I figure most times your life passes you by while you’re making grand plans for it... inevitably; my planning is usually met with what I swear I can actually hear sometimes as God’s audible belly laughter...

So much for announcing your plans.


On a black and white TV back in grammar school
I was watching Neal Armstrong walking on the moon
That same day I pretended I was an astronaut
On the playground monkey bars I flew above the stars

I was in a Dallas disco the night John Lennon died
The DJ played Imagine and everybody cried
I remember a thousand lighters held up in our hands
All we were saying was let’s give peace a chance

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me

Every 20,000 years that comet lights up the night
On a blanket we watched it sail across the sky
A moment like that comes just once in life
It felt like our first time at 11:35

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me

I remember when I met you
The taste of our first kiss
I remember your goodbye
Could you tell me this?

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me ?

“Where Was I”
By Paul Thorn.

Everytime I watch this movie I lose more faith in people... maybe I should stop watching it...



Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you still love?
Alice: Nope.

From:
Closer (2004/I) More at IMDbPro »
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0376541/

Sometimes I think that my ancestors are laughing at me… I never knew my grandfathers, and painfully estranged from my father I’ve often thought that I missed out on some much needed advice… as the generations pass, something needs to get handed down…

When I think about the time in which I live from a societal point of view… Its amazing how much more complicated we live…

For instance my grandfather’s grandfaher, had a hand to mouth existence, he hunted, gathered… he then found a mate, they then hunted, planted and gathered together, reproduced (added more worker bees to the hive) then they all hunted, planted, crafted, dwelled and gathered together…

Now sure, there are still a lot of worries there, drought, bear attack, lack of rain, cold winters etc… but there’s no worry of career, no worry about the damage your childhood may have done to you… Your inner monalogue consisted of planting crops, raising livestock, providing shelter and warmth for your family… you never really were presented with the option of being bored… I sit at home with 400 channels, the internet, blu rays, iphone, blackberry, work to do, 7 gyms to go to, a car, malls, movie theaters… and I’m still bored to death…

Do you think your grandfather’s grandfather ever said… “Man I wish I could see my abs” ??? That vanity or need didn’t exist, there wasn’t any advertising to make you feel bad about yourself, you didn’t ever think…. “gee, I really need to work on me”… you were to f’ing busy to worry about anything other than the crops, finding game to consume and your family’s vitality… and the development of that family did not consist of a liberal education from a noteworthy university in the hopes that you could find a nice paying job so you could then go and buy a bunch of shit that you don’t need !!!

Have you ever seen a home that was built in the 1900s to 1940s ??? the size of the closets ? they were tiny closets for a reason, they didn’t collect vintage sneakers, or have three dozen super hero t-shirts, they saw clothing not as decoration for the body’s they toiled over, but rather something to hide the shame of their nudeness… (thanks eve)

I’m really getting way off tangent on what I really want to list today, but I think some of the arguments above frame this nicely…
What would your grandfather’s grandfather say about relationships today ? Considering being self aware really wasn’t a concept anyone could gather then… Now, I’m not saying anything derragatory about the women’s movement, a push for civil rights… that time… had its issues, and maybe we are better off in some ways now..maybe…

What I really am thinking about is the concept of relationship conflict and the thoughts that come up, most importantly the differences that time and space have created…

Now, I’m supposed to go and talk to somebody… what happened to the strong silent type ? I’m supposed to take anti depressants to pep up, sleeping pills to pep down, not turn to alcohol, consult with my HMO about my prescriptions, talk to another therapist, see an actual medical doctor, talk to the HMO again, find out my $150 anti depressants aren’t covered past 30 days, so I have to pay “list price” for the pharmaceutical companys latest “fix it all pill” that most likely is doing irreversible damage to my liver and kidneys, but taken all in effort to save my heart…

So I guess the question I’m asking, is what the hell did my grandfather’s grandfather do if and when his heart ever got broken ? Was there even a conceptualiztion of what heartbreak even is ???


