Monday, September 28, 2009
I've been thinking a great deal about the Tin Woodman from the Wizard of Oz…
How random is that ???
What advice would you give to him, upon receipt of his new heart ?
Ode to the Tin Woodman…
You asked with your entire muster, the one thing you wanted to become true…
All that was missing inside you, blood in your veins, but nothing to pump it through…
All you ever wanted and all you ever wanted to feel inside
Was a feeling in your chest and a smile that you can’t hide
You’ll find with this new item, it does much more than merely tick…
Be careful with those you let near it, The skins just not so thick…
Not to say that it’s made to be broken; it can endure more than you’ll ever know…
Time attempts to put asunder your love… and letting go…
Seek out the melody of enamor, this symphony will beat slow and beat fast…
If you’re lucky the counterpoint seeks you also, if your lucky more, your luck will last…
There is no solace in fretting, be scrupulous, but don’t dwell on mistakes you may make…
The true sorrow is in the knowing… of the chances you didn’t take…
Maybe if you know, you know this from the start…
Your heart outlasts forever…
Even if… Once Upon A Time… it were to fall apart…
How random is that ???
What advice would you give to him, upon receipt of his new heart ?
Ode to the Tin Woodman…
You asked with your entire muster, the one thing you wanted to become true…
All that was missing inside you, blood in your veins, but nothing to pump it through…
All you ever wanted and all you ever wanted to feel inside
Was a feeling in your chest and a smile that you can’t hide
You’ll find with this new item, it does much more than merely tick…
Be careful with those you let near it, The skins just not so thick…
Not to say that it’s made to be broken; it can endure more than you’ll ever know…
Time attempts to put asunder your love… and letting go…
Seek out the melody of enamor, this symphony will beat slow and beat fast…
If you’re lucky the counterpoint seeks you also, if your lucky more, your luck will last…
There is no solace in fretting, be scrupulous, but don’t dwell on mistakes you may make…
The true sorrow is in the knowing… of the chances you didn’t take…
Maybe if you know, you know this from the start…
Your heart outlasts forever…
Even if… Once Upon A Time… it were to fall apart…
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
While currently reading “Fearless”… I find myself thinking of some of my favorite snapshots of what being afraid can look like, sound like or feel like… and I do love finding some “depth” in unconventional places… From The Shawshank Redemption…
What was Brooks really afraid of ???
Brooks: [narrating] Dear fellas, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer". And a job bagging groceries at the Foodway. It's hard work and I try to keep up but my hands hurt most of the time. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. Sometimes after work I go to the park and feed the birds. I keep thinking Jake might just show up and say hello. But he never does. I hope wherever he is he's okay and makin' new friends. I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should get me a gun, an, an rob the Foodway so they'd send me home. I could shoot the manager while I was at it, sort of like a bonus. I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense anymore. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old crook like me.[carves "Brooks was here" into wood. Admires his work for a moment. Then kicks out the table beneath him and hangs himself]
What was Brooks really afraid of ???
Brooks: [narrating] Dear fellas, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer". And a job bagging groceries at the Foodway. It's hard work and I try to keep up but my hands hurt most of the time. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. Sometimes after work I go to the park and feed the birds. I keep thinking Jake might just show up and say hello. But he never does. I hope wherever he is he's okay and makin' new friends. I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should get me a gun, an, an rob the Foodway so they'd send me home. I could shoot the manager while I was at it, sort of like a bonus. I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense anymore. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old crook like me.[carves "Brooks was here" into wood. Admires his work for a moment. Then kicks out the table beneath him and hangs himself]
Monday, September 21, 2009
One of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up like my parents.
Both of my parents are alone, unhappy and have lost all interest in salvaging a life that reaches for happiness… They’ve given up on the chance for happiness… I suppose that’s putting it very “matter of factly”; I guess I just can’t see the evidence of any effort on their parts… It’s quite paradoxical to think that your Mother is actually… just a woman… and you’re Father, just a man… I know they’d both refute my claim of their surrender to being unhappy… I guess I just wish they’d try harder... or I knew how to help… or both : )
When I’m around my Mom, I feel the heaviness of her pain and it breaks my heart. Every time.
