In a crazily damaged way, I had the most vivid and inexplicable wave of calmness wash over me as I filled with despair while watching a close friend’s recent wedding video…

I’m not saying it is a healthy coping mechanism, nor am I saying I’m anything other than broken… I’m simply saying I inhaled a deep breath of survival.
As I sat there with friends, watching the two in love recite their vows and longing looks, I thought about my own situation of unrequited love and felt the usual pieces of me crumble from the walls of my soul into the long drop of darkness…

I’ve thought often, that the pain was so real to me, because I had no frame of reference…for being as heartbroken as I am now…

Then… it finally occurred to me, I’ve had people throw me away before, I survived…

My own father threw me away like a piece of trash, he hide behind whatever excuses he could, and even to this day, I’ve no clue why he’s done the things he’s done, furthermore, if you were to ask him, he couldn’t tell you anymore today, than he could have the 20 plus years ago he decided I was disposable…

Don’t be surprised when another human being throws you away… Be surprised… and be hopeful that we can still be surprised by human nature… if we can keep this callousness away from our soul… maybe there is a chance…to somehow outsmart this portion of the human condition…

Can I ever believe in love... just like it was ?

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I was young and Bon Vivant
Twenty girls ago
When love was born on city nights
Under falling snow
How I played the same charade
Drunk on first hellos
A vagabond dream, hey that was me
Twenty girls ago
I was quick to turn the page
Thirteen girls ago
When love could live on lucky breaks
And favorite episodes
But tempers flared and teeth were bared
Whenever things got slow
Stuck in a rut, pushing my luck
Thirteen girls ago
Others may have measured time
In accolades and dollar signs
I had but one concern
Another year, another love
And the question
Was it me or was it her
Time was running out the door
We signed the lease and bought the rings
Honeymooned in Rome
As pigeons flew one afternoon
I found myself alone
Pining for youth, avoiding the truth
Seven girls ago
Well I was lost, hit the wall
Desperate nights of alcohol
Wondering what I should do
Another year, another love
Never answered
Then at last there was you
Time was turning back again
Just one girl ago
The soft impression of your eyes
My favorite first hello
Now these are days of serenades
Whispered sweet and slow
Believing in love just like it was
Twenty girls ago
Believing in love just like it wasTwenty girls ago

David Mead - Twenty Girls Ago