In a crazily damaged way, I had the most vivid and inexplicable wave of calmness wash over me as I filled with despair while watching a close friend’s recent wedding video…

I’m not saying it is a healthy coping mechanism, nor am I saying I’m anything other than broken… I’m simply saying I inhaled a deep breath of survival.
As I sat there with friends, watching the two in love recite their vows and longing looks, I thought about my own situation of unrequited love and felt the usual pieces of me crumble from the walls of my soul into the long drop of darkness…

I’ve thought often, that the pain was so real to me, because I had no frame of reference…for being as heartbroken as I am now…

Then… it finally occurred to me, I’ve had people throw me away before, I survived…

My own father threw me away like a piece of trash, he hide behind whatever excuses he could, and even to this day, I’ve no clue why he’s done the things he’s done, furthermore, if you were to ask him, he couldn’t tell you anymore today, than he could have the 20 plus years ago he decided I was disposable…

Don’t be surprised when another human being throws you away… Be surprised… and be hopeful that we can still be surprised by human nature… if we can keep this callousness away from our soul… maybe there is a chance…to somehow outsmart this portion of the human condition…

Can I ever believe in love... just like it was ?

*************************************************************************************


I was young and Bon Vivant
Twenty girls ago
When love was born on city nights
Under falling snow
How I played the same charade
Drunk on first hellos
A vagabond dream, hey that was me
Twenty girls ago
I was quick to turn the page
Thirteen girls ago
When love could live on lucky breaks
And favorite episodes
But tempers flared and teeth were bared
Whenever things got slow
Stuck in a rut, pushing my luck
Thirteen girls ago
Others may have measured time
In accolades and dollar signs
I had but one concern
Another year, another love
And the question
Was it me or was it her
Time was running out the door
We signed the lease and bought the rings
Honeymooned in Rome
As pigeons flew one afternoon
I found myself alone
Pining for youth, avoiding the truth
Seven girls ago
Well I was lost, hit the wall
Desperate nights of alcohol
Wondering what I should do
Another year, another love
Never answered
Then at last there was you
Time was turning back again
Just one girl ago
The soft impression of your eyes
My favorite first hello
Now these are days of serenades
Whispered sweet and slow
Believing in love just like it was
Twenty girls ago
Believing in love just like it wasTwenty girls ago

David Mead - Twenty Girls Ago

(I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)

I miss everything there is to miss… I miss physically being close to someone I deeply love and care for… I miss passion, kissing, holding onto one another and making love all over the house…I miss your sweet face, I long for your sweeter smile… I miss hearing what you think about everything… I miss watching bad TV with you… I miss a bed made warmer by two people lying closely with one another, I miss looking out the window, and feeling like a kid waiting for Christmas morning to come…with the thought that your arrival was coming soon… I miss the conversations about the day, being there for the good and bad, nothing quite matches the feeling of being over joyed with some random bit of unexpectedness and truly wanting to share that with someone you care for, in hopes that they will share in your joy with you…and on the other end of that spectrum, having someone to fall into and collapse, when inevitably the clouds of the day enshroud you and all you want to do is quit…I miss you being the voice inside my head…that made me want to be a better human being, for all of the world.
I miss walking into the grocery with you, and even if just for a second, the other shoppers thinking that you were mine…I miss hearing you laugh out loud, nothing has ever brought me more joy than the sound of your laughter, your smile added years to my life, as it was the most powerful medicine for my soul I’ve ever known…I miss getting to find out what color your eyes were going to be when next we’d meet… I miss your plastic cup of wine and I miss every square inch of your beautiful body… I miss so very much breathing you in deeply and kissing your neck… I miss my friend like I miss my own heart,

I miss you, for who, and all that you are, and I always will…

I miss being near you in any and all ways possible… I’ll never learn to not miss you…

A distant second, to all my missing, I miss who I was when we were in one another’s lives… my sweet mother has phrased it best to all those I’ve confided in… she told me she had never seen that gentleness in me, and that seeing you, bring that out in me, made her happier for me than she’d ever been… It is with that same gentleness, that I will always love you…