Why did they end up the way they did ? Or is it more important to ask why do they reaffirm daily that it’s too late to change the ending??? Isn’t it possible that tomorrow very well could be the day they turn it all around? Or start to believe that they can change their ending? and push towards a life that believes in the chance for happiness?
I feel that if I believe that the chance for happiness exists, then through love, patience, effort and time, the life I want is possible…The obstacles will be constant and at times seem insurmountable… I can choose either fear, or faith…
I digress… back to my fear of ending up like my parents…
I think sometimes when I arrive to my house that I am well on my way to ending up… just like them… Sometimes I pause in the driveway, I sit, still in my car, ignition off … I draw a long deep breath, fight off the slab of heartache from sliding over me completely… I try to swallow down whatever fear I’ve mustered up in the few moments I’ve been sitting there I tell myself I’m not like them… I inhale hope and exhale faith…
If life is all about choices, a choice for love, for patience, with effort for the things you want... that accepts the peace and sting of time… in the end I know I’ll have no one to blame other than myself if I give into fear, doubt and despair…
I’ve not given up on my parent’s chance for happiness… Maybe somewhere in my fear of my parent’s loss of a chance for happiness, I can truly find the one thing for myself and for my parents that will make all the difference…
Both of my parents are alone, unhappy and have lost all interest in salvaging a life that reaches for happiness… They’ve given up on the chance for happiness… I suppose that’s putting it very “matter of factly”; I guess I just can’t see the evidence of any effort on their parts… It’s quite paradoxical to think that your Mother is actually… just a woman… and you’re Father, just a man… I know they’d both refute my claim of their surrender to being unhappy… I guess I just wish they’d try harder... or I knew how to help… or both : )
When I’m around my Mom, I feel the heaviness of her pain and it breaks my heart. Every time.
Why did they end up the way they did ? Or is it more important to ask why do they reaffirm daily that it’s too late to change the ending??? Isn’t it possible that tomorrow very well could be the day they turn it all around? Or start to believe that they can change their ending? and push towards a life that believes in the chance for happiness?
I feel that if I believe that the chance for happiness exists, then through love, patience, effort and time, the life I want is possible…The obstacles will be constant and at times seem insurmountable… I can choose either fear, or faith…
I digress… back to my fear of ending up like my parents…
I think sometimes when I arrive to my house that I am well on my way to ending up… just like them… Sometimes I pause in the driveway, I sit, still in my car, ignition off … I draw a long deep breath, fight off the slab of heartache from sliding over me completely… I try to swallow down whatever fear I’ve mustered up in the few moments I’ve been sitting there I tell myself I’m not like them… I inhale hope and exhale faith…
If life is all about choices, a choice for love, for patience, with effort for the things you want... that accepts the peace and sting of time… in the end I know I’ll have no one to blame other than myself if I give into fear, doubt and despair…
I’ve not given up on my parent’s chance for happiness… Maybe somewhere in my fear of my parent’s loss of a chance for happiness, I can truly find the one thing for myself and for my parents that will make all the difference…
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I started thinking sometime in my late twenties about how a human being assimilates, processes and stores emotional pain… with the comparison of the human body and how it reacts to physical pain…
The human body…will bleed when cut too deep, bones break and our bodies tell us when we have an obvious breaking point.. We pass out when overcome with pain, our bodies simply say “no mas” the brain sends a signal to the body to shut down… and that is that… the pain ceases. More important of distinction, our bodies are almost all like this… sure, pain thresholds vary.. But when enough is enough, our brain shuts it down…almost as if we are hard wired with some sort of “guideline limit” with processing physical pain...
Our hearts on the other hand can undergo years and years of torment and trauma… and liken to a pain threshold; we have some differences in how much we can take…
Some of us will end a relationship, make a hard decision, leave a job, check into a mental hospital, etc, where others will simply stay put and stay miserable… They endure and accept the pain and say farewell to happiness…I think we all know at least one person who we know is morbidly depressed, and will do nothing to improve their situation.
Why?