Ok, about the lyrics I’ve listed below, let me say this first and foremost… I think John Mayer is a monumental douche bag… all that to say, he has kind of modernistic viewpoint of heartbreak… wheras, “Lucille’ lists yet another, perhaps more grandfather’s grandfather’s viewpoint…





Lightning strikes
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of waysTo make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love why don't you say so
If you want more love why don't you say so
Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs falling every where
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love why don't you say so
If you want more love why don't you say so
Just say so
How come the only way you know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
But I can't break through it all
It's a heart... heartbreak
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Lets just fix this whole thing now
I swear to god were gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and Ambien you're talking shit again
It's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name
It's heartbreak... heartbreak
It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare

John MayerHeartbreak Warfare lyrics






In a bar in Toledo,
across from the depot,
On a barstool she took off her ring.
I thought I'd get closer
So I walked on over.
I sat down and asked her her name.
When the drinks finally hit her,
She said,"I'm no quitter,
But I finally quit living on dreams.
I'm hungry for laughter,
and here ever after
I'm after whatever the other life brings.
"In the mirror I saw him,
And I closely watched him.
I thought how he looked out of place.
He came to the woman
Who sat there beside me.
He had a strange look on his face.
Now his big hands were calloused,
He looked like a mountain,
For a minute I thought I was dead.
But he started shaking,
His big heart was breaking,
And he turned to the woman and said,
"You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and crops in the field.
I've had some bad times,
lived through some sad times,
this time the hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me,Lucille.
After he left us, I ordered more whiskey.
I thought how she'd made him look small.
From the lights of the barroom to the rented hotel room
We walked without talking at all.
Now she was a beauty, but when she came to me
She must have thought I'd lost my mind.
I couldn't hold her, for the words that he told her
Kept comin' back time after time.
"You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and a crop in the field.
I've had some bad times,
I lived through some sad times,
this time the hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and a crop in the field.
I've had some bad times,
lived through some sad times,
this time the hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me,Lucille.

“Lucille” LyricsKenny Rogers

Waking up every morning and trying to remember who you are is an odd feeling… Not knowing what’s worse, finding yourself or losing yourself, perhaps is odder still…

“I guess I just got lost”… doesn’t quite sum it up, maybe I just got found… At times I feel as if my soul has slipped away from me, like I lost my proverbial “car keys”… I just can seem to get on solid ground… even in my dreams I’m an idiot who knows he’s about to wake up to reality, I’m a cruel joke, even to myself…

Losing Faith, Losing Hope Losing Passion Losing Love… after all this loss, what can you expect to gain…? If I’ve learned anything it’s that expectation that can be the most dangerous…



I don’t know if I can pick up my “crazy heart”, let alone giving anything one more try…


Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with to nothing lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don’t feel like home anymore
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches…Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn’t forget the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers won’t kiss…It’s too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with nothing to lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind


Written by Ryan Bingham and T. Bone Burnett

People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go...







I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

written by trent reznor

Love isn’t a dozen red roses on Valentine’s Day,
Love isn’t a box of chocolate hearts.
Love isn’t a greeting card with someone else’s sweet, soft words.


To me, love is about giving, even when you’re not getting,
A dedication to caring for, not being cared for,
Holding not being held, comforting rather than being comforted.

To truly not be concerned with what your getting back, because and most of all, that even in the darkest moments, you still feel the energy inside your heart, body, mind and soul to care for someone more than ever, when they deserve your energy less than ever…

That’s Love…



Below I’ve listed yet another deeply philosophical piece of pop culture…





From-http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118556/
Addicted to Love (1997)

Maggie: When I was a kid, my father had this dog that started to get all weak and sickly. He takes it to the vet, he examines it and says a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog's butt. The baby maggots have crawled up, now they've started to grow, and eventually they're gonna eat the dog alive from the inside. He says it should be put to sleep, because it's an old dog anyway. But father won't do it. He takes the dog home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots with his finger, one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That's love, Sam.

And I’m alright
Standing in the streetlights here
Is this meant for me
My time on the outside is over
We don’t know how you’re spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn’t here
You see the pictures
But you don’t know their names
Cause love isn’t here
And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
No sympathyWhen shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies
I can see the secrets you don’t show
We don’t know how you’re spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn’t here
You see the pictures
But you don’t know their names
Cause love isn’t here
And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
When - you took something perfect
And painted it red
You take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That’s not a world that I need
You take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That’s not a world that I need
And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it “red”
When - you took something perfect
And painted it red
You took something perfect
And painted it red

Daniel Merriweather - "Red"

Finding out that you weren’t who you thought you were to someone is hard.

Finding out that you never were… is even harder.

The questions “Who am I” and “Where am I going” are a little too broad in scope to even bother to ask, I think a more appropriate question is “Who am I now” ?

If I wasn’t who I thought I was to someone I was so close to, and love so much, how can I trust who I am at all…

Paralyzed in a moment in time, without enough energy to care to hide it from people when they ask “what’s wrong”… I ask myself how it’s possible my instincts failed me so spectacularly.

Self worth may be the most important variable; however, realizing your worth to someone else drastically realigns who you are to yourself.


Finding out that you were “Better as a Memory” … is difficult to live with, regardless of the directions and interpretations you may take away from the lyrics below...




I move on like a sinners prayer
And letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man
Never sure when the truth won't do
And pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man
I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late
Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man

Better as a memory than as your man

“Better as a Memory”
Kenny Chesney

I doubt we’d ever get Alan Jackson and New Radicals together on tour, and they didn’t collaborate on the songs listed below, however the message seems to be same… some points translate across genres very easily : )

Obviously, some would argue that the Alan Jackson song is about heartbreak due to a death... I would counter that, with, when your heart breaks, it can seem like two people have died, no matter whether or not the person is actually still in this world... we can't seem to get past the fact that they are no longer in "our" world... Who inevitibly walks away isn't the same person that walked in...

Physiologically speaking the pain of heartbreak without death, looks just like the grieving process of a sudden death of someone close to you...

Yea, the brain and the heart can agree on something...






You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
as a Monday morning church
The preacher came by Sunday
said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
but I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
and laid it in the ground
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
I still believe in Heaven
and I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love,
girl I don't have a prayer
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
You left your Bible on the dresser so I put it in the drawer

Monday Morning Church
Alan Jackson





I was dancing
With your shadow
Slow down memories hall
I said 'wait have I been seduced and forgotten'
You said 'Baby haven't we all'
Now I don't like crying
Because it only gets me wet
But I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's going to be a long time
And I'm crying like a church on Monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby

Put down your new god
And love me like Sunday again
I was hiding in your bedroom
When I saw him come inside
I can't live in his shadow
Is that where I'm dancing until I die

No I don't light candles
Because they make me see the light

That I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's gonna be a long time
And I'm crying like a church on Monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like Sunday again
There ain't no use trying to stop me

Crying Like a Church on Monday
New Radicals

Naturally, I only pull thoughts to ponder from deeply rooted philosophical, theological and idealistic places.... All that to say, here is a thought from:

The Last Boy Scout (1991)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102266/


Pop culture has a way of hitting home ... I guess I'm just not smart enough to embrace much more...



Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I also believe in cancer.
Jimmy Dix: What, they're both diseases?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, something like that.

you said it Joe:)

The door on the mailbox is rusted shut
The grass in the yard sure has grown up
One of the chains is broken on the front porch swing
I don't know why I came
I guess I had to see it one more time
This little trailer we shared in better times

Way out yonder see those big old black clouds moving
I wish the wind could blow me back in time
those were the days,
I had it made, when you were,
Temporarily forever mine

Did you know your mother still calls me
She's got a special place in her heart for me
I'll always be her favorite son-in-law
She wonders what went wrong
I know time can take this pain away,
But time can't take me back to yesterday

Way out yonder see those big old black clouds moving
I wish the wind could blow me back in time
those were the days,
I had it made, when you were
Temporarily forever mine

You were just Temporarily Forever Mine...

Temporarily forever mine
By Paul Thorn