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________




You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me
I tried to be your brother
You cried and ran for cover
I made a mess, who doesn’t
I did my best but it wasn’t enough
You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me
I’ll give you something you can cry about
One thing you should try it out
Hold a mirror shoulder high
When you’re older look you in the eye
When you’re older look you in the eye
I tried but you tried harder
I lied but you lied smarter
You made me guess who was it
I did my best but it wasn’t enough
You run away
You could turn and stay
But you run away from me
You run away
(I tried to be your brother)
You could turn and stay
(You cried and ran for cover)
But you run away from me
(I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)
But that’s not something to cry about
It’s not something to lie about
You run away
(I tried to be your brother)
You could turn and stay
(You cried and ran for cover)
But you run away from me
(I made a mess, who doesn’t, I did my best but it wasn’t enough)

Barenaked Ladies - You Run Away Lyrics

I celebrated my 34th birthday this past Saturday…

I use “celebrated” as a very loose term… more aptly put, I acknowledged exactly my position in the world with relation to accomplishment and life expectancy...

A few people who care about me gathered at a familiar spot where familiar people can laugh and enjoy too much wine…

To steal a line from Forest Gump… “Somewhere in the middle of all that fun”… a wave of melancholy washed over me and I had this thought…

Hurt attracts Hurt… and maybe that’s just how it has to be… Someone, sometime, somewhere, somehow, for whatever reason has their whole world taken away from them and they find themselves hurting like they never knew possible…

That hurt will inevitably attract more possible paths for hurt to flourish… Personal relationships will suffer, if someone becomes withdrawn. Your outlook and general demeanor towards life suffers to, as you find yourself more and more locked up within the chambers of your own mind…

That kind voice that used to be your inner monologue, now only reminds you that things aren’t getting any better as you continue to drift and drift further from the shore of well-being that was once your home…

There is no tourniquet for the hemorrhage of your broken, bleeding heart…

You miss your love, you miss the comfort of a life you looked forward to, you missed a better “you”… but most of all you miss the last piece of you that still felt alive… as you now live in a world that is best described as overall being… “hollow”

Someone in the cyclical nature of hurt…someone must decide to stop it…


Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters Till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Dont you remember anything I said when i said
Dont fall awayAnd leave me to myself
Dont fall away
And leave love bleeding In my hands
In my hands again
And leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now
I feel contagious
Am I the only place That you' ve left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries
Dont fall away
And leave me to myself
Dont fall away
And leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands
Love lies bleeding
And I wanted
You turned away
You dont remember
But I do
You never even tried
Dont fall away
And leave me to myself
Dont fall awayAnd leave love bleeding
In my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my handsIn my hands again

Fuel - Hemorrage (In My Hands) lyrics

Whoever he is, I hope he makes you laugh… Whoever he is I hope you make him think… Whoever he is, I hope he lets you use his razor…Whoever he is, I hope the sight of him makes you smile… Whoever he is I hope he doesn’t care if the laundry is folded, much less how you choose to fold it, and he’d better fold his fair share himself… Whoever he is, I hope he takes you to dinner while you’re both in lawn mowing clothes… Whoever he is, he’d better be way more than just good to you…Whoever he is; he’d better love you for way more than just remembering people’s birthdays… Whoever he is, he better know he’s holding my favorite person of all time…

Whoever he is, he’d better at an absolute minimum, give you the daily opportunity to be deliriously happy…

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
who else listens and appreciates both Jimmy Wayne and Pink... just me maybe???


Do you remember
The day I turned to you and said I didn't like the way he was looking at you
How he made you laugh
You just couldn't get what I was saying
It was my imagination
So do you believe me now
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
And I knew what I was talking about
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now
I'm kicking myself
For being the one foolish enough giving him the chance to step in my shoes
He was biding his time
When he saw our love was having a moment of weakness
He was there between us
So do you believe me now
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
And I knew what I was talking about
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now
Oh yeah I bet now you see the light
Oh yeah what's the use in being right
When I'm the lonely one tonight
So do you believe me now
I guess I really wasn't that crazy
And I knew what I was talking about
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now
So do you believe me now
Every time the sun goes down
He's the one that's holding you baby
Yeah me I'm missing you way across town
So do you believe me now

Jimmy Wayne – Do You Believe Me Now?

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I don’t mind it
I don’t mind at all
It’s like you’re the swing set
And I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight
The times I’ve cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion’s there
So it’s got to be right Right?
No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to Not love me at all
I don’t mind it I still don’t mind at all
It’s like one of those bad dreams
When you can’t wake up
It’s like you’ve given up
You’ve had enough
But I want more No I won't stop
Because I just know
You’ll come around Right?
No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to Not love me at all
Just don’t stand there and watch me fall
Because I, because I still don’t mind at all
It’s like the way we fight
The times I’ve cried
We come to blows And every night
The passions there So it’s got to be right, Right?
No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all
I don’t believe you

Pink- I Don't Believe You Lyrics

Someone can most certainly shut you out of their life, they can throw you back out into the world on your own, and they can remove themselves completely and totally from your proximity… With them no longer around to look out for you, not around to talk to, to share with, to feel anything with…

I ask myself what am I left with? What is it exactly… that I should have learned from this experience? Where precisely is the meaning which I will draw strength and wisdom from? And why pray tell is the answer taking so long to come to fruition?

Most of all I ask myself this… why can’t I get past myself, and just accept that whatever has happened, has happened for reasons that are outside of my control…

Did I really try as much as I could?

Also, still desperately clinging to the notion to absorb totally the brunt of the relationship’s problems… and in some dark wound lay the question of what is it, whether inside or outside of me, that she wishes was different ?

Somewhere in the madness of still deeply wanting what you can no longer have, I find comfort in a meditative thought of knowing that no one can ever take away from me the joy I have singing in my heart and soul, the same joy that clings to the memories I choose to hold onto…

No one can ever take that away from me…


*******************************************************************
I can taste your kiss on my lips
And I’m wrapped around your finger tips
As I watch the moonlight dancing on your skin
Your green eyes and the sweet red wine
Go to my head girl every time
And I get drunk on you
I lose control and then
And here I go again
I’m falling for you even though I know your only playing with my heart
Tomorrow might be hell
But a night or two of loving you is better than never at all
And I can’t help myself
So I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
Until your gone
Girl I know you’re a gypsy soul
And I’m just a stop along your road
And you hang around long enough to blow my mind
If I had a star for every scar
You tattooed on my heart
I could fill up the Oklahoma sky
So girl I don’t know why
I’m falling for you even though I know your only playing with my heart
Tomorrow might be hell
But a night or two of loving you is better than never at all
And I can’t help myself
So I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
Until your gone
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
I look down at my cell phone ringin'
I see your name and I know what that means
But I don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
Every time you leave I take it hard
Seeing you go just breaks my heart
But don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
Your green eyes and that sweet red wine
Go to my head girl every time
But I don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone

I'll Just Hold On by Blake Shelton

I have to trick myself; I have to make something up other than the truth in my head, because my heart has sternly acknowledged that it’s not going to deal with the situation…

If I don’t know who I am, maybe I can convince myself I’m not actually coming from… where I’m coming from…If I can lie to myself long enough, maybe I’ll forget about the truth.

In some highly detailed, never ending opus I play on “repeat” in my heart, I apply some transcendental meditation and I rise above the translation of what I know is the inevitable conclusion I’ll never face…

During a conversation with a close friend, I gave a recount of my recent experiences with losing and loss, and somewhere in my telling, my friend tried to convince me of this… That people on this earth will always let you down, and always disappoint you… That the only way to not be disappointed, hurt, betrayed and let down is to love God above all other things…

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this argument… and I’ll not debate anyone who wants to believe this with their whole heart… I do ask this, can I not love a gift from God with all of my heart’s might, on this earth, in both an earthly way and in a way that is beyond this world? all the while, giving thanks totally to God, who brought such favor and blessing in my life… in short, isn’t loving a person, on this earth more than you love yourself, because you know they are a gift from God…essentially the same argument my dear friend was trying to make?

I hope my friend is wrong…

Wherever you wander, I will always love you...

I guess you could argue that the lyrics below could be directed towards someone on this earth, or perhaps… to someone you can’t quite reach …




You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
You struck me dumb, Like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,Who suspect they could never love anyone.
Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone.

“Save Me”
By Aimee Mann

I figure most times your life passes you by while you’re making grand plans for it... inevitably; my planning is usually met with what I swear I can actually hear sometimes as God’s audible belly laughter...

So much for announcing your plans.


On a black and white TV back in grammar school
I was watching Neal Armstrong walking on the moon
That same day I pretended I was an astronaut
On the playground monkey bars I flew above the stars

I was in a Dallas disco the night John Lennon died
The DJ played Imagine and everybody cried
I remember a thousand lighters held up in our hands
All we were saying was let’s give peace a chance

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me

Every 20,000 years that comet lights up the night
On a blanket we watched it sail across the sky
A moment like that comes just once in life
It felt like our first time at 11:35

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me

I remember when I met you
The taste of our first kiss
I remember your goodbye
Could you tell me this?

Where was I when you stopped lovin’ me?
When did I become history?
There’s not many things that escape my memory
Tell me where was I when you stopped loving me ?

“Where Was I”
By Paul Thorn.

Everytime I watch this movie I lose more faith in people... maybe I should stop watching it...



Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you still love?
Alice: Nope.

From:
Closer (2004/I) More at IMDbPro »
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0376541/

Sometimes I think that my ancestors are laughing at me… I never knew my grandfathers, and painfully estranged from my father I’ve often thought that I missed out on some much needed advice… as the generations pass, something needs to get handed down…

When I think about the time in which I live from a societal point of view… Its amazing how much more complicated we live…

For instance my grandfather’s grandfaher, had a hand to mouth existence, he hunted, gathered… he then found a mate, they then hunted, planted and gathered together, reproduced (added more worker bees to the hive) then they all hunted, planted, crafted, dwelled and gathered together…

Now sure, there are still a lot of worries there, drought, bear attack, lack of rain, cold winters etc… but there’s no worry of career, no worry about the damage your childhood may have done to you… Your inner monalogue consisted of planting crops, raising livestock, providing shelter and warmth for your family… you never really were presented with the option of being bored… I sit at home with 400 channels, the internet, blu rays, iphone, blackberry, work to do, 7 gyms to go to, a car, malls, movie theaters… and I’m still bored to death…

Do you think your grandfather’s grandfather ever said… “Man I wish I could see my abs” ??? That vanity or need didn’t exist, there wasn’t any advertising to make you feel bad about yourself, you didn’t ever think…. “gee, I really need to work on me”… you were to f’ing busy to worry about anything other than the crops, finding game to consume and your family’s vitality… and the development of that family did not consist of a liberal education from a noteworthy university in the hopes that you could find a nice paying job so you could then go and buy a bunch of shit that you don’t need !!!

Have you ever seen a home that was built in the 1900s to 1940s ??? the size of the closets ? they were tiny closets for a reason, they didn’t collect vintage sneakers, or have three dozen super hero t-shirts, they saw clothing not as decoration for the body’s they toiled over, but rather something to hide the shame of their nudeness… (thanks eve)

I’m really getting way off tangent on what I really want to list today, but I think some of the arguments above frame this nicely…
What would your grandfather’s grandfather say about relationships today ? Considering being self aware really wasn’t a concept anyone could gather then… Now, I’m not saying anything derragatory about the women’s movement, a push for civil rights… that time… had its issues, and maybe we are better off in some ways now..maybe…

What I really am thinking about is the concept of relationship conflict and the thoughts that come up, most importantly the differences that time and space have created…

Now, I’m supposed to go and talk to somebody… what happened to the strong silent type ? I’m supposed to take anti depressants to pep up, sleeping pills to pep down, not turn to alcohol, consult with my HMO about my prescriptions, talk to another therapist, see an actual medical doctor, talk to the HMO again, find out my $150 anti depressants aren’t covered past 30 days, so I have to pay “list price” for the pharmaceutical companys latest “fix it all pill” that most likely is doing irreversible damage to my liver and kidneys, but taken all in effort to save my heart…

So I guess the question I’m asking, is what the hell did my grandfather’s grandfather do if and when his heart ever got broken ? Was there even a conceptualiztion of what heartbreak even is ???


Ok, about the lyrics I’ve listed below, let me say this first and foremost… I think John Mayer is a monumental douche bag… all that to say, he has kind of modernistic viewpoint of heartbreak… wheras, “Lucille’ lists yet another, perhaps more grandfather’s grandfather’s viewpoint…





Lightning strikes
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of waysTo make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love why don't you say so
If you want more love why don't you say so
Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs falling every where
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love why don't you say so
If you want more love why don't you say so
Just say so
How come the only way you know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
But I can't break through it all
It's a heart... heartbreak
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Lets just fix this whole thing now
I swear to god were gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and Ambien you're talking shit again
It's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name
It's heartbreak... heartbreak
It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare

John MayerHeartbreak Warfare lyrics






In a bar in Toledo,
across from the depot,
On a barstool she took off her ring.
I thought I'd get closer
So I walked on over.
I sat down and asked her her name.
When the drinks finally hit her,
She said,"I'm no quitter,
But I finally quit living on dreams.
I'm hungry for laughter,
and here ever after
I'm after whatever the other life brings.
"In the mirror I saw him,
And I closely watched him.
I thought how he looked out of place.
He came to the woman
Who sat there beside me.
He had a strange look on his face.
Now his big hands were calloused,
He looked like a mountain,
For a minute I thought I was dead.
But he started shaking,
His big heart was breaking,
And he turned to the woman and said,
"You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and crops in the field.
I've had some bad times,
lived through some sad times,
this time the hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me,Lucille.
After he left us, I ordered more whiskey.
I thought how she'd made him look small.
From the lights of the barroom to the rented hotel room
We walked without talking at all.
Now she was a beauty, but when she came to me
She must have thought I'd lost my mind.
I couldn't hold her, for the words that he told her
Kept comin' back time after time.
"You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and a crop in the field.
I've had some bad times,
I lived through some sad times,
this time the hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille
With four hungry children and a crop in the field.
I've had some bad times,
lived through some sad times,
this time the hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me,Lucille.

“Lucille” LyricsKenny Rogers

Waking up every morning and trying to remember who you are is an odd feeling… Not knowing what’s worse, finding yourself or losing yourself, perhaps is odder still…

“I guess I just got lost”… doesn’t quite sum it up, maybe I just got found… At times I feel as if my soul has slipped away from me, like I lost my proverbial “car keys”… I just can seem to get on solid ground… even in my dreams I’m an idiot who knows he’s about to wake up to reality, I’m a cruel joke, even to myself…

Losing Faith, Losing Hope Losing Passion Losing Love… after all this loss, what can you expect to gain…? If I’ve learned anything it’s that expectation that can be the most dangerous…



I don’t know if I can pick up my “crazy heart”, let alone giving anything one more try…


Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with to nothing lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don’t feel like home anymore
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches…Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn’t forget the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers won’t kiss…It’s too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with nothing to lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind


Written by Ryan Bingham and T. Bone Burnett

People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go...







I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

written by trent reznor

Love isn’t a dozen red roses on Valentine’s Day,
Love isn’t a box of chocolate hearts.
Love isn’t a greeting card with someone else’s sweet, soft words.


To me, love is about giving, even when you’re not getting,
A dedication to caring for, not being cared for,
Holding not being held, comforting rather than being comforted.

To truly not be concerned with what your getting back, because and most of all, that even in the darkest moments, you still feel the energy inside your heart, body, mind and soul to care for someone more than ever, when they deserve your energy less than ever…

That’s Love…



Below I’ve listed yet another deeply philosophical piece of pop culture…





From-http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118556/
Addicted to Love (1997)

Maggie: When I was a kid, my father had this dog that started to get all weak and sickly. He takes it to the vet, he examines it and says a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog's butt. The baby maggots have crawled up, now they've started to grow, and eventually they're gonna eat the dog alive from the inside. He says it should be put to sleep, because it's an old dog anyway. But father won't do it. He takes the dog home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots with his finger, one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That's love, Sam.

And I’m alright
Standing in the streetlights here
Is this meant for me
My time on the outside is over
We don’t know how you’re spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn’t here
You see the pictures
But you don’t know their names
Cause love isn’t here
And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
No sympathyWhen shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies
I can see the secrets you don’t show
We don’t know how you’re spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn’t here
You see the pictures
But you don’t know their names
Cause love isn’t here
And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
When - you took something perfect
And painted it red
You take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That’s not a world that I need
You take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That’s not a world that I need
And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it “red”
When - you took something perfect
And painted it red
You took something perfect
And painted it red

Daniel Merriweather - "Red"

Finding out that you weren’t who you thought you were to someone is hard.

Finding out that you never were… is even harder.

The questions “Who am I” and “Where am I going” are a little too broad in scope to even bother to ask, I think a more appropriate question is “Who am I now” ?

If I wasn’t who I thought I was to someone I was so close to, and love so much, how can I trust who I am at all…

Paralyzed in a moment in time, without enough energy to care to hide it from people when they ask “what’s wrong”… I ask myself how it’s possible my instincts failed me so spectacularly.

Self worth may be the most important variable; however, realizing your worth to someone else drastically realigns who you are to yourself.


Finding out that you were “Better as a Memory” … is difficult to live with, regardless of the directions and interpretations you may take away from the lyrics below...




I move on like a sinners prayer
And letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man
Never sure when the truth won't do
And pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man
I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late
Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man

Better as a memory than as your man

“Better as a Memory”
Kenny Chesney

I doubt we’d ever get Alan Jackson and New Radicals together on tour, and they didn’t collaborate on the songs listed below, however the message seems to be same… some points translate across genres very easily : )

Obviously, some would argue that the Alan Jackson song is about heartbreak due to a death... I would counter that, with, when your heart breaks, it can seem like two people have died, no matter whether or not the person is actually still in this world... we can't seem to get past the fact that they are no longer in "our" world... Who inevitibly walks away isn't the same person that walked in...

Physiologically speaking the pain of heartbreak without death, looks just like the grieving process of a sudden death of someone close to you...

Yea, the brain and the heart can agree on something...






You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
as a Monday morning church
The preacher came by Sunday
said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
but I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
and laid it in the ground
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
I still believe in Heaven
and I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love,
girl I don't have a prayer
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty as a Monday morning church
You left your Bible on the dresser so I put it in the drawer

Monday Morning Church
Alan Jackson





I was dancing
With your shadow
Slow down memories hall
I said 'wait have I been seduced and forgotten'
You said 'Baby haven't we all'
Now I don't like crying
Because it only gets me wet
But I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's going to be a long time
And I'm crying like a church on Monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby

Put down your new god
And love me like Sunday again
I was hiding in your bedroom
When I saw him come inside
I can't live in his shadow
Is that where I'm dancing until I die

No I don't light candles
Because they make me see the light

That I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's gonna be a long time
And I'm crying like a church on Monday
Praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like Sunday again
There ain't no use trying to stop me

Crying Like a Church on Monday
New Radicals

Naturally, I only pull thoughts to ponder from deeply rooted philosophical, theological and idealistic places.... All that to say, here is a thought from:

The Last Boy Scout (1991)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102266/


Pop culture has a way of hitting home ... I guess I'm just not smart enough to embrace much more...



Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I also believe in cancer.
Jimmy Dix: What, they're both diseases?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, something like that.

you said it Joe:)

The door on the mailbox is rusted shut
The grass in the yard sure has grown up
One of the chains is broken on the front porch swing
I don't know why I came
I guess I had to see it one more time
This little trailer we shared in better times

Way out yonder see those big old black clouds moving
I wish the wind could blow me back in time
those were the days,
I had it made, when you were,
Temporarily forever mine

Did you know your mother still calls me
She's got a special place in her heart for me
I'll always be her favorite son-in-law
She wonders what went wrong
I know time can take this pain away,
But time can't take me back to yesterday

Way out yonder see those big old black clouds moving
I wish the wind could blow me back in time
those were the days,
I had it made, when you were
Temporarily forever mine

You were just Temporarily Forever Mine...

Temporarily forever mine
By Paul Thorn

just as i've been certain at times in my life on Sundays, that the pastor was thinking only of me when he wrote that sermon...

I'm certain Jason Aldean is singing this song for me...




Tell em all I'm on vacation,
Say I went to visit friends,
That you ain't heard or seen from me in quite a while,
When they ask you where I've been,
Tell em I'm out on the west coast where it don't ever rain,
And that I'm probably doing fine,
(Chorus)
Just don't tell em I've gone crazy,
That I'm still strung out over you,
Tell em anything you want to,
Just don't tell em all the truth,
Yeah don't tell em all the truth,
Tell em all I'm out in Vegas,
Blowin' every dollar I ever made,
Tell em that I must be into something bad for me cause,
I sure lost a lot of weight,
Tell em I'm out on the road with some old rock and roll band,
Living like a gypsy can,
(Chorus)
The truth is that I'm asking you to lie,
And we both know that it ain't right,
But if you ever loved me please,
Have some mercy on me,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Tell em anything you want to,
Just don't tell em all the truth,
Yeah don't tell em all the truth,I still need you,
Yeah that's the truth,
I still love you,
Baby that's the truth.

performed by Jason Aldean

I wish I wrote it... what a great song...

Thinking of you...

"Come On Sugar, just say I Love You"... times infinity...



Yes I understand that every life must end…
As we sit alone,
I know someday we must go…
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands…
The ones that I Love…
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none,
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win,
Under everything,
just another human being,
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt,
there’s so much in this world To make me bleed.
Stay with me,.. You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
I wonder everyday as I look upon your face,
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take,
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.
Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

"Just Breathe"
Pearl Jam

Today I will walk on faith, not on sight, sound or feeling…

Today I will be brave enough to love as much as I can…

Today I will put my heart at risk….

Today I will ask for and grant forgiveness…

Today I will hold on… Tomorrow is just too far away …

Come on Sugar, just say I Love You...

Come on Sugar just say I Love You...
Come on Sugar just say I Love You...
Come on Sugar just say I Love You...

If I keep my phone off, I know it won’t ring
If I can keep the Ipod away, those sad bastards can’t sing
If I can keep my mind distracted I won’t have time to dream
If I can get my heart off you , maybe I won’t feel a thing.

I wouldn’t do those things, even if I could

Cause I love you and I miss you and I guess that I should

I treated you so badly , and lastly and sadly, its just that…

I’ve got no one else left to blame, I’m stuck in this feeling and all I want it to do is rain…

"Come on Sugar, Just say I Love You"...

She woke from a dream
Her head was on fire
Why was he so nervous?
He took her to the park
She crossed her arms And lowered her eyelids
Some day somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Maybe tonight
I've got a question for you
She'd had no idea
Started to cry
She said in a good way
He took her by the hand
Walked her back home
They took the long way
Some day somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Maybe tonight
I've got a question for you
I've got a question for you

"Question" by the Old 97's