Are we as human beings these finite, bounded, limited, circumscribed and restricted vessels that can only hold so much??? If I take this possibility, I paint with the somber tones that, I can only love so much, live so long, feel so much, and either endure or overcome only a certain amount of meaning in my life… regardless of my experiences…
Or
Are we as human beings measureless? Are our hearts, our love, and our possibilities to overcome boundless, without limit, vast and infinite??? I feel that’s precisely what we are… We are all uncomfortable with how much potential we have and how much opportunity lay before us… …. I read somewhere once that we are all uncomfortable with how much God loves us… as if in some way we feel as if we don’t deserve it…
I think the point I want to make is simply this;
We have to make room for the good stuff. Everyday. It’s not a matter of forgetting what we go through. I know I need to accept that my pain, my mistakes, my trespasses and all else brought me to this point. I know I can do nothing for my beginning, but I can and will control the direction of my ending…
The only thing limited to us that matters in this world is time… Love abounds, the power of your heart is measureless… don’t let anyone tell you its not. We are not only the abuse we’ve suffered, the things we’ve done or had done to us…If you are withholding forgiveness… give it, not so that the other party can walk away… Grant forgiveness so that you may walk forward. If you seek forgiveness do what you need to do to get your grief, guilt or heavy feelings to a more manageable place….
Make room for the good stuff…
Don’t wait too long…
The human body…will bleed when cut too deep, bones break and our bodies tell us when we have an obvious breaking point.. We pass out when overcome with pain, our bodies simply say “no mas” the brain sends a signal to the body to shut down… and that is that… the pain ceases. More important of distinction, our bodies are almost all like this… sure, pain thresholds vary.. But when enough is enough, our brain shuts it down…almost as if we are hard wired with some sort of “guideline limit” with processing physical pain...
Our hearts on the other hand can undergo years and years of torment and trauma… and liken to a pain threshold; we have some differences in how much we can take…
Some of us will end a relationship, make a hard decision, leave a job, check into a mental hospital, etc, where others will simply stay put and stay miserable… They endure and accept the pain and say farewell to happiness…I think we all know at least one person who we know is morbidly depressed, and will do nothing to improve their situation.
Why?
Are we as human beings these finite, bounded, limited, circumscribed and restricted vessels that can only hold so much??? If I take this possibility, I paint with the somber tones that, I can only love so much, live so long, feel so much, and either endure or overcome only a certain amount of meaning in my life… regardless of my experiences…
Or
Are we as human beings measureless? Are our hearts, our love, and our possibilities to overcome boundless, without limit, vast and infinite??? I feel that’s precisely what we are… We are all uncomfortable with how much potential we have and how much opportunity lay before us… …. I read somewhere once that we are all uncomfortable with how much God loves us… as if in some way we feel as if we don’t deserve it…
I think the point I want to make is simply this;
We have to make room for the good stuff. Everyday. It’s not a matter of forgetting what we go through. I know I need to accept that my pain, my mistakes, my trespasses and all else brought me to this point. I know I can do nothing for my beginning, but I can and will control the direction of my ending…
The only thing limited to us that matters in this world is time… Love abounds, the power of your heart is measureless… don’t let anyone tell you its not. We are not only the abuse we’ve suffered, the things we’ve done or had done to us…If you are withholding forgiveness… give it, not so that the other party can walk away… Grant forgiveness so that you may walk forward. If you seek forgiveness do what you need to do to get your grief, guilt or heavy feelings to a more manageable place….
Make room for the good stuff…
Don’t wait too long…
this song will always remind me...
"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you"
The Luckiest
By Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belongThat I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you"
The Luckiest
By Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belongThat I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Hello out there to anyone who's been following... I know I'm well delinquent with putting up some new thoughts... I'll get something posted very soon, most of my writing as of late as stayed in the confines of a hand written journal... I've always enjoyed both writing "out loud" and only to myself... however, more and more as of late, I've found some solace in suppressive "internal only" dialogue with a pen and paper... I think only to make sure the things I am trying to get out there in the world are well thought through... and said, to those who matter the most to me, the proper way so.. all that to say, I'll get something posted soon... I've gotten some really nice comments, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness...
joy abounds, as long as you make room for it...
joy abounds, as long as you make room for it...
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