No universal solutions were agreed upon, but it was a great talk with a great friend…
The pain that we can’t figure out who to talk to is by far the worse…. Maybe a two way tie with the pain that we also realize isn’t logical…Trying to be logical and feeling hurt all at the same time leaves you somewhere between frustrated and anxious…
I try to find balance in thinking and feeling… as I’ve stated many times … a work in progress to say the least…
I’ve realized that spewing my pain out on the world isn’t the best idea either… This is where I find myself now… This also is where I want to explore a deeper understanding, somewhere within the realm of loving, open communication and the proper suppression to filter out the unnecessary issues I should own and truly embrace… I want to be able to address what needs to be communicated to one another…and leave my ugly humanness aside…
I want to achieve the most effective, efficient communication possible with the one I love the most, so we can spend our time enjoying our life together… as I know no one enjoys emotion wrenching conversations… no one wants to feel as if they are in a “fight” I’m done fighting, I’m going to stick with talking, listening, trusting and living out loud with someone I love…
I know I struggle with the best time to talk about hard things with the one I love the most… All I’ve come up with so far is this… With all the love I can, after I’ve allowed enough thought to pass, when my partner is in a place where she can really “hear” me... so I can be the best person I can for me.. And for her…
With the right amounts of suppression and thought, communication and love, time and prayer, meditation and patience… The realities of time, space, damage and distance don’t seem like such an unconquerable foe…
There is much more to love than simply always getting what you want…
Melancholy moments are moments and moments alone…everyone at some point in time will find themselves there.
I recently read a very thought provoking book that encompasses “Loving and Letting Go”… this thought I’d very much like to explore and expound on sometime in the near future…
I know that giving into trust fully, and with your whole heart takes time… more often than not, one will come well before the other…
Somewhere betwixt acceptance, compromise, and understanding what you truly want… is my salvation, my resurrection and all of the reasons I’m grateful for every millisecond of this life…
Tune of the day
“So Far From Me”
By Brett Dennen
I think the reasoning for these reluctances to “dig in” have varied in my life… The intensities of these reluctances also shown no sign of being consistent either…In the briefest of summations, I have concluded the following in relation to this piece of my past…
“I feared hurt and the chance of being hurt”…
(or as I had first listed “I was chicken shit”, but decided against actually listing this bit of nomenclature for fear of being viewed as too much of a redneck. : )
I know that not dealing with the points of pain and fears in my life have cost me dearly…I also know that it’s never too late… I can’t go back and begin at the beginning… but I can start now and make a new ending…That’s probably in my top 10 of mantras…
Recently in my life I survived an epiphany… I decided that not communicating the things inside of me was a mistake… The feeling of sincerely wanting to get my act together offered a new lease on life for me…
I took a long walk alone on Thanksgiving Day of 2008. I left out from my house around 5AM; it was an unseasonably warm and sunny day… I carried with me my laptop, blackberry, pen, paper and a lot of heavy feelings… I drove to the East Nashville Greenway area… I was able to pick up a wireless signal from the surrounding neighborhood area most of the time…. I sent numerous emails of thanks to those who have helped and loved me the most… When emailing failed, I began to text; the phone rang several times from some unexpected places… I wandered quite far that day… Somewhere in the tears, walking, laughter and beautiful sadness of a sunny, solitude filled Thanksgiving Day… I decided I needed to do better, to try harder… I needed to become better at living out loud and on purpose… I previously, had been expert on hiding and not allowing vulnerability into my life… I promised myself somewhere out there in my ambulation that I would allow parts of my broken ego to die, so that the best parts of me had a genuine chance to truly live… One of the last things I did, after both the battery on the laptop and blackberry had expired… was to make of list of the things I wanted the most in my life… I’ve mentioned a couple of times this “list”…If you can make a list… Great! That’s step one and your more ahead of the game than most… If you actually have one or two of the things on your list, I recommend a heavy dose of gratitude… daily and anew… Embracing your blessings can and will drive away your burdens… I felt it better to move on, than hold on…I arrived back to my car at nearly dark, 500p or so… I had taken water with me, but hadn’t eaten all day… Oddly I wasn’t hungry when I arrived to the car... I feel as if I had fed on rebirth… Somehow throughout the course of the day my sustenance was the possibility that I realized lay before me… It was possibility that I had denied myself for far too long… I wasn’t the sad things that happened to me… I wasn’t the mistakes I made… I wasn’t much more than an animal walking this earth, but I wanted to be an animal with an out loud and on purpose heart, everyday that I lived…
This epiphany has given way to a couple of others…Coming to realize who you love, and why you love them is a feeling that is second to none…
I started this post with the ideas of pain, communication and suppression in loving relationships… The aforementioned walk covered all manner of darkness for me… Mostly I focused on what I want in my life…A couple of times in the months that have come to pass I have retrieved my list… All at once I can feel the sun on my face from that day, the contrast of the cool autumn breeze… When I hold the list I’m back to that day, I feel the gratitude in my heart… I gaze at this list; I feel love, progress, growth and possibility in what I have listed… Can I ask for anything more?? ?
I had a great conversation with a dear friend recently about God and pain… I’m referring to the pain that sometimes comes out of our eyes, the pain that is an anvil on our heart, the pain that keeps us from our joy…
My friend essentially thought that the pain is presented to us by God as an instrument of invoking us to communicate somehow to someone… something… Not to say that God wants us to hurt, moreover God wants us to feel and think (as if those two things went hand in hand)… He did mention numerous times that the “communicating” most likely needs to be going to God, in the form or prayer… Talking to friends, family, loved ones, of course are also tantamount to progress in relation to addressing the pain. Also, the pain would remain till we’ve talked enough to whomever we needed to talk to… By parallel, once we’ve talked enough, the pain would have diminished.. So I came to ask.. Can I then assume…conterminously…. That pain and communication with the right people, places and timing will allow both the pain and the want/need to talk about the pain to dissipate together… maybe ??? No universal solutions were agreed upon, but it was a great talk with a great friend…
The pain that we can’t figure out who to talk to is by far the worse…. Maybe a two way tie with the pain that we also realize isn’t logical…Trying to be logical and feeling hurt all at the same time leaves you somewhere between frustrated and anxious…
I try to find balance in thinking and feeling… as I’ve stated many times … a work in progress to say the least…
I’ve realized that spewing my pain out on the world isn’t the best idea either… This is where I find myself now… This also is where I want to explore a deeper understanding, somewhere within the realm of loving, open communication and the proper suppression to filter out the unnecessary issues I should own and truly embrace… I want to be able to address what needs to be communicated to one another…and leave my ugly humanness aside…
I want to achieve the most effective, efficient communication possible with the one I love the most, so we can spend our time enjoying our life together… as I know no one enjoys emotion wrenching conversations… no one wants to feel as if they are in a “fight” I’m done fighting, I’m going to stick with talking, listening, trusting and living out loud with someone I love…
I know I struggle with the best time to talk about hard things with the one I love the most… All I’ve come up with so far is this… With all the love I can, after I’ve allowed enough thought to pass, when my partner is in a place where she can really “hear” me... so I can be the best person I can for me.. And for her…
With the right amounts of suppression and thought, communication and love, time and prayer, meditation and patience… The realities of time, space, damage and distance don’t seem like such an unconquerable foe…
There is much more to love than simply always getting what you want…
Melancholy moments are moments and moments alone…everyone at some point in time will find themselves there.
I recently read a very thought provoking book that encompasses “Loving and Letting Go”… this thought I’d very much like to explore and expound on sometime in the near future…
I know that giving into trust fully, and with your whole heart takes time… more often than not, one will come well before the other…
Somewhere betwixt acceptance, compromise, and understanding what you truly want… is my salvation, my resurrection and all of the reasons I’m grateful for every millisecond of this life…
Tune of the day
“So Far From Me”
By Brett Dennen
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
If the greatest pains in our respective lives come from relationships? Is it also possible that the greatest joys come from relationships also?
Do we experience God through other people?
Does every person bring with them a lesson?
This isn’t a new thought from me at all, people come in and out of our lives, some stay longer than others. The older you get the more things get taken from you, if we are way more than lucky we are growing from our mistakes, dodging jadedness, and following love based logic…
I know that my deepest pains have come from relationships… that pain could be called by many different names, betrayal quite often, indifference sometimes, the only constant being the realization of my own flaws in a relationship and truly embracing all that I need to own and work on to become a better mate and partner…
Where am I in the process? Still learning … I do the best I can, some days are better than others : )
I hold true to the hope that my greatest healing will come from a relationship…
I spoke earlier of jadedness and lessons learned…
As people go to and fro in our life like busboys in a crowded restaurant… Some busboys are bringing things we very much enjoy, some are taking away things we are finished with, some bring us crap we didn’t order… Inevitably some disappoint us greatly; we vow never to return to that locale, thus severely affecting our feelings on tipping… (Forgive that awful analogy)
Maybe there are a few people out there in the world that don’t have to learn and then re learn after a bad break in love… My guess is that these people are out there somewhere… I think most of us, will learn something only to un learn it, then if we are lucky, allow ourselves to re learn…
If we can trust and heal, love and hope, we will re learn, then grow, live and evolve with the people and to the places that love us the most….
Tune Of The Day:
“Home”
By David Mead
Do we experience God through other people?
Does every person bring with them a lesson?
This isn’t a new thought from me at all, people come in and out of our lives, some stay longer than others. The older you get the more things get taken from you, if we are way more than lucky we are growing from our mistakes, dodging jadedness, and following love based logic…
I know that my deepest pains have come from relationships… that pain could be called by many different names, betrayal quite often, indifference sometimes, the only constant being the realization of my own flaws in a relationship and truly embracing all that I need to own and work on to become a better mate and partner…
Where am I in the process? Still learning … I do the best I can, some days are better than others : )
I hold true to the hope that my greatest healing will come from a relationship…
I spoke earlier of jadedness and lessons learned…
As people go to and fro in our life like busboys in a crowded restaurant… Some busboys are bringing things we very much enjoy, some are taking away things we are finished with, some bring us crap we didn’t order… Inevitably some disappoint us greatly; we vow never to return to that locale, thus severely affecting our feelings on tipping… (Forgive that awful analogy)
Maybe there are a few people out there in the world that don’t have to learn and then re learn after a bad break in love… My guess is that these people are out there somewhere… I think most of us, will learn something only to un learn it, then if we are lucky, allow ourselves to re learn…
If we can trust and heal, love and hope, we will re learn, then grow, live and evolve with the people and to the places that love us the most….
Tune Of The Day:
“Home”
By David Mead
Friday, July 3, 2009
“Life”… is what is actually happening … while we wait for moments that never come” …
So… Tell me about your life…
Where would you begin? Where would your mate? Where would your parents? Where would your friends?
I would like to think that I have a general idea as to where those closest to me would begin…
Sadly, I think several of my friends would start out with an overly glamorized description of their twentieth century invention called a “career” . . .
The well adjusted, “fully aware of the human condition” friends of course would start out with some profound statement of being…
I think some would start out with the “funeral” style description of a life...Here lay so and so, son of so and so...whether tragedy or triumph he did this, then came that, etc… I do not debate that family is tantamount to life, and family may very well be what will define you… so I’m not saying the funeral style description of a life is wrong, rather that is just a possible style to describe one’s life…
Author Anne Lamont tells a great story in her book “Grace Eventually” wherein she tells of an evening she spent with some mentally challenged adults. She participated as a “helper” at a dance which the group of adults held… Anne enjoyed herself, danced and laughed and all while also performing her “helper’ duties… At the end of the evening, an administrator of sorts gathered the adults to thank all of the helpers. One of the adults exuberantly exclaimed that they were all very fond of one particular helper, as she was … a helper… and she danced …
Anne Lamont goes on to say that she wants those words etched on her tombstone, I have to agree that would be high enough praise for me… I too strive to be a helper, and to dance…
The quote with which I started from best I can tell is my own thought… I know it’s very subject to interpretation and debate… The most obvious point of debate being the notion of “waiting” and more specifically the “moments that never come” … As much as I enjoy thinking and discussing love based logics vs. fear based logics, … I feel that this quote pulls from fear alone, maybe different aspects of fear, maybe fear that isn’t without reason or purpoe, but I think they are all fear based nevertheless…
Lets start with a person who is certain that great things will happen for them, but the moments… never come, inevitably this person will be left disappointed, hurt, broken down and full of despair ? ? ? (Faith)
Now let’s think of a person that fears horrible things will happen for them and lurk around every corner of life... This person spends their life afraid, never really living, one foot out the door, full of terror and doubt… ? ? ? (Pragmatism)
Then again, there is also the word “actually”… that brings to mind that maybe we are all missing out on something, as Life is actually happening while we are all waiting… waiting for what is irrelevant as I’m fairly sure at some point in time we’ve all wished or waited our life away for not… what are we waiting on ? ? ?
Thinking about this world and its finiteness in relation to time drive me crazy sometimes… I’m pushing myself more and more to embrace the things in this world that aren’t bound by time and are truly infinite…
Love can and will live forever, I believe that in my heart, soul and bones…
Kindness, generosity and the process of at least trying to become selfless… I believe will also ring out for all time and well beyond this world…
I don’t have anything other than a hope that I can embrace my life and the things I love daily. That I’m involved and engaged in the things that surround me. That I reach out daily for the things I care about the most with both arms… For I know faith and love have found me, and faith and love have set me free.
In as far as the waiting is concerned, I think the mixture of faith and pragmatism is what is most often lived out… but I think we cling to the “practical” too much and too often…
I make a daily effort to be much more rooted in love and faith than in pragmatic thought… I wasted many years of my life being solely practical, years that I will not get back…
I think the best choice we can make is to live a life that celebrates love and faith as a conscious choice. The moments in which a breath of pragmatism is drawn will come for certain… don’t dwell or wait on them for too long… that’s just my opinion.
Tune choice of the day:
“Loves You The Most”
Brett Dennen
So… Tell me about your life…
Where would you begin? Where would your mate? Where would your parents? Where would your friends?
I would like to think that I have a general idea as to where those closest to me would begin…
Sadly, I think several of my friends would start out with an overly glamorized description of their twentieth century invention called a “career” . . .
The well adjusted, “fully aware of the human condition” friends of course would start out with some profound statement of being…
I think some would start out with the “funeral” style description of a life...Here lay so and so, son of so and so...whether tragedy or triumph he did this, then came that, etc… I do not debate that family is tantamount to life, and family may very well be what will define you… so I’m not saying the funeral style description of a life is wrong, rather that is just a possible style to describe one’s life…
Author Anne Lamont tells a great story in her book “Grace Eventually” wherein she tells of an evening she spent with some mentally challenged adults. She participated as a “helper” at a dance which the group of adults held… Anne enjoyed herself, danced and laughed and all while also performing her “helper’ duties… At the end of the evening, an administrator of sorts gathered the adults to thank all of the helpers. One of the adults exuberantly exclaimed that they were all very fond of one particular helper, as she was … a helper… and she danced …
Anne Lamont goes on to say that she wants those words etched on her tombstone, I have to agree that would be high enough praise for me… I too strive to be a helper, and to dance…
The quote with which I started from best I can tell is my own thought… I know it’s very subject to interpretation and debate… The most obvious point of debate being the notion of “waiting” and more specifically the “moments that never come” … As much as I enjoy thinking and discussing love based logics vs. fear based logics, … I feel that this quote pulls from fear alone, maybe different aspects of fear, maybe fear that isn’t without reason or purpoe, but I think they are all fear based nevertheless…
Lets start with a person who is certain that great things will happen for them, but the moments… never come, inevitably this person will be left disappointed, hurt, broken down and full of despair ? ? ? (Faith)
Now let’s think of a person that fears horrible things will happen for them and lurk around every corner of life... This person spends their life afraid, never really living, one foot out the door, full of terror and doubt… ? ? ? (Pragmatism)
Then again, there is also the word “actually”… that brings to mind that maybe we are all missing out on something, as Life is actually happening while we are all waiting… waiting for what is irrelevant as I’m fairly sure at some point in time we’ve all wished or waited our life away for not… what are we waiting on ? ? ?
Thinking about this world and its finiteness in relation to time drive me crazy sometimes… I’m pushing myself more and more to embrace the things in this world that aren’t bound by time and are truly infinite…
Love can and will live forever, I believe that in my heart, soul and bones…
Kindness, generosity and the process of at least trying to become selfless… I believe will also ring out for all time and well beyond this world…
I don’t have anything other than a hope that I can embrace my life and the things I love daily. That I’m involved and engaged in the things that surround me. That I reach out daily for the things I care about the most with both arms… For I know faith and love have found me, and faith and love have set me free.
In as far as the waiting is concerned, I think the mixture of faith and pragmatism is what is most often lived out… but I think we cling to the “practical” too much and too often…
I make a daily effort to be much more rooted in love and faith than in pragmatic thought… I wasted many years of my life being solely practical, years that I will not get back…
I think the best choice we can make is to live a life that celebrates love and faith as a conscious choice. The moments in which a breath of pragmatism is drawn will come for certain… don’t dwell or wait on them for too long… that’s just my opinion.
Tune choice of the day:
“Loves You The Most”
Brett Dennen
Friday, June 12, 2009
I only want to see you smiling…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the incredible power of a smile… A smile can be one of the most simple, sought after and disarming tools in any relationship…If you’ve ever known anyone in your life who can level you with their smile, then most likely your sending quite a few smiles back to them… Obviously, smiling is a chance for reciprocation, but I love the genuine feeling of knowing that someone is smiling back at you for the same reasons you can’t stop smiling at them…
I feel as if I live to see the corners of one particular mouth curl up… I see those teeth, those eyes brighten, and if I’m lucky, I hear the laughter I look for all day come rolling out of that beautiful mouth… I actually feel my soul swell with joy…I lift beyond this world and beyond its translation… it all starts with a smile…
Smiles between people who love one another generally stay quite frequent and powerful, right? I feel another thought of reciprocity coming on… I think it’s safe to say that a healthy relationship has nearly an equal number of smiles passing back and forth from one another… Similarly to what I’ve previously said about couples who hold hands and seem to be engaged in one another while out and about, etc, I would like to think that a couple that finds themselves smiling with one another kindly and frequently allows them to be in a more comfortable position to communicate with one another…
I will avoid bringing in another instance of pop culture, which I’m quite fond of as pertaining to controlling your “smiles and cries” as that’s all we have… maybe later… I’m trying to get off of the movie quote expansions for a while : )
Smiling…You learn that your loved one has 100s of smiles and throughout your life together you’ll find out what all of those smiles intend to infer… You learn the nervous/happy-smile from the “its only 4AM, and I’m quite sleepy-smile”… Figuring the difference between those two smiles most likely isn’t too difficult; However, coming to know someone’s smiles and their body language in general, throughout the course of the relationship, I feel, is a big part of enjoying your daily life together…
I try to ask questions when I feel I could possibly be misinterpreting what I’m seeing or feeling… I hope that if I can communicate my need to understand what I’m seeing/feeling, the relationship will benefit… Those moments of uncertainty can be both heavy and difficult… I feel the uncertainty in smile/lack of smile/body language can be helped with communication… I guess I also fear the need to ask “is something wrong”, “is everything okay”??? I’m learning, I claim to be an expert on nothing…
There is pure joy in recognizing the smiles that leave no room for doubt… I feel those smiles are some of the best reasons to be alive.
Smiles are so simple…Even a baby will flash a smile when they seek affirmation… Speaking of babies, if you think about it… we all started with a smile... when our mothers and fathers eyes first met… In those first few moments how many of them do you think started with a scowl towards one another??? Most likely, we can all trace our existence back to a moment… a moment that contained … two smiles… I think that’s a lovely thought. If our very existence started with just one exchange of smiles, consider the possibility of what the next smile could bring…
Think about the “mock smiles” that we will offer a passer by or stranger… Though still firmly classified as a smile and friendly in nature, that moment in passing isn’t a real smile of joy or happiness… What are we trying to convey with those minor face twitches?… We’ll barely make eye contact, most likely not say a word, but we will break the corners of our mouth just slightly and briefly upward to signify something… I think we are flashing that most meager of smiles to say, “I intend no harm to you, and I very much hope you intend no harm to me “…
Granted… this opens up a very long dialogue of possible discernments on whether or not this “smile” is a reaction from a love based thought or a fear based thought…. My thought is that the action is somewhere in the middle. If we were over taken with fear based logic in those moments of encountering a stranger, we most likely wouldn’t react at all. If we were overtaken with love based logic we’d be doing much more than the little flash half smile thing… I think that brief moment is a type of limbo for our minds and hearts… We don’t know what the passer by’s intentions are, we are merely stating our position… Again, that’s just my thought…
Sometimes all I need and want is an affirming smile. When I know I’ve behaved nervously, borderline badly or been frightened with or without reason, all I want and need is that smile… The smile that says, “Everything will be okay”…
All the things a smile can say, yet another reason to love the smile… This single gesture can send a mood as simple as “I come in peace”, “I… think its time for bed”… or “I love you and I want you in no uncertain terms”… That is a great deal of possibility, from such a simple gesture…
Everyone wants more “smiles” in their relationship. However I think we don’t ask ourselves if we are giving our loved ones enough reasons to want to smile at us…By this I mean… somewhere along the way, we bury ourselves with expectation, labels and take for granted why we fell in love with our mate… I think we have to send those messages of love and thankfulness daily... Prioritize your life accordingly…Remember that first smile, if we can come back to that feeling, maybe problems will shrink before our very eyes…
There are dangers of interpretation and translation with smiles. I think we have to be careful with whom we share our smiles with… By extending that smile we are extending a piece of us…the smile may very well be the determinant of what “piece” we are offering…
Just as much as I hope that there are looks, acts, touches, words, feelings and thoughts reserved only for me in my relationship… I also am hopeful that I’m the one and only recipient of certain smiles…
I know I’ve faced some hard times with heavy feelings in my life, times that I desperately needed a smile… I just knew that those feelings would never subside, that my smile wouldn’t return… I’ve been pleasantly proven wrong about those feelings, as I believe most of us have… How did I overcome those feelings? Whether a smile, or love, time or truth, I don’t care to debate… I follow my heart and offer a smile…
Naturally, there are daily obstacles that need to be overcome, some we get past alone, and some we need help with… Life continues to happen, all around me, all the time and all over me, just as it does for everyone else. Life has to be lived, talked through and thought out… Many times I don’t know where to start… I’ll start with a smile…take a long deep breath and know that everything will be okay… Continue to give love, time and energy and smiles to the people and places you need the most… It’s impossible to make a mistake if we are doing this
Whether the love of your world or the stranger passing by, … we all need that reminder for the first time or for the five hundredth time of any given day…“I intend no harm to you, and I very much hope you intend no harm to me “
Don’t give your smile away to just anyone, but maybe don’t be too stingy with it either…keep in mind how powerful your smile can be… we are all freaking out, act accordingly
: )
Tune Suggestion:
Chatterbox
By David Mead
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the incredible power of a smile… A smile can be one of the most simple, sought after and disarming tools in any relationship…If you’ve ever known anyone in your life who can level you with their smile, then most likely your sending quite a few smiles back to them… Obviously, smiling is a chance for reciprocation, but I love the genuine feeling of knowing that someone is smiling back at you for the same reasons you can’t stop smiling at them…
I feel as if I live to see the corners of one particular mouth curl up… I see those teeth, those eyes brighten, and if I’m lucky, I hear the laughter I look for all day come rolling out of that beautiful mouth… I actually feel my soul swell with joy…I lift beyond this world and beyond its translation… it all starts with a smile…
Smiles between people who love one another generally stay quite frequent and powerful, right? I feel another thought of reciprocity coming on… I think it’s safe to say that a healthy relationship has nearly an equal number of smiles passing back and forth from one another… Similarly to what I’ve previously said about couples who hold hands and seem to be engaged in one another while out and about, etc, I would like to think that a couple that finds themselves smiling with one another kindly and frequently allows them to be in a more comfortable position to communicate with one another…
I will avoid bringing in another instance of pop culture, which I’m quite fond of as pertaining to controlling your “smiles and cries” as that’s all we have… maybe later… I’m trying to get off of the movie quote expansions for a while : )
Smiling…You learn that your loved one has 100s of smiles and throughout your life together you’ll find out what all of those smiles intend to infer… You learn the nervous/happy-smile from the “its only 4AM, and I’m quite sleepy-smile”… Figuring the difference between those two smiles most likely isn’t too difficult; However, coming to know someone’s smiles and their body language in general, throughout the course of the relationship, I feel, is a big part of enjoying your daily life together…
I try to ask questions when I feel I could possibly be misinterpreting what I’m seeing or feeling… I hope that if I can communicate my need to understand what I’m seeing/feeling, the relationship will benefit… Those moments of uncertainty can be both heavy and difficult… I feel the uncertainty in smile/lack of smile/body language can be helped with communication… I guess I also fear the need to ask “is something wrong”, “is everything okay”??? I’m learning, I claim to be an expert on nothing…
There is pure joy in recognizing the smiles that leave no room for doubt… I feel those smiles are some of the best reasons to be alive.
Smiles are so simple…Even a baby will flash a smile when they seek affirmation… Speaking of babies, if you think about it… we all started with a smile... when our mothers and fathers eyes first met… In those first few moments how many of them do you think started with a scowl towards one another??? Most likely, we can all trace our existence back to a moment… a moment that contained … two smiles… I think that’s a lovely thought. If our very existence started with just one exchange of smiles, consider the possibility of what the next smile could bring…
Think about the “mock smiles” that we will offer a passer by or stranger… Though still firmly classified as a smile and friendly in nature, that moment in passing isn’t a real smile of joy or happiness… What are we trying to convey with those minor face twitches?… We’ll barely make eye contact, most likely not say a word, but we will break the corners of our mouth just slightly and briefly upward to signify something… I think we are flashing that most meager of smiles to say, “I intend no harm to you, and I very much hope you intend no harm to me “…
Granted… this opens up a very long dialogue of possible discernments on whether or not this “smile” is a reaction from a love based thought or a fear based thought…. My thought is that the action is somewhere in the middle. If we were over taken with fear based logic in those moments of encountering a stranger, we most likely wouldn’t react at all. If we were overtaken with love based logic we’d be doing much more than the little flash half smile thing… I think that brief moment is a type of limbo for our minds and hearts… We don’t know what the passer by’s intentions are, we are merely stating our position… Again, that’s just my thought…
Sometimes all I need and want is an affirming smile. When I know I’ve behaved nervously, borderline badly or been frightened with or without reason, all I want and need is that smile… The smile that says, “Everything will be okay”…
All the things a smile can say, yet another reason to love the smile… This single gesture can send a mood as simple as “I come in peace”, “I… think its time for bed”… or “I love you and I want you in no uncertain terms”… That is a great deal of possibility, from such a simple gesture…
Everyone wants more “smiles” in their relationship. However I think we don’t ask ourselves if we are giving our loved ones enough reasons to want to smile at us…By this I mean… somewhere along the way, we bury ourselves with expectation, labels and take for granted why we fell in love with our mate… I think we have to send those messages of love and thankfulness daily... Prioritize your life accordingly…Remember that first smile, if we can come back to that feeling, maybe problems will shrink before our very eyes…
There are dangers of interpretation and translation with smiles. I think we have to be careful with whom we share our smiles with… By extending that smile we are extending a piece of us…the smile may very well be the determinant of what “piece” we are offering…
Just as much as I hope that there are looks, acts, touches, words, feelings and thoughts reserved only for me in my relationship… I also am hopeful that I’m the one and only recipient of certain smiles…
I know I’ve faced some hard times with heavy feelings in my life, times that I desperately needed a smile… I just knew that those feelings would never subside, that my smile wouldn’t return… I’ve been pleasantly proven wrong about those feelings, as I believe most of us have… How did I overcome those feelings? Whether a smile, or love, time or truth, I don’t care to debate… I follow my heart and offer a smile…
Naturally, there are daily obstacles that need to be overcome, some we get past alone, and some we need help with… Life continues to happen, all around me, all the time and all over me, just as it does for everyone else. Life has to be lived, talked through and thought out… Many times I don’t know where to start… I’ll start with a smile…take a long deep breath and know that everything will be okay… Continue to give love, time and energy and smiles to the people and places you need the most… It’s impossible to make a mistake if we are doing this
Whether the love of your world or the stranger passing by, … we all need that reminder for the first time or for the five hundredth time of any given day…“I intend no harm to you, and I very much hope you intend no harm to me “
Don’t give your smile away to just anyone, but maybe don’t be too stingy with it either…keep in mind how powerful your smile can be… we are all freaking out, act accordingly
: )
Tune Suggestion:
Chatterbox
By David Mead
Monday, June 1, 2009
Did Freddy Shoop Save Me?
I most likely will never be accused of being extremely well read, however I do think the accusation of being more than slightly “well watched” may be appropriate. I’ve watched many more movies than I’ve read books, I think graduate school beat a great deal of my love for reading out of me…However, I continue to love movies and consider myself a “cinefile” in that I will watch almost anything, and I do love my own cinematic opinions…
I didn’t intend for the previous post and this one to be so much in line with one another in their relationship dynamic flavor, nor the source of the post’s inspiration…
Nevertheless here I go again…
Whenever I have a “movie quote” conversation with someone, my favorite movie quote of all time always takes a great deal of sufferance…I do enjoy “serious” movies with obvious lessons and meaning, but I continue to enjoy finding beautiful writing in unconventional films… The movie is from 1987 and stars Mark Harmon... “Summer School” is the title, Mark Harmon plays teacher Freddy Shoop… I also have to add that I was terrified of Mark Harmon only a year or so before this movie was released, in 1986 he played serial killer, Ted Bundy in “The Deliberate Stranger”, though I had no intentions of ever getting into a strangers VW Bug or joining a sorority… he still frightened me out a quite a bit, I was around 11 years old…
The scene where the dialogue occurs, and gives us our quote displays a near heartbroken and love sick Freddy Shoop sitting on the beach with the perfect dog, “Wondzer Mutt”… He’s sitting there with his dog, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly… As he jams his fingers into the peanut butter, then the jelly, he’ll take a nibble, and then let Wondzer Mutt have a lick or two, then repeat from peanut butter to jelly to Wondzer Mutt and so on and so on… I know, that image alone screams brilliant film!!! Shoop then leans towards Wondzer Mutt and says to him,
“You know what we need Wondzer Mutt, … besides bread”???
“We need someone who’ll appreciate what we have to offer”…
Shoop’s eyes drop momentarily, as if saddened by this statement… He then looks out at the sunset over the ocean and seemingly refills himself with both breath and faith that the possibility for appreciation is all around him… At least, that is my interpretation.
Now, set aside the ridiculous 1980s movie, the totally senseless plot, the bad acting, the mediocre script, set design, cinematography, direction etc….
That line of dialogue between an actor and a dog alone sparked something inside me, even at the age of 11… It’s something I’ve thought of, off and on, for the last 22 years… and more and more as I get older… That notion I feel, is worth exploring…
In my opinion for one to truly understand what they have to offer, is a daily chore… let alone someone else recognizing what we have to offer…? I know there are things I refuse to compromise on, things I’m totally open minded about, and things I’m “mostly in the middle” on… I think we make up our hearts and minds on a great many things earlier on in life than others… Therefore, that slice of understanding “what we have to offer” may come somewhat easier to understand, from an internal perspective... Others, undoubtedly may have trouble recognizing our true mindsets and feelings on any and all subject matter…Not to mention all of the compromise and flexibility that is needed from yourself and from your loved ones, when you decide to entangle two sets of self interests.
Especially on the “mostly in the middle” life issues…. The major issues seem to be easy to recognize in one’s self and in others, not always, but most of the time... We will gravitate towards those with similar “big stuff” sensibilities then we take the time and figure out all other facets of a life with them… The small stuff takes time… maybe all of it does…
All that to say, I feel if we are to truly understand and appreciate what we have to offer and what we bring into a relationship, we have to know what matters to us above all else… We have to let what does not matter… truly slide… We have to daily exercise the control to put our love where it belongs, our energy where it needs to be and our hearts to the only places that deserve them… to focus only our true intentions for our life…
I try to keep learning about myself, I don’t know the best way to do this, I pray, talk to therapists, go to yoga, meditate, drink a lot of wine, self diagnose myself till I’m blue in the face, talk A LOT to the people that know me best, Google myself into hysterics… then I cross analyze all the data and see where the common denominators are… I’m open to suggestions, as I’ve stated before, I need lots of help with my self discovery…
If we are really being honest? How many times in your life have you been terrified for someone to really get to know you? You think to yourself, if this person really gets to know me, there isn’t anyway, they’ll want to be my friend, continue to see me, want to start a life with me, try to love me, etc. Not recognizing what we have to offer is a daily challenge for us all… Don’t think you’re the only one with these thoughts…
The people around you and in your life aren’t perfect; they don’t think they are either…
I try to keep in mind the blessing of possibility…
Try to believe someone when they pay you a complement. Take to heart, and at least for a moment, try to accept that what they are telling you … may be the truth… That there are people in this world that love you beyond measure… That you may very well be their favorite person of all time, and that this time, this person, will do exactly what they say they will…That if you were to crawl into your hole and hide, your loved ones will come to you…
We are not the mistakes we make or that pile of fear and doubt that weigh us down…
Believe that all you are and all you have to offer is far better than you will ever give yourself credit for…
Maybe we finally start to put together that we do have a lot to offer… that we deserve to be appreciated… I still hold the closest to my heart that my most important daily focus should be to love, not to be loved, to hold, not to be held, to appreciate, not to be appreciated… I truly believe that somewhere in the act of giving all of my heart away, is the sole chance for it to return to me...
So... in giving it all away, pick somebody you know you can love like crazy, even if it scares you a little bit… Ask questions all the time, stay up late together, sleep in even later... be kind to one another, put the other first, try to love someone in this world more than you love yourself… Get to know their family, their friends. Look for the passion in their eyes and voice when they talk about their job, their music, their church… Get into what their into, get them into what you’re into… LISTEN TO THEM, give them your time, your heart, your energy… maybe... just maybe you’ll find they to are doing all of these things for you…
If we can extract what is truly important to ourselves and what we truly appreciate, I think we’ll see more clearly what we really want in life, what we want in a partner and what we are willing to compromise… If we are truly blessed we meet someone that we see for the blessing that they are to us. We recognize and are cognizant that this person has realigned our perceptions, and that we do not want this feeling to end...
We see our counterpoint in them…we feel life teeming all around us when they are near…
We let go of that bundle of self interests and entertain the possibility of true appreciation.
Recognizing the blessings of my life keep my heart full. I’m thankful to have someone who I am thankful for a dozen times before my feet ever hit the floor in the morning… I feel I’ll never be able to fully explain all that has filled up in me since I’ve come to know her, to the task of trying to show her and tell her of my thankfulness, I rededicate myself daily and anew…
As far as my skill sets, vulnerabilities, not jumping to conclusions, strengths, weaknesses, what makes me “tick”, what causes me to lose sleep, owning my own stuff, forgiving myself, forgiving others… I’m working on it… just like everyone else. I try to see why I should be appreciated...
As far as recognizing who, what and why I’m appreciative… I try not to be tight lipped with my confessions of love and adoration… I try not to fear; moreover I try to respect the finite nature of our daily lives… I don’t like to walk around thinking this day may be the last, I try not to fill my heart and head with the thought that this may be my last chance to drink a little too much wine, the last time I hold someone I truly love, the last true passion I’ll ever feel… I don’t keep this mindset as my cardinal rule… However these thoughts and feelings enter into my commitment to letting those I appreciate… know how much I appreciate them and all they’ve untangled for me…
In closing on appreciativeness…
When I hurt, I try to stay hurt and not let anger or fear cloud my feelings... For I know my fear will keep me from recognizing what I should be thankful for in my life... When I’m deliriously happy, I don’t let fear knock me back down…If I find myself curious, then I ask my questions, and I (tell all my secrets).. I try not to let myself suffer to long inside the chambers of my own mind…
I’ve found that I love being sweet to someone, and I don’t let the doubts and fears of life in general knock that sweet out of me…
In closing, I know, who and what I’ve come to appreciate, has saved my life…I feel I owe a great debt to those who are dear to me… I will use all of my life to try and show them the love they have given me, and the fullness within my heart...
Here’s to you Freddy Shoop…
Tune of the day
“Fix You”
Coldplay
I most likely will never be accused of being extremely well read, however I do think the accusation of being more than slightly “well watched” may be appropriate. I’ve watched many more movies than I’ve read books, I think graduate school beat a great deal of my love for reading out of me…However, I continue to love movies and consider myself a “cinefile” in that I will watch almost anything, and I do love my own cinematic opinions…
I didn’t intend for the previous post and this one to be so much in line with one another in their relationship dynamic flavor, nor the source of the post’s inspiration…
Nevertheless here I go again…
Whenever I have a “movie quote” conversation with someone, my favorite movie quote of all time always takes a great deal of sufferance…I do enjoy “serious” movies with obvious lessons and meaning, but I continue to enjoy finding beautiful writing in unconventional films… The movie is from 1987 and stars Mark Harmon... “Summer School” is the title, Mark Harmon plays teacher Freddy Shoop… I also have to add that I was terrified of Mark Harmon only a year or so before this movie was released, in 1986 he played serial killer, Ted Bundy in “The Deliberate Stranger”, though I had no intentions of ever getting into a strangers VW Bug or joining a sorority… he still frightened me out a quite a bit, I was around 11 years old…
The scene where the dialogue occurs, and gives us our quote displays a near heartbroken and love sick Freddy Shoop sitting on the beach with the perfect dog, “Wondzer Mutt”… He’s sitting there with his dog, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly… As he jams his fingers into the peanut butter, then the jelly, he’ll take a nibble, and then let Wondzer Mutt have a lick or two, then repeat from peanut butter to jelly to Wondzer Mutt and so on and so on… I know, that image alone screams brilliant film!!! Shoop then leans towards Wondzer Mutt and says to him,
“You know what we need Wondzer Mutt, … besides bread”???
“We need someone who’ll appreciate what we have to offer”…
Shoop’s eyes drop momentarily, as if saddened by this statement… He then looks out at the sunset over the ocean and seemingly refills himself with both breath and faith that the possibility for appreciation is all around him… At least, that is my interpretation.
Now, set aside the ridiculous 1980s movie, the totally senseless plot, the bad acting, the mediocre script, set design, cinematography, direction etc….
That line of dialogue between an actor and a dog alone sparked something inside me, even at the age of 11… It’s something I’ve thought of, off and on, for the last 22 years… and more and more as I get older… That notion I feel, is worth exploring…
In my opinion for one to truly understand what they have to offer, is a daily chore… let alone someone else recognizing what we have to offer…? I know there are things I refuse to compromise on, things I’m totally open minded about, and things I’m “mostly in the middle” on… I think we make up our hearts and minds on a great many things earlier on in life than others… Therefore, that slice of understanding “what we have to offer” may come somewhat easier to understand, from an internal perspective... Others, undoubtedly may have trouble recognizing our true mindsets and feelings on any and all subject matter…Not to mention all of the compromise and flexibility that is needed from yourself and from your loved ones, when you decide to entangle two sets of self interests.
Especially on the “mostly in the middle” life issues…. The major issues seem to be easy to recognize in one’s self and in others, not always, but most of the time... We will gravitate towards those with similar “big stuff” sensibilities then we take the time and figure out all other facets of a life with them… The small stuff takes time… maybe all of it does…
All that to say, I feel if we are to truly understand and appreciate what we have to offer and what we bring into a relationship, we have to know what matters to us above all else… We have to let what does not matter… truly slide… We have to daily exercise the control to put our love where it belongs, our energy where it needs to be and our hearts to the only places that deserve them… to focus only our true intentions for our life…
I try to keep learning about myself, I don’t know the best way to do this, I pray, talk to therapists, go to yoga, meditate, drink a lot of wine, self diagnose myself till I’m blue in the face, talk A LOT to the people that know me best, Google myself into hysterics… then I cross analyze all the data and see where the common denominators are… I’m open to suggestions, as I’ve stated before, I need lots of help with my self discovery…
If we are really being honest? How many times in your life have you been terrified for someone to really get to know you? You think to yourself, if this person really gets to know me, there isn’t anyway, they’ll want to be my friend, continue to see me, want to start a life with me, try to love me, etc. Not recognizing what we have to offer is a daily challenge for us all… Don’t think you’re the only one with these thoughts…
The people around you and in your life aren’t perfect; they don’t think they are either…
I try to keep in mind the blessing of possibility…
Try to believe someone when they pay you a complement. Take to heart, and at least for a moment, try to accept that what they are telling you … may be the truth… That there are people in this world that love you beyond measure… That you may very well be their favorite person of all time, and that this time, this person, will do exactly what they say they will…That if you were to crawl into your hole and hide, your loved ones will come to you…
We are not the mistakes we make or that pile of fear and doubt that weigh us down…
Believe that all you are and all you have to offer is far better than you will ever give yourself credit for…
Maybe we finally start to put together that we do have a lot to offer… that we deserve to be appreciated… I still hold the closest to my heart that my most important daily focus should be to love, not to be loved, to hold, not to be held, to appreciate, not to be appreciated… I truly believe that somewhere in the act of giving all of my heart away, is the sole chance for it to return to me...
So... in giving it all away, pick somebody you know you can love like crazy, even if it scares you a little bit… Ask questions all the time, stay up late together, sleep in even later... be kind to one another, put the other first, try to love someone in this world more than you love yourself… Get to know their family, their friends. Look for the passion in their eyes and voice when they talk about their job, their music, their church… Get into what their into, get them into what you’re into… LISTEN TO THEM, give them your time, your heart, your energy… maybe... just maybe you’ll find they to are doing all of these things for you…
If we can extract what is truly important to ourselves and what we truly appreciate, I think we’ll see more clearly what we really want in life, what we want in a partner and what we are willing to compromise… If we are truly blessed we meet someone that we see for the blessing that they are to us. We recognize and are cognizant that this person has realigned our perceptions, and that we do not want this feeling to end...
We see our counterpoint in them…we feel life teeming all around us when they are near…
We let go of that bundle of self interests and entertain the possibility of true appreciation.
Recognizing the blessings of my life keep my heart full. I’m thankful to have someone who I am thankful for a dozen times before my feet ever hit the floor in the morning… I feel I’ll never be able to fully explain all that has filled up in me since I’ve come to know her, to the task of trying to show her and tell her of my thankfulness, I rededicate myself daily and anew…
As far as my skill sets, vulnerabilities, not jumping to conclusions, strengths, weaknesses, what makes me “tick”, what causes me to lose sleep, owning my own stuff, forgiving myself, forgiving others… I’m working on it… just like everyone else. I try to see why I should be appreciated...
As far as recognizing who, what and why I’m appreciative… I try not to be tight lipped with my confessions of love and adoration… I try not to fear; moreover I try to respect the finite nature of our daily lives… I don’t like to walk around thinking this day may be the last, I try not to fill my heart and head with the thought that this may be my last chance to drink a little too much wine, the last time I hold someone I truly love, the last true passion I’ll ever feel… I don’t keep this mindset as my cardinal rule… However these thoughts and feelings enter into my commitment to letting those I appreciate… know how much I appreciate them and all they’ve untangled for me…
In closing on appreciativeness…
When I hurt, I try to stay hurt and not let anger or fear cloud my feelings... For I know my fear will keep me from recognizing what I should be thankful for in my life... When I’m deliriously happy, I don’t let fear knock me back down…If I find myself curious, then I ask my questions, and I (tell all my secrets).. I try not to let myself suffer to long inside the chambers of my own mind…
I’ve found that I love being sweet to someone, and I don’t let the doubts and fears of life in general knock that sweet out of me…
In closing, I know, who and what I’ve come to appreciate, has saved my life…I feel I owe a great debt to those who are dear to me… I will use all of my life to try and show them the love they have given me, and the fullness within my heart...
Here’s to you Freddy Shoop…
Tune of the day
“Fix You”
Coldplay
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
“Ain't no time two people staring at each other, or standing still, loving both with their eyes are equal. Truth is, someone is chasing someone. That's the way we's built. So, who's chasing”?
This sentence is proof to me that genius can come from some truly awful places… The above quote is from M. Night Shamalyan’s “The Happening”… not a great piece of film to say the least... Nevertheless, well past the point of no return in the film, this thought was brought up by a character of insignificance… The thought has stayed with me quite some time, I continue to dwell on it now and then and have come up with these personal notions and feelings regarding the misplaced gem, found in an unfortunate movie.
First, I don’t agree with the quote completely. I think that it is possible to reach a moment of true and beautiful reciprocity in a relationship…
What are some of the mistakes that keep us from that???
I think a common mistake people make is that once their partnership becomes solidified, whether legally, verbally, blood oath, etc, they feel that “they” will cease to grow change and evolve… As individuals, we grow older, learn valuable lessons, make fresh mistakes, assimilate, evaluate, and continue to churn meaning from experience…
So why would we expect are relationships to remain still and stagnant??? Our relationships grow, change and evolve just as we do, most likely the dynamic of a “you and I” will change much more than the “you” alone...
I’m certainly not saying that we must “redefine the nature of our associations” on a daily basis…. However, I am saying that the human race by and large does a poor job giving our most valuable relationships any “regularly scheduled maintenance”… We speak to our accountants regularly, we take our cars into be serviced, we’ll go well out of our way to insure that we have the absolute best cable package… but more often than not we put our most meaningful relationships on “auto pilot”… ignoring the stressors and changes that we all under go daily…
I’m not talking about some general fact reporting either, it is of the utmost importance that you know how my day went, and that I know how your day went, etc… there is no debating that topic… I’m talking more about taking ultra seriously the thoughts, feelings, wishes and wants of your partner… Being “plugged into” one another isn’t of any real value and use unless you’re communicating these feelings and thoughts to one another…
Growing apart doesn’t have to happen, I think it’s possible to love and grow, evolve and change together… That beautiful reciprocity in a loving monogamous relationship can’t happen… unless it happens every day…
“Staring at each other”… yet another impediment to our beautiful reciprocity is that we stop staring at one another… By this of course I mean to say that we lose balance with one another and forget how in love we “could” be… We lose that moment to moment amazement with life and with one another…
Communicating with one another with constant caring intent, showing up for one another every single day, focusing on loving, not being loved, holding, not being held…. Surely this can help keep us “staring” at our loved one…
Being “obviously together”, I think is another way we should celebrate one another…
If you walk into a crowded restaurant, or church, or shopping mall, observe how many couples you see together who appear to be totally oblivious to one another... No smiles, no laughter, no expression that even somewhat suggests anything close to adoration or an expression of gratitude for the person they are with…
I always feel compelled to meet those who will immediately take this to an ugly extreme… I’m not talking about endless, gratuitous PDAs… Certainly, some PDAs can be healthy and just, some can be excessive and unnecessary, even to the point of being unflattering…
All I’m saying is this… when I see a couple, sitting together, walking along with one another, whether they are 80 years old or teenagers, if they are holding hands, my heart leaps a little bit for them.. THAT IS EFFORT in keeping a connectedness and natural attraction that keeps your partner from becoming your roommate or stranger you go to sleep with… I’ve never seen a survey, but I’d love to start one up… I wonder if couples who hold hands most of the time they can, are happier in their relationship than those that don’t??? I’d be willing to bet that they are.
I only go off on the tangent about holding hands to also add that if we can start with holding hands, maybe keeping the “stare” for one another will feel more natural regardless of time…
Also a very thought provoking notion in the quote about “standing still”… I would imagine, somewhere between courting and the 2.5 kids, you find yourself, with your partner… saying “now what” ??? To that, (yes my expertise is all theoretical at this point), but for my life I would hope to say, at that point, we can fall into one another all over again, the toil of career and raising children will inevitably take time away from you and your partner…
Of course, in a relationship that’s pushing daily for reciprocity, whether no kids or 10 kids you’re making a daily effort and commitment to celebrate and remember that you and your partner are the heart and soul of your family… I would hope very much for my life that whether courting or approaching “standing still” the daily remembrances of the beginning of our life together will be the foremost in both of our thoughts and actions…
Lastly we come to the notion of chasing… This is one of the more simple thoughts to me… Someone may be chasing more at one point than their partner, the degree your able to chase may slow down and speed up as “life” continues to happen around you both… I want to live and believe in the notion that you should always be chasing and never become reticent in your affections for one another…
We must keep chasing; keep making a daily affirmation to make loving choices, for ourselves, for our partners, for our families… I see a strong correlation to chasing and loving; if you really love someone you’ll chase them, how fast for how long is irrelevant, if you truly want them in your life, you’ll never grow tired of the chase…
One of the opening statements I made was that I think that it is possible to reach a moment of true and beautiful reciprocity in a relationship… I think its two people chasing one another around, in varying speeds and at various intervals, as they go through life and all of life’s challenges… together…
Tune of the day:
“Ain’t Gonna Lose You”
By Brett Dennen
This sentence is proof to me that genius can come from some truly awful places… The above quote is from M. Night Shamalyan’s “The Happening”… not a great piece of film to say the least... Nevertheless, well past the point of no return in the film, this thought was brought up by a character of insignificance… The thought has stayed with me quite some time, I continue to dwell on it now and then and have come up with these personal notions and feelings regarding the misplaced gem, found in an unfortunate movie.
First, I don’t agree with the quote completely. I think that it is possible to reach a moment of true and beautiful reciprocity in a relationship…
What are some of the mistakes that keep us from that???
I think a common mistake people make is that once their partnership becomes solidified, whether legally, verbally, blood oath, etc, they feel that “they” will cease to grow change and evolve… As individuals, we grow older, learn valuable lessons, make fresh mistakes, assimilate, evaluate, and continue to churn meaning from experience…
So why would we expect are relationships to remain still and stagnant??? Our relationships grow, change and evolve just as we do, most likely the dynamic of a “you and I” will change much more than the “you” alone...
I’m certainly not saying that we must “redefine the nature of our associations” on a daily basis…. However, I am saying that the human race by and large does a poor job giving our most valuable relationships any “regularly scheduled maintenance”… We speak to our accountants regularly, we take our cars into be serviced, we’ll go well out of our way to insure that we have the absolute best cable package… but more often than not we put our most meaningful relationships on “auto pilot”… ignoring the stressors and changes that we all under go daily…
I’m not talking about some general fact reporting either, it is of the utmost importance that you know how my day went, and that I know how your day went, etc… there is no debating that topic… I’m talking more about taking ultra seriously the thoughts, feelings, wishes and wants of your partner… Being “plugged into” one another isn’t of any real value and use unless you’re communicating these feelings and thoughts to one another…
Growing apart doesn’t have to happen, I think it’s possible to love and grow, evolve and change together… That beautiful reciprocity in a loving monogamous relationship can’t happen… unless it happens every day…
“Staring at each other”… yet another impediment to our beautiful reciprocity is that we stop staring at one another… By this of course I mean to say that we lose balance with one another and forget how in love we “could” be… We lose that moment to moment amazement with life and with one another…
Communicating with one another with constant caring intent, showing up for one another every single day, focusing on loving, not being loved, holding, not being held…. Surely this can help keep us “staring” at our loved one…
Being “obviously together”, I think is another way we should celebrate one another…
If you walk into a crowded restaurant, or church, or shopping mall, observe how many couples you see together who appear to be totally oblivious to one another... No smiles, no laughter, no expression that even somewhat suggests anything close to adoration or an expression of gratitude for the person they are with…
I always feel compelled to meet those who will immediately take this to an ugly extreme… I’m not talking about endless, gratuitous PDAs… Certainly, some PDAs can be healthy and just, some can be excessive and unnecessary, even to the point of being unflattering…
All I’m saying is this… when I see a couple, sitting together, walking along with one another, whether they are 80 years old or teenagers, if they are holding hands, my heart leaps a little bit for them.. THAT IS EFFORT in keeping a connectedness and natural attraction that keeps your partner from becoming your roommate or stranger you go to sleep with… I’ve never seen a survey, but I’d love to start one up… I wonder if couples who hold hands most of the time they can, are happier in their relationship than those that don’t??? I’d be willing to bet that they are.
I only go off on the tangent about holding hands to also add that if we can start with holding hands, maybe keeping the “stare” for one another will feel more natural regardless of time…
Also a very thought provoking notion in the quote about “standing still”… I would imagine, somewhere between courting and the 2.5 kids, you find yourself, with your partner… saying “now what” ??? To that, (yes my expertise is all theoretical at this point), but for my life I would hope to say, at that point, we can fall into one another all over again, the toil of career and raising children will inevitably take time away from you and your partner…
Of course, in a relationship that’s pushing daily for reciprocity, whether no kids or 10 kids you’re making a daily effort and commitment to celebrate and remember that you and your partner are the heart and soul of your family… I would hope very much for my life that whether courting or approaching “standing still” the daily remembrances of the beginning of our life together will be the foremost in both of our thoughts and actions…
Lastly we come to the notion of chasing… This is one of the more simple thoughts to me… Someone may be chasing more at one point than their partner, the degree your able to chase may slow down and speed up as “life” continues to happen around you both… I want to live and believe in the notion that you should always be chasing and never become reticent in your affections for one another…
We must keep chasing; keep making a daily affirmation to make loving choices, for ourselves, for our partners, for our families… I see a strong correlation to chasing and loving; if you really love someone you’ll chase them, how fast for how long is irrelevant, if you truly want them in your life, you’ll never grow tired of the chase…
One of the opening statements I made was that I think that it is possible to reach a moment of true and beautiful reciprocity in a relationship… I think its two people chasing one another around, in varying speeds and at various intervals, as they go through life and all of life’s challenges… together…
Tune of the day:
“Ain’t Gonna Lose You”
By Brett Dennen
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
un·de·bat·a·ble (ŭn'dĭ-bā'tə-bəl) adj. Closed to debate or further discussion: undebatable facts.un'de·bat'a·bly adv.
I’ve found myself doing a great deal of “self censorship” lately… this post isn’t anything new and exciting, moreover it’s my joy in written word, which of course to me, is.. new and exciting… I have a lot of ideas for posts working, yet am unable to bring them to a conclusion … I promise I’m trying to get new ideas and thoughts into “blog” form… please be patient : )
I find myself centering on one wonderful concept… A concept I encourage every soul on this earth to give themselves to, for I feel it’s the best reason to be alive…
“Don’t Be Afraid To Love Someone, Don’t Be Afraid To Let Someone Love You”…
I try now more than ever to live a life that reflects choosing Love Based Logic over Fear Based Logic; this single thought has removed an enormous amount of obstacles for me…
So... take this confession as a “thank you”…
I’ll never be able to fully express myself to this sweet girl, though I do love to try…
She is my favorite person; she’s the best part of every day… These are just a few of my reasons,
This list grows everyday.
You know you’re in love with someone when you’d rather rub their feet and sit on the couch with them than be anywhere else in the whole world… When you feel more at home inside your own heart than you ever thought possible, when you’re thankful… every second of everyday, for all the feelings they helped you find…
You know you’re in love when you start to fantasize about coming home to them every night, or them coming home to you, what now matters most is that “home” is wherever they are…
The thought of them in pajama pants or shorts and t-shirts thrills you as you know they are about to be “still” for a while…You can’t keep your eyes, hands or heart away from them…
You only want to be near them for they make your soul sing…
You know your in love when your daydreams and your sleeping dreams overlap and stay with you everyday, all day… you can’t tell where one stops and the other begins…Your content, to “lose sleep”, just to daydream”…
You start to wonder, if you tried as hard as you can, could you actually keep the sun from coming up, so that the night you have together wouldn’t end…. No matter how hard you try you can’t keep those moments from passing by, you just don’t want them to ever end…
You know your in love when your heart physically tightens up when you have to be away from them, it feels as if a hand closes around your heart and makes a fist, a fist clenched so tightly it shakes… your arms feel so empty… The second you get your eyes to them, your arms back around them, you feel your heart relax, then open and wrap around them along with your arms….
When a baby wants to be picked up and they open and close their hands quickly, their little heats flutter along with their eyes and hands, with their arms out stretched for you…. You know you’re in love when you’ve actually felt your heart, hands and eyes do the very same thing at the sight of your love…
You know you’re in love when your heart swells and nearly bursts everyday with gratitude that your love is in your life. You know you’ve never done anything in your existence to deserve the love you have, but you know you’re willing to prove your worth daily to your loved one and to God that brought your love to you…
You want to show this person, every single day, you want to let your love out, you want to take care of them, for they’ve given meaning to your life that you had no right to expect…
More than anything else in this world I am thankful for who I am today, and for the love and hope I have in my heart…
Thank you so much… sweet, sweet girl…
Tune of the day
“Moodring”
By Paul Thorn
I’ve found myself doing a great deal of “self censorship” lately… this post isn’t anything new and exciting, moreover it’s my joy in written word, which of course to me, is.. new and exciting… I have a lot of ideas for posts working, yet am unable to bring them to a conclusion … I promise I’m trying to get new ideas and thoughts into “blog” form… please be patient : )
I find myself centering on one wonderful concept… A concept I encourage every soul on this earth to give themselves to, for I feel it’s the best reason to be alive…
“Don’t Be Afraid To Love Someone, Don’t Be Afraid To Let Someone Love You”…
I try now more than ever to live a life that reflects choosing Love Based Logic over Fear Based Logic; this single thought has removed an enormous amount of obstacles for me…
So... take this confession as a “thank you”…
I’ll never be able to fully express myself to this sweet girl, though I do love to try…
She is my favorite person; she’s the best part of every day… These are just a few of my reasons,
This list grows everyday.
You know you’re in love with someone when you’d rather rub their feet and sit on the couch with them than be anywhere else in the whole world… When you feel more at home inside your own heart than you ever thought possible, when you’re thankful… every second of everyday, for all the feelings they helped you find…
You know you’re in love when you start to fantasize about coming home to them every night, or them coming home to you, what now matters most is that “home” is wherever they are…
The thought of them in pajama pants or shorts and t-shirts thrills you as you know they are about to be “still” for a while…You can’t keep your eyes, hands or heart away from them…
You only want to be near them for they make your soul sing…
You know your in love when your daydreams and your sleeping dreams overlap and stay with you everyday, all day… you can’t tell where one stops and the other begins…Your content, to “lose sleep”, just to daydream”…
You start to wonder, if you tried as hard as you can, could you actually keep the sun from coming up, so that the night you have together wouldn’t end…. No matter how hard you try you can’t keep those moments from passing by, you just don’t want them to ever end…
You know your in love when your heart physically tightens up when you have to be away from them, it feels as if a hand closes around your heart and makes a fist, a fist clenched so tightly it shakes… your arms feel so empty… The second you get your eyes to them, your arms back around them, you feel your heart relax, then open and wrap around them along with your arms….
When a baby wants to be picked up and they open and close their hands quickly, their little heats flutter along with their eyes and hands, with their arms out stretched for you…. You know you’re in love when you’ve actually felt your heart, hands and eyes do the very same thing at the sight of your love…
You know you’re in love when your heart swells and nearly bursts everyday with gratitude that your love is in your life. You know you’ve never done anything in your existence to deserve the love you have, but you know you’re willing to prove your worth daily to your loved one and to God that brought your love to you…
You want to show this person, every single day, you want to let your love out, you want to take care of them, for they’ve given meaning to your life that you had no right to expect…
More than anything else in this world I am thankful for who I am today, and for the love and hope I have in my heart…
Thank you so much… sweet, sweet girl…
Tune of the day
“Moodring”
By Paul Thorn
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
(I had a dream about walking on a tight rope once, I don’t know if I’ve heard something like this in the past, or how much of it is my own creation… a Google revealed nothing to me… Once upon a time I started writing a short story about “the walker”, but to date, haven’t finished… I know that many people think that metaphors are one of the worst forms of both literary and intellectual expression, to those people, I say BOO ON YOU! If I have one thing in mind with this idea, it’s to try and get someone to think who, what or where they are in this “walk”…
He had traveled the world to put himself to the test. Most often he succeeded, he held onto his failures like others hold onto hope… He wasn’t the world’s most famous tight rope walker; though he did have his moments. He had set unimaginable records, whenever someone told him a walk couldn’t be done, he had to prove them wrong. He made it his moment to moment mission in life to make the impossible… possible… He would always jokingly comment before getting on the tightrope, that he was just, “Going for a walk”,
He loved his life, he loved his family and friends, however, all of his passion was with the wire… With all of his success and all of his accomplishments he still felt the need to better himself and find more challenging walks.
In this search he did find a single incident that forever changed his viewpoint, when his ambitions did, at least, momentarily, exceed his talents…
Once again everyone told him this particular stunt was impossible and that he was a fool for even attempting such a feat. He prepared tirelessly, refused both food and sleep. Upon the day of the feat, high winds and low visibility virtually assured everyone in attendance that the stunt wasn’t going to happen. Not to mention the walk was nearly three times the length of the current world record for distance at that height. The tight rope walker didn’t listen to his counsel and announced that the walk would go on … as planned...
About 50 paces before completion a powerful gust of wind and a wet line caused the walker to fall approximately 380 feet into a waterfall and river that was scattered with rock and tremendous swirling current. The walker surfaced about a mile downstream, he had survived. His injuries included two horrifically broken legs, a broken back and a shattered jaw which required his mouth to be wired shut for 9 months, during which time he was unable to speak. He lay in a bed at a hospital in Peru for nearly 16 months…. After the painful wiring was removed from his jaw, he still needed a few more months to learn to speak again. Nearly a year to the day after his fall he was able to put together this request. “Please, get me to my feet”…
Another year later he did that very thing, he barely spoke during his rehabilitation, when he did he only spoke of “What could have possibly gone wrong”? “How did this happen”, Why did this happen to me” et al…However his eyes grew brighter with every day he gained strength… His family and friends surrounded him with love and kindness. He came to realize that when he was on the wire, his family shared in his excitement, thrill, and love. Of course, his family suffered with him as he continued to suffer, throughout his recovery... Nevertheless, he realized he wasn’t alone, and that he’d never been alone…
Eventually, he no longer questioned the why, what, or how of that day… He only wanted to return to the cliff from which he fell, 400 miles north of Lima… Most thought he only wanted to return to reflect on the tragic event that transpired… Once he started assembling materials and a crew to set up for another attempt at a crossing of these great falls everyone assumed him mad … He assured his family and friends that he was perfectly sane and wanted to do this more than anything else in his life…His loved ones knew how he cared for them, they knew he loved them more than life itself.. Still, he feverishly prepared for at least, one more walk, years after the first attempt nearly claimed his life, the walk that caused him more pain and suffering than he ever thought possible…
The day came and the conditions were nearly identical, low visibility, soaring heights, unpredictable winds, the swirling currents below, the jagged rocks that lined the river’s banks, and mist that immediately wetted the wire which he had now fought nearly 2 and a half years of his life to get back to. As the time came for the crossing, he inched towards the ledge. He realized in those final moments that he felt more alive on the wire, more alive than anywhere else in the world… He was willing to risk himself and all he loved to feel like he felt standing on the wire. He longed for this feeling, all his life. He felt more complete with his life and his love with the feeling of the wire under his feet. He then concluded that;
“Out on the wire is living”… All other time was simply waiting…
He knew one day he would run out of time, he also knew that this feeling was life itself.
The “walk” seemed to be over in the blink of an eye. He successfully accomplished his object. Instead of falling into the river and waterfall below, this time he fell into the arms of his family and friends. In as much as he loved the wire, he knew he had found what he was looking for…
tune of the day
"In Need Of A Miracle"
by New Radicals
He had traveled the world to put himself to the test. Most often he succeeded, he held onto his failures like others hold onto hope… He wasn’t the world’s most famous tight rope walker; though he did have his moments. He had set unimaginable records, whenever someone told him a walk couldn’t be done, he had to prove them wrong. He made it his moment to moment mission in life to make the impossible… possible… He would always jokingly comment before getting on the tightrope, that he was just, “Going for a walk”,
He loved his life, he loved his family and friends, however, all of his passion was with the wire… With all of his success and all of his accomplishments he still felt the need to better himself and find more challenging walks.
In this search he did find a single incident that forever changed his viewpoint, when his ambitions did, at least, momentarily, exceed his talents…
Once again everyone told him this particular stunt was impossible and that he was a fool for even attempting such a feat. He prepared tirelessly, refused both food and sleep. Upon the day of the feat, high winds and low visibility virtually assured everyone in attendance that the stunt wasn’t going to happen. Not to mention the walk was nearly three times the length of the current world record for distance at that height. The tight rope walker didn’t listen to his counsel and announced that the walk would go on … as planned...
About 50 paces before completion a powerful gust of wind and a wet line caused the walker to fall approximately 380 feet into a waterfall and river that was scattered with rock and tremendous swirling current. The walker surfaced about a mile downstream, he had survived. His injuries included two horrifically broken legs, a broken back and a shattered jaw which required his mouth to be wired shut for 9 months, during which time he was unable to speak. He lay in a bed at a hospital in Peru for nearly 16 months…. After the painful wiring was removed from his jaw, he still needed a few more months to learn to speak again. Nearly a year to the day after his fall he was able to put together this request. “Please, get me to my feet”…
Another year later he did that very thing, he barely spoke during his rehabilitation, when he did he only spoke of “What could have possibly gone wrong”? “How did this happen”, Why did this happen to me” et al…However his eyes grew brighter with every day he gained strength… His family and friends surrounded him with love and kindness. He came to realize that when he was on the wire, his family shared in his excitement, thrill, and love. Of course, his family suffered with him as he continued to suffer, throughout his recovery... Nevertheless, he realized he wasn’t alone, and that he’d never been alone…
Eventually, he no longer questioned the why, what, or how of that day… He only wanted to return to the cliff from which he fell, 400 miles north of Lima… Most thought he only wanted to return to reflect on the tragic event that transpired… Once he started assembling materials and a crew to set up for another attempt at a crossing of these great falls everyone assumed him mad … He assured his family and friends that he was perfectly sane and wanted to do this more than anything else in his life…His loved ones knew how he cared for them, they knew he loved them more than life itself.. Still, he feverishly prepared for at least, one more walk, years after the first attempt nearly claimed his life, the walk that caused him more pain and suffering than he ever thought possible…
The day came and the conditions were nearly identical, low visibility, soaring heights, unpredictable winds, the swirling currents below, the jagged rocks that lined the river’s banks, and mist that immediately wetted the wire which he had now fought nearly 2 and a half years of his life to get back to. As the time came for the crossing, he inched towards the ledge. He realized in those final moments that he felt more alive on the wire, more alive than anywhere else in the world… He was willing to risk himself and all he loved to feel like he felt standing on the wire. He longed for this feeling, all his life. He felt more complete with his life and his love with the feeling of the wire under his feet. He then concluded that;
“Out on the wire is living”… All other time was simply waiting…
He knew one day he would run out of time, he also knew that this feeling was life itself.
The “walk” seemed to be over in the blink of an eye. He successfully accomplished his object. Instead of falling into the river and waterfall below, this time he fell into the arms of his family and friends. In as much as he loved the wire, he knew he had found what he was looking for…
tune of the day
"In Need Of A Miracle"
by New Radicals
Friday, May 1, 2009
Due to the request of a dear friend, I’ve opted to post something on an extremely light-hearted note.
I’ve always thought one of the most beautiful and tragic love stories, is the story of the life and inevitable death of the Pop Tart… That being said, I’ve attached a haiku below that honors their commitment, love and the sweet sorrow they know awaits them…
Tight In Our Wrapper
Same Flavor, Same Size, Same Love
I Hope I Go First
I’ve always thought one of the most beautiful and tragic love stories, is the story of the life and inevitable death of the Pop Tart… That being said, I’ve attached a haiku below that honors their commitment, love and the sweet sorrow they know awaits them…
Tight In Our Wrapper
Same Flavor, Same Size, Same Love
I Hope I Go First
Monday, April 27, 2009
(This topic isn’t one I’m crazy about, the “blurb” below is only a tiny fraction of how much I’ve wrote about Ginger and 3-18-1995, maybe more will come, lots of deleting involved with this post, I know that this event has been the strongest defining moment of my life, this day gave me the opportunity to truly cherish love, family, friends and time)
On March 18th 1995 I was involved in an accident. I was traveling home with my teammates; Murray State had just been defeated in the opening round of the NCAA tournament by the North Carolina Tarheels. Murray had led the game by 2 at the half; they went on to lose by 10. The Tarheels made it to the final 4 that year. Murray State played them close, but not close enough…
If MSU had pulled off a victory that day, most likely, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Traveling in a Murray State University van, I and the rest of the Murray State Cheerleaders were headed towards home. Without any warning the tire tread from the driver side rear dislodged. The driver was unable to control the vehicle. The van went into the median after a few sharp swerves. We flipped end over end several times before finally coming to rest on the far shoulder of the far side of the interstate. We came to rest on all four tires. Many of my closest friends were severely injured.
The crash did yield one fatal injury. Ginger Adams wasn’t pronounced dead at the scene, she held on for a few days before finally passing away in the ICU at Vanderbilt Hospital. She never regained consciousness… I still remember the pattern on the dress she was wearing… If I had known the last time I talked to her was going to be the last time…Undoubtedly, I would have thought of something worth saying.
Perhaps, that I knew the world was a far better place with her in it. That she had the ability to light up others, that she seemed to create smiles, laughter and joy. That coming to know her was one of the best experiences of my life, that I was so happy to have come to Murray State University.
Ginger had taken it upon herself to “recruit” me to come to MSU… Ginger was the first college girl I’d ever met. She was bright and energizing. She had a great sense of humor and was one of the most charming people I’ve ever known. I was partnered with Ginger in what was my freshman year with MSU… She was the first to show me around the campus, helped me with registration, she “mother henned” me quite a bit... I became very close to Ginger in a short amount of time. She would have been able to talk the teeth and claws off of a lion; she was warm and disarming… You couldn’t help but let your guard down around her. She’d keep asking questions till you truly felt like talking and opening up.
I don’t want anyone who reads this to ever get the wrong idea…I never kissed Ginger, never held her hand, never asked her on a date; I didn’t have traditional romantic feelings for her. She was kind in a way that can’t be described. Gregarious and open while still somehow seeming to be mysteriously quiet and reserved… She lit up a room, heads would turn, conversations would stop, and people couldn’t get enough of her.
Ginger wanted to be a mother, a wife a teacher; she loved her family with all of her heart… She died, March 24th 1995, four days after my birthday…, I, and several others were left to figure out why we lived…
I know I’m much more than lucky, not just because I didn’t die on the highway that day. I’m much more than lucky because of the perspective I’ve gained through the tragedy of Losing Ginger.
I feel I’ve been given a chance. A chance to live a life worth living. A life with honor, a life that celebrates both love, commitment and time.
I’m constantly afraid I’m not earning the chance I’ve been given. As if, I’m wasting my life, I feel so far behind schedule. I try not to feel this way, sometimes I can’t help it... Losing Ginger taught me not to wait, not to hold back, to be open and honest with your loved ones. Time will run out. You will wish you had one more day, at least I know I will.
I’m so sad I didn’t have more time with Ginger and her family. Although I did not know her very long, I miss her friendship everyday. In the end, one of my greatest fears is that the ambitions I have for my life will far exceed my talents, and in some way I will have not done the gift of my life justice.
Some days I force a smile. Some days a smile finds me and forces me to acknowledge that there is something out there pushing me towards the things I truly need and want in my life.
With all the loss, I know I gained the perspective and passion I have now to love and truly value both life and time…Don’t wait to tell your loved ones how you feel…
Ginger Adams was my friend. I lost her that day… I think of her daily. I wish I were brave enough to be part of her family’s life….
I’ve only told one person, one time, that they remind me of her… The moment may have been wrong; nevertheless I’ve never spoken truer words… She to, is warm and disarming, bright and beautiful… I feel more alive with her in my life… I’m thankful for every second I have with her.
Tune of the day:
“Light In Your Eyes”
Blessid Union of Souls
On March 18th 1995 I was involved in an accident. I was traveling home with my teammates; Murray State had just been defeated in the opening round of the NCAA tournament by the North Carolina Tarheels. Murray had led the game by 2 at the half; they went on to lose by 10. The Tarheels made it to the final 4 that year. Murray State played them close, but not close enough…
If MSU had pulled off a victory that day, most likely, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Traveling in a Murray State University van, I and the rest of the Murray State Cheerleaders were headed towards home. Without any warning the tire tread from the driver side rear dislodged. The driver was unable to control the vehicle. The van went into the median after a few sharp swerves. We flipped end over end several times before finally coming to rest on the far shoulder of the far side of the interstate. We came to rest on all four tires. Many of my closest friends were severely injured.
The crash did yield one fatal injury. Ginger Adams wasn’t pronounced dead at the scene, she held on for a few days before finally passing away in the ICU at Vanderbilt Hospital. She never regained consciousness… I still remember the pattern on the dress she was wearing… If I had known the last time I talked to her was going to be the last time…Undoubtedly, I would have thought of something worth saying.
Perhaps, that I knew the world was a far better place with her in it. That she had the ability to light up others, that she seemed to create smiles, laughter and joy. That coming to know her was one of the best experiences of my life, that I was so happy to have come to Murray State University.
Ginger had taken it upon herself to “recruit” me to come to MSU… Ginger was the first college girl I’d ever met. She was bright and energizing. She had a great sense of humor and was one of the most charming people I’ve ever known. I was partnered with Ginger in what was my freshman year with MSU… She was the first to show me around the campus, helped me with registration, she “mother henned” me quite a bit... I became very close to Ginger in a short amount of time. She would have been able to talk the teeth and claws off of a lion; she was warm and disarming… You couldn’t help but let your guard down around her. She’d keep asking questions till you truly felt like talking and opening up.
I don’t want anyone who reads this to ever get the wrong idea…I never kissed Ginger, never held her hand, never asked her on a date; I didn’t have traditional romantic feelings for her. She was kind in a way that can’t be described. Gregarious and open while still somehow seeming to be mysteriously quiet and reserved… She lit up a room, heads would turn, conversations would stop, and people couldn’t get enough of her.
Ginger wanted to be a mother, a wife a teacher; she loved her family with all of her heart… She died, March 24th 1995, four days after my birthday…, I, and several others were left to figure out why we lived…
I know I’m much more than lucky, not just because I didn’t die on the highway that day. I’m much more than lucky because of the perspective I’ve gained through the tragedy of Losing Ginger.
I feel I’ve been given a chance. A chance to live a life worth living. A life with honor, a life that celebrates both love, commitment and time.
I’m constantly afraid I’m not earning the chance I’ve been given. As if, I’m wasting my life, I feel so far behind schedule. I try not to feel this way, sometimes I can’t help it... Losing Ginger taught me not to wait, not to hold back, to be open and honest with your loved ones. Time will run out. You will wish you had one more day, at least I know I will.
I’m so sad I didn’t have more time with Ginger and her family. Although I did not know her very long, I miss her friendship everyday. In the end, one of my greatest fears is that the ambitions I have for my life will far exceed my talents, and in some way I will have not done the gift of my life justice.
Some days I force a smile. Some days a smile finds me and forces me to acknowledge that there is something out there pushing me towards the things I truly need and want in my life.
With all the loss, I know I gained the perspective and passion I have now to love and truly value both life and time…Don’t wait to tell your loved ones how you feel…
Ginger Adams was my friend. I lost her that day… I think of her daily. I wish I were brave enough to be part of her family’s life….
I’ve only told one person, one time, that they remind me of her… The moment may have been wrong; nevertheless I’ve never spoken truer words… She to, is warm and disarming, bright and beautiful… I feel more alive with her in my life… I’m thankful for every second I have with her.
Tune of the day:
“Light In Your Eyes”
Blessid Union of Souls
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tell Me There’s A Chance
I know you don’t know, what’s coming up ahead
Just like it hurts to leave the house with you still in our bed
Maybe I know enough for me and you
I see way past tomorrow
We’ll beat all the blue
Just…
(Chorus)
Tell me there's a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay
Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real
I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
Please Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay
Just tell me there’s a chance.
Wish I could slow down every second.
Cause I miss you so much
I’m holding on to every kiss, every moment, every touch
If you could look inside my heart,
I know you’d be happy with what you found
The storybook’s about to start
Know that I’ll never let you down
Just
(Chorus)
Tell me there's a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay
Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real
I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
Please Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay
Just tell me there’s a chance.
I don’t want to run you off
Baby, I want you to stay
You’ve been the surprise of my lifetime
You’re the best part of every day
I’ll say this to you now; you’ve brought love back inside of me,
I may not know how we’ll figure it all out
Together- is my only guarantee
Just…
(Chorus)
Tell me there’s a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay
Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real
I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
I Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay
Just tell me there’s a chance.
I know you don’t know, what’s coming up ahead
Just like it hurts to leave the house with you still in our bed
Maybe I know enough for me and you
I see way past tomorrow
We’ll beat all the blue
Just…
(Chorus)
Tell me there's a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay
Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real
I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
Please Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay
Just tell me there’s a chance.
Wish I could slow down every second.
Cause I miss you so much
I’m holding on to every kiss, every moment, every touch
If you could look inside my heart,
I know you’d be happy with what you found
The storybook’s about to start
Know that I’ll never let you down
Just
(Chorus)
Tell me there's a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay
Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real
I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
Please Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay
Just tell me there’s a chance.
I don’t want to run you off
Baby, I want you to stay
You’ve been the surprise of my lifetime
You’re the best part of every day
I’ll say this to you now; you’ve brought love back inside of me,
I may not know how we’ll figure it all out
Together- is my only guarantee
Just…
(Chorus)
Tell me there’s a chance
We’ll find the way
Each day is like our first dance
And
Everything’ll be okay
Not another second, with you not knowing how I feel
Walk with me a little longer
Then you’ll know this is real
I know about all those tears, at night that you cry
My Hard Life’s Gotten Easy, you’re the reason why
I Know That I Need You, I Need You More Everyday
I Want You Closer
In My Arms I Hope You’ll Stay
Just tell me there’s a chance.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
“The world was on fire and no one could save me but you, its strange what desire will make foolish people do”… from Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game”…
I love this song, I’m not sure that the “world is always on fire”, and I think that the most valuable resource of who can save us is ourselves… I do however, agree unequivocally with what Chris Isaak wrote when he said “it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do”… Not a lot of people will try to tie in Chris Isaak and Fyodor Dostoevsky, but here goes… This is what ole Fyodor has to say about foolish people:
“I could not become anything: neither bad nor good, neither a scoundrel nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. And now I am eking out my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything; that only a fool can become something.”
Sounds like Fyodor would support my claim to follow your heart, if we tie both Chris and Fyodor in here; together I think we can make a collaborative push… To truly seek out what we desire and allow ourselves to do foolish things in an effort to be happy… Otherwise, we’re just eking our days out in our corners…
I know I’ve spent plenty of time in my “corner” and I know I’m trying everyday to allow my truest desires to allow me to be totally honest with myself and my loved ones, as I know this is what drives my happiness.
I know I love being crazy about someone. I love remembering every morning, before my feet ever hit the floor, how spectacular it is to truly want and adore someone. You can feel them under your hands long after they’ve gone, taste them on your lips, you talk to them when their not there. They become the voice inside your head, the opinion you can’t live without. This realignment of your perceptions can change your life... You can hardly stand to sit across the table from them at dinner; it just feels too far away… You check your phone 100 times a day, a simple text or email turns into an hours worth of smiling… Sometimes you have to make yourself go to sleep just to stop day dreaming about them, in your dreams you still find them…. and your so pleased that you do… It’s my contention that staying in love like this will be the single most important part of your life on this earth.
I’ve found that most times when anyone will speak passionately about love and how much they adore someone, inevitably there are always nay sayers, who claim that they’ve never been in love, never found anyone worth loving and moreover don’t believe in love at all… I always try to pull the conversation away from love and focus on where they do draw their happiness from, or what they desire… “What people like” is just as important as “What they are like”… Usually after someone shifts their focus from what they feel or don’t feel about love and focus on something that brings them joy, usually there are places people mention that will take you to people who have similar interests and similar likes… Usually these people will admit to having some sort of feeling or connection to these people. However, when we really pin down those who claim they don’t believe in love, I’ve found what they really don’t believe in is following their desires to the point of foolishness...
I’m certainly not saying that love can only happen with “like” creatures, I know that love abounds everywhere, opposites may very well attract, just like Paula told us… I know that there is happiness in the world for everyone. Everybody needs someone. We may very well meet and experience many people who will teach us many lessons. The relationship that holds your heart true is only supposed to work once…One of my deepest fears is that there are people in this world that don’t take their own happiness seriously...
Knowing that you’re a better person because someone has come into your life will energize you… Maybe we are that great person every single day all on our own… I’m not debating that issue here... We’re all beautiful unique snowflakes and that is all good and well. I’m simply saying one of the sweetest moments of my life is the recognition of the feeling that I know I don’t want to live without. Once you’ve truly felt it, you can’t remember how you ever got along without it. I don’t doubt there are those who may read this and have absolutely no clue what I’m talking about... To these people I say this… Try harder. I sat around a long time in my life feeling sorry for myself, waiting for something to happen. I try to be the reason that good things happen to me. Your love and your happiness will not happen by accident.
I know at any given time we are all scared about needing someone… We fear that the second someone knows that we need them, they will one day very soon, use that need against us…Although I may not be thrilled all the time about needing someone, I know in my heart of hearts, I need to need them… I know me; I know that when I’m the most vulnerable, I’m feeling the most alive…
My general philosophy about relationships borrows heavily from ideas of Andy Stanley, senior minister of North Point Community Church. I do believe in a creator, that this world didn’t happen by accident. That my life is a gift, just like everyone else’s. I want to prove my worth to my creator through the relationship with my partner. That everyday I commit and give myself to my mate. Through love and commitment to my family I will prove my worth to my God, prove my worth for the gift of my life… (I’ll most likely write more on this topic later)
Everyday should be spent loving yourself, loving your mate, loving your family and constantly recognizing the gift of one another and of the time you have together. If we can come together in this way… all else in the world will become much simpler.
Tune of the day
“Arms of a Woman” by Amos Lee
I love this song, I’m not sure that the “world is always on fire”, and I think that the most valuable resource of who can save us is ourselves… I do however, agree unequivocally with what Chris Isaak wrote when he said “it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do”… Not a lot of people will try to tie in Chris Isaak and Fyodor Dostoevsky, but here goes… This is what ole Fyodor has to say about foolish people:
“I could not become anything: neither bad nor good, neither a scoundrel nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. And now I am eking out my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything; that only a fool can become something.”
Sounds like Fyodor would support my claim to follow your heart, if we tie both Chris and Fyodor in here; together I think we can make a collaborative push… To truly seek out what we desire and allow ourselves to do foolish things in an effort to be happy… Otherwise, we’re just eking our days out in our corners…
I know I’ve spent plenty of time in my “corner” and I know I’m trying everyday to allow my truest desires to allow me to be totally honest with myself and my loved ones, as I know this is what drives my happiness.
I know I love being crazy about someone. I love remembering every morning, before my feet ever hit the floor, how spectacular it is to truly want and adore someone. You can feel them under your hands long after they’ve gone, taste them on your lips, you talk to them when their not there. They become the voice inside your head, the opinion you can’t live without. This realignment of your perceptions can change your life... You can hardly stand to sit across the table from them at dinner; it just feels too far away… You check your phone 100 times a day, a simple text or email turns into an hours worth of smiling… Sometimes you have to make yourself go to sleep just to stop day dreaming about them, in your dreams you still find them…. and your so pleased that you do… It’s my contention that staying in love like this will be the single most important part of your life on this earth.
I’ve found that most times when anyone will speak passionately about love and how much they adore someone, inevitably there are always nay sayers, who claim that they’ve never been in love, never found anyone worth loving and moreover don’t believe in love at all… I always try to pull the conversation away from love and focus on where they do draw their happiness from, or what they desire… “What people like” is just as important as “What they are like”… Usually after someone shifts their focus from what they feel or don’t feel about love and focus on something that brings them joy, usually there are places people mention that will take you to people who have similar interests and similar likes… Usually these people will admit to having some sort of feeling or connection to these people. However, when we really pin down those who claim they don’t believe in love, I’ve found what they really don’t believe in is following their desires to the point of foolishness...
I’m certainly not saying that love can only happen with “like” creatures, I know that love abounds everywhere, opposites may very well attract, just like Paula told us… I know that there is happiness in the world for everyone. Everybody needs someone. We may very well meet and experience many people who will teach us many lessons. The relationship that holds your heart true is only supposed to work once…One of my deepest fears is that there are people in this world that don’t take their own happiness seriously...
Knowing that you’re a better person because someone has come into your life will energize you… Maybe we are that great person every single day all on our own… I’m not debating that issue here... We’re all beautiful unique snowflakes and that is all good and well. I’m simply saying one of the sweetest moments of my life is the recognition of the feeling that I know I don’t want to live without. Once you’ve truly felt it, you can’t remember how you ever got along without it. I don’t doubt there are those who may read this and have absolutely no clue what I’m talking about... To these people I say this… Try harder. I sat around a long time in my life feeling sorry for myself, waiting for something to happen. I try to be the reason that good things happen to me. Your love and your happiness will not happen by accident.
I know at any given time we are all scared about needing someone… We fear that the second someone knows that we need them, they will one day very soon, use that need against us…Although I may not be thrilled all the time about needing someone, I know in my heart of hearts, I need to need them… I know me; I know that when I’m the most vulnerable, I’m feeling the most alive…
My general philosophy about relationships borrows heavily from ideas of Andy Stanley, senior minister of North Point Community Church. I do believe in a creator, that this world didn’t happen by accident. That my life is a gift, just like everyone else’s. I want to prove my worth to my creator through the relationship with my partner. That everyday I commit and give myself to my mate. Through love and commitment to my family I will prove my worth to my God, prove my worth for the gift of my life… (I’ll most likely write more on this topic later)
Everyday should be spent loving yourself, loving your mate, loving your family and constantly recognizing the gift of one another and of the time you have together. If we can come together in this way… all else in the world will become much simpler.
Tune of the day
“Arms of a Woman” by Amos Lee
Friday, April 10, 2009
“We're all reading From the same book, Were just on different pages,
So go tell Lois Lane There's no Superman, Don't think Mickey Mouse
Is waiting down at Disneyland, It's not a church If it's just got a steeple, Just look inside It's all about people”
From Paul Thorn’s “All About People”
I’ve been thinking a great deal about the people who have influenced me the most in my life… Maybe even more so, I’ve been wondering what kind of meaning I’ve left with others over the years, and in turn the meanings they’ve helped me come to. Moreover, I believe I’m ashamed at a great many things I’ve done and how badly I’ve treated both friends and strangers. I’d also agree that there are both strangers and friends who are ashamed of what they’ve done to me… Keep in mind, “ashamed” is a very subjective term…
Whether good or bad, with love or with pain you don’t have to spend a great deal of time with someone for them to leave an impression on you. Maybe they open your eyes, jade you, change your taste in music, switch you from coffee to tea or alter your perceptions in what could be 1000s of ways… People come in and out of your lives constantly, casual friends, co workers, your buddies at the gym, the couple next door, etc…
What is the main determinant for these people to have the chance to interfere with your serenity??? Of course, I say that jokingly, we most always assume that these people are going to trespass on our well-being and somehow stomp on our happiness… However, I’m trying to keep myself comfortable with the concept that, a stranger can become much more than a stranger in a very short amount of time….for better or for worse, that kindness can come from anywhere, just as pain can come from anywhere.
If you come upon two strangers in an ally, one tries to mug you, the other leaps into your defense, one is a hero, one could possibly be a figure of fear in your life forever… However, the strangers in the ally both turned into “more than strangers” nearly immediately. I realize this example is fantastically sensationalized; however my point with the analogy is this. The impact on our well being from strangers or from long time trusted sources can be just as fast, just as strong and be either positive or negative and be just as meaningful. The lessons can be learned from either source.
Someone can become much more than a stranger quickly, and someone you’ve known for your entire life can disappoint you in a way that is beyond belief. I think its is our natural distrust of “strangers”, that holds us back from doing more for our families, extended families, friends, co-workers and communities. After all, aren’t they all practically strangers?
Those who really damage us, or love us, or both, carry an impact greater than the impact of a stranger or casual acquaintance... We’ll never get that person out of our soul, for better or worse. Having this person in your heart and soul doesn’t have to be a constant burden… Maybe they’ve hurt and betrayed us beyond comprehension; the pain came out of nowhere. You didn’t see it coming… I’ve been there… You will forever walk around with that person as a defining part of who you are... That person has altered the make up of your heart, your trust, your love, your reasoning, your logic…Do we walk around with that person on our mind? Of course. In our heart? Of course... Its way too simple for me to say, “Just remember every person you meet is going to be a lesson learned, you just don’t know which lesson”… That’s way too simple and kind of makes me gag… I think to put it more in terms and analogy of my real thoughts would be this…
Pain that will forever alter your life can come from any direction at any time from anyone, it will blind side you on some random, idle Tuesday…
What we have to remember, hold dear to our heart and embrace with our soul completely is that love can blind side us to. A stranger can become much more than a stranger, you can be swept off your feet. Your perceptions redefined. Your priorities drastically rearranged. Your life can change for the better, just as fast and just as much as you once thought your life was made worse. Broken turns to beautiful just as fast as beautiful to broken…
The nature of our association with this world is constantly changing… until we decide to slow something or someone down with us… The tension between positive and negative furies is also constant. Fear shows the path to a negative outcome; Love… the path towards the positive outcome. Naturally, it’s not that simple. Unfortunately, the choice to follow a path of love, of positive energy, of hope and faith takes an enormous amount of courage. You must watch over your own heart, your family and your loved ones. You must have a zero tolerance policy with those who would be frivolous with your heart, I don’t know any other way.
I know a great deal of what I’ve written sounds absurd, and there are those that’ll think I’m a total fool, not just with this post but the majority of all I have to say… I don’t like to spend a great deal of energy refuting or debating the choice one has to make regarding their dispositions towards love, karma, faith, hope, God or striving for an ideal. I’ll say this and this only. Life is all about choices. I choose to move towards love daily. I pray, I hope, I wish… I move towards the light. I seek out loved ones and laughter. I want to fill a home with joy, a bed with passion and a life with commitment.
There have been many times in my life when I just didn’t want to play anymore. I knew that I was always going to be sad, always be broken, and I’d never find solace in this world. I realized more and more that I surrounded myself with energy vampires, mindless activities, participated in destructive behaviors and then wondered why I didn’t feel inspired… I made a choice. A choice towards love, towards hope, towards possibility. Towards a world of abundant love and resources.
I will try daily for a few less strangers and a few more friends. Love based logic, not fear based logic. I will try to hold on to the hope that I can be pleasantly surprised by what this world has in store for me everyday. The very kindness that saves me very well may come from a stranger. The love of your life is no further from you than the courage of your own heart.
Tune of the day, the aforementioned
“All About People”
By the Great Paul Thorn
So go tell Lois Lane There's no Superman, Don't think Mickey Mouse
Is waiting down at Disneyland, It's not a church If it's just got a steeple, Just look inside It's all about people”
From Paul Thorn’s “All About People”
I’ve been thinking a great deal about the people who have influenced me the most in my life… Maybe even more so, I’ve been wondering what kind of meaning I’ve left with others over the years, and in turn the meanings they’ve helped me come to. Moreover, I believe I’m ashamed at a great many things I’ve done and how badly I’ve treated both friends and strangers. I’d also agree that there are both strangers and friends who are ashamed of what they’ve done to me… Keep in mind, “ashamed” is a very subjective term…
Whether good or bad, with love or with pain you don’t have to spend a great deal of time with someone for them to leave an impression on you. Maybe they open your eyes, jade you, change your taste in music, switch you from coffee to tea or alter your perceptions in what could be 1000s of ways… People come in and out of your lives constantly, casual friends, co workers, your buddies at the gym, the couple next door, etc…
What is the main determinant for these people to have the chance to interfere with your serenity??? Of course, I say that jokingly, we most always assume that these people are going to trespass on our well-being and somehow stomp on our happiness… However, I’m trying to keep myself comfortable with the concept that, a stranger can become much more than a stranger in a very short amount of time….for better or for worse, that kindness can come from anywhere, just as pain can come from anywhere.
If you come upon two strangers in an ally, one tries to mug you, the other leaps into your defense, one is a hero, one could possibly be a figure of fear in your life forever… However, the strangers in the ally both turned into “more than strangers” nearly immediately. I realize this example is fantastically sensationalized; however my point with the analogy is this. The impact on our well being from strangers or from long time trusted sources can be just as fast, just as strong and be either positive or negative and be just as meaningful. The lessons can be learned from either source.
Someone can become much more than a stranger quickly, and someone you’ve known for your entire life can disappoint you in a way that is beyond belief. I think its is our natural distrust of “strangers”, that holds us back from doing more for our families, extended families, friends, co-workers and communities. After all, aren’t they all practically strangers?
Those who really damage us, or love us, or both, carry an impact greater than the impact of a stranger or casual acquaintance... We’ll never get that person out of our soul, for better or worse. Having this person in your heart and soul doesn’t have to be a constant burden… Maybe they’ve hurt and betrayed us beyond comprehension; the pain came out of nowhere. You didn’t see it coming… I’ve been there… You will forever walk around with that person as a defining part of who you are... That person has altered the make up of your heart, your trust, your love, your reasoning, your logic…Do we walk around with that person on our mind? Of course. In our heart? Of course... Its way too simple for me to say, “Just remember every person you meet is going to be a lesson learned, you just don’t know which lesson”… That’s way too simple and kind of makes me gag… I think to put it more in terms and analogy of my real thoughts would be this…
Pain that will forever alter your life can come from any direction at any time from anyone, it will blind side you on some random, idle Tuesday…
What we have to remember, hold dear to our heart and embrace with our soul completely is that love can blind side us to. A stranger can become much more than a stranger, you can be swept off your feet. Your perceptions redefined. Your priorities drastically rearranged. Your life can change for the better, just as fast and just as much as you once thought your life was made worse. Broken turns to beautiful just as fast as beautiful to broken…
The nature of our association with this world is constantly changing… until we decide to slow something or someone down with us… The tension between positive and negative furies is also constant. Fear shows the path to a negative outcome; Love… the path towards the positive outcome. Naturally, it’s not that simple. Unfortunately, the choice to follow a path of love, of positive energy, of hope and faith takes an enormous amount of courage. You must watch over your own heart, your family and your loved ones. You must have a zero tolerance policy with those who would be frivolous with your heart, I don’t know any other way.
I know a great deal of what I’ve written sounds absurd, and there are those that’ll think I’m a total fool, not just with this post but the majority of all I have to say… I don’t like to spend a great deal of energy refuting or debating the choice one has to make regarding their dispositions towards love, karma, faith, hope, God or striving for an ideal. I’ll say this and this only. Life is all about choices. I choose to move towards love daily. I pray, I hope, I wish… I move towards the light. I seek out loved ones and laughter. I want to fill a home with joy, a bed with passion and a life with commitment.
There have been many times in my life when I just didn’t want to play anymore. I knew that I was always going to be sad, always be broken, and I’d never find solace in this world. I realized more and more that I surrounded myself with energy vampires, mindless activities, participated in destructive behaviors and then wondered why I didn’t feel inspired… I made a choice. A choice towards love, towards hope, towards possibility. Towards a world of abundant love and resources.
I will try daily for a few less strangers and a few more friends. Love based logic, not fear based logic. I will try to hold on to the hope that I can be pleasantly surprised by what this world has in store for me everyday. The very kindness that saves me very well may come from a stranger. The love of your life is no further from you than the courage of your own heart.
Tune of the day, the aforementioned
“All About People”
By the Great Paul Thorn
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Seeking first to understand, just something I stole from the Buddhists, nevertheless I try to apply that principle everyday in my life. Yet, everyday, I know I fail in the application of this principle. I make judgments, jump to conclusions and try to hold onto some sort of totally fucked up notion, that just because I grasp the concept of the human condition, I then… must have a grasp on human suffering… Not the case. I’m trying… this much I know… I know I’ve suffered, that others suffer, and that suffering may very well be a constant in this world. I also know that suffering isn’t something you have to go through alone… Healing??? Maybe, but not the suffering… I’m not talking about “joyfully participating in the suffering of the world” I’m talking more about recognizing the suffering that is around you, not giving up hope, that love will prevail and knowing that you can help lessen that suffering.
I know I’m trapped in my own perceptions, just like the rest of us. I know there is pain in this world that I haven’t endured. Therefore I can’t always say, “I know how you feel”, to every instance of pain I become aware of. I may not know how you hurt, but I can be cognizant of that hurt. I can give my time, my energy, and my love to someone that is hurting…Being there, listening, being patient, loving someone… that is the only thing I know to do… Someone please tell me if I’m lost with this notion…
You cannot talk someone out of there pain, you can’t buy your way into their heart. There is nothing you can write or say to totally diminish their pain...No one likes to feel as if they can’t help someone they care about, this feeling of helplessness can drive you crazy… that’s coming from crazy himself…
Trust is one of the most precious things in this world, once its been taken from you, you just know that its never coming back, … that’s how I felt once upon a time…
Though I’ve had both trouble with and trouble loving women, I know I still want to love a woman. I may have trouble trusting people, but I will trust a person. I have had serious problems and doubts with religion but I still love God, trust God and I know God loves me…
With time and a deeper exploration of who I am, what I want and what I need, I’ve seen both trust and love return in my life. I love the irony of saying that I’ve had a great deal of help with all of this self discovery… I’ve been much more than lucky in my life…with my friendships and relationships… However it’s my contention that the deepest “seeking first to understand”, should most likely be directed inward…
In learning not to trust people, somehow I still want to love and trust a person. In discovering some of the things I don’t like about religion, I am able to see God’s love for me everywhere… In learning more about me, I’ve given myself a great chance to truly love others.
I’ve written about the “list” before… sit yourself down and make a list of the most important things to you in this world. If you can actually make a list, you are already better off than many... If in your top 5 or so you have 1 or 2 of these things I pray your heart is full of gratitude…
Time marches on.
Love is the biggest thing there is.
Love yourself.
Make your list and seek it out.
Everybody needs somebody.
The kindest voice you should hear all day is that of your own…
Tune of the day:
“Crazy” by
KC & Jojo
I know I’m trapped in my own perceptions, just like the rest of us. I know there is pain in this world that I haven’t endured. Therefore I can’t always say, “I know how you feel”, to every instance of pain I become aware of. I may not know how you hurt, but I can be cognizant of that hurt. I can give my time, my energy, and my love to someone that is hurting…Being there, listening, being patient, loving someone… that is the only thing I know to do… Someone please tell me if I’m lost with this notion…
You cannot talk someone out of there pain, you can’t buy your way into their heart. There is nothing you can write or say to totally diminish their pain...No one likes to feel as if they can’t help someone they care about, this feeling of helplessness can drive you crazy… that’s coming from crazy himself…
Trust is one of the most precious things in this world, once its been taken from you, you just know that its never coming back, … that’s how I felt once upon a time…
Though I’ve had both trouble with and trouble loving women, I know I still want to love a woman. I may have trouble trusting people, but I will trust a person. I have had serious problems and doubts with religion but I still love God, trust God and I know God loves me…
With time and a deeper exploration of who I am, what I want and what I need, I’ve seen both trust and love return in my life. I love the irony of saying that I’ve had a great deal of help with all of this self discovery… I’ve been much more than lucky in my life…with my friendships and relationships… However it’s my contention that the deepest “seeking first to understand”, should most likely be directed inward…
In learning not to trust people, somehow I still want to love and trust a person. In discovering some of the things I don’t like about religion, I am able to see God’s love for me everywhere… In learning more about me, I’ve given myself a great chance to truly love others.
I’ve written about the “list” before… sit yourself down and make a list of the most important things to you in this world. If you can actually make a list, you are already better off than many... If in your top 5 or so you have 1 or 2 of these things I pray your heart is full of gratitude…
Time marches on.
Love is the biggest thing there is.
Love yourself.
Make your list and seek it out.
Everybody needs somebody.
The kindest voice you should hear all day is that of your own…
Tune of the day:
“Crazy” by
KC & Jojo